If you must get divorced, here’s how to do it well | Robyn Ingerson

It’s actually possible to do divorce well, writes Robyn Ingerson, as long as you don’t do this.

How to divorce well, an oxymoron I know; however it has catastrophic effects if not executed with consideration, especially when kids are involved. There is a need for some kind of mud map to assist all parties with a respectful, kind process, to avoid a massive fallout, often at the children’s expense.

A close friend recently expressed sheer frustration as she could not engage with her ex-husband on any communication platform and decided to write the following:

Dear ex husband,

Due to your lack of response to my email, phone or text, I am resorting to a good old fashion letter, on Facebook.

The fact I am sharing this with thousands of people was not my intention, but it might just get your attention so we can chat about our son quitting school and choosing to join a commune in Far North Queensland …

Clearly that is not how to have a good divorce!

Over many years I have witnessed the good, the bad and the necessary of marriages ending and for those contemplating this harrowed path, you need to firstly acknowledge that kids ultimately should have a voice as they did not ask for any of this.

My first recommendation is avoid the whole divorce scenario full stop if you can help it.

It actually is possible to divorce well, if you avoid the big mistakes. Picture: iStock

Over the years I would like to think I have saved at least three couples from divorce, by asking the question “Do you like each other?” If the answer is yes, my response is “well try harder and work it out, as the alternative is brutal”.

Also, no couple should be allowed to file for divorce prior to their child turning the age of 10, due to the fact you are exhausted beyond belief, hormones are raging, money is tight and you can’t remember the last time you had fun.

You are not in a rational state. Just tread water, find solace in yoga or an art class and make sure you have weekends away by yourselves, leaving the “littlies” with the happy grandparents for as long as you can possibly negotiate.

If you do decide to go down the divorce path, you need to form a communication (comms) plan that rivals the Covid-19 rollout.

My advice is forge a relationship with the new girlfriend or soon to be wife.

The old and the new invariably have some common ground – you both were intimate with the same bloke for a start so there is your first common denominator.

Set up a negotiable comms plan as a top priority, where everyone knows the rules, respect each other’s lives, commitments, homes, and friends, and focus on the child’s emotional needs. Period. Communication in co-parenting is key, not the Battle of Hastings.

The comms plan ensures open dialogue between all parties; parents, steps, grandparents as these kids can often be crafty and play the field to get the best result for themselves. I mean who wouldn’t try it on.

The kids are always number one. In everything.

Whether it be school, sport, extra activities, holidays, friendship groups, they need to be heard, no matter how young, to ensure they feel they have some say in what is a very stressful, sad and often confusing time.

Unfortunately, I know far too many kids in this transient world of moving between two homes.

A group of us (mums and kids) got together recently to talk about what are the most difficult things for kids to navigate with divorced parents.

There was a common item they all talked about – the half-packed Country Road duffel bag sitting in the hallway.

The description was just too sad and brought up immense feelings of guilt, however in the next breath they all said they would rather be circumnavigating two households than living with parents that were not happy.

Step-parents seem to get a rough ride.

It is a position that is not for the faint hearted, that is for sure, it is a privilege, and a challenge rolled into one, requiring the patience of a saint and a respect for existing family bonds.

The experts say, “don’t try and replace the other parent, become a positive addition in the child’s life, aiming for mutual respect and understanding”.

There are upsides to the situation, two happier living environments, improved parent-child relationships due to more one-on-one quality time together, which may not have been achieved otherwise.

There is a camaraderie that exists between kids of divorce, as they proudly speak of their achievements and levels of resilience.

There are upsides for the parents too as time passes, guilt dissipates, you see your children grow, choose their partners, often with keen consideration.

You admire their strength, resilience, confidence with decision making, planning for their future and feel humbled by how their experience as children of divorce has had some positive impact to prepare for their own life journey.

Originally published as If you must get divorced, here’s how to do it well | Robyn Ingerson