Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop 2023 Christmas gift guide is here

Gwyneth Paltrow has released her annual Christmas gift guide, and let's just say at this point she's surely got to be trolling us.

The most wonderful time of the year is upon us – and Gwyneth Paltrow is here, once again, to help you find that perfect Christmas gift.

Ahead of the holiday season, Paltrow’s lifestyle behemoth Goop has dropped its annual array of gift guides, as reported by Page Six.

Notorious for pushing wildly over-the-top present suggestions like five-figure sex chairs and $75 sacks of free-range manure, this year’s roundup is as “ridiculous but awesome” as ever.

Standouts range from a $US15,000 ($23,634) vibrator crafted from 24-karat gold to a Louis Vuitton baby wardrobe worth a staggering $US73,000 ($115,023) (not including the actual clothes).

The guides span 10 categories – including gifts for lovers, kids, men, hosts and more – and for those not champing at the bit to drop $US3475 ($5475) on an Hermes rocking horse, there’s even an under-$100 guide featuring items like organic thongs and black truffle popcorn.

Gwyneth Paltrow has released her annual Christmas gift guide. Picture: Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images

Below, browse the most outlandish offerings from Goop’s festive assortment of fancier-than-ever gifts.

The Lelo Inez 24k Gold G-Spot Vibrator. Picture: Goop

Lelo Inez 24k Gold G-Spot Vibrator ($23,634)

Gives “Midas touch” a whole new meaning.

The Made in Champagne Saber. Picture: Goop

Made in Champagne Saber ($313)

Per Goop, “Napoleon’s army reportedly popularised the use of swords for opening celebratory bottles of champagne – and you can keep the tradition alive with this ebony-handled sabre”.

“Made in Thiers, France (the cutlery-making capital of the world), it’s a delightfully dramatic way to open a bottle of bubbly, thanks to the intentionally dull full-tang blade.”

Because popping bottles is so passé.

The Louis Vuitton Baby Wardrobe. Picture: Goop

Louis Vuitton Baby Wardrobe ($115,023)

Clothing and shoes sold separately.

The Regalis Parmigiano Reggiano DOP, Aged 24 Months. Picture: Goop

Regalis Parmigiano Reggiano DOP, Aged 24 Months ($623)

This cheese will cost you a lot of cheddar.

It hails from Valserena Soladibruna, “the oldest dairy in Parma – and one of only four dairies making Parmigiano Reggiano from the milk of brown cows”.

“Aged 24 months, the cheese is perfectly sharp, nutty, and slightly spice, with a pronounced crumble that’s melt-in-your-mouth perfection,” a description on Goop reads.

The Olympia Le-Tan Eiffel Tower Book Clutch. Picture: Goop

Olympia Le-Tan Eiffel Tower Book Clutch ($2441)

For that price, you might as well just book a round-trip flight to Paris.

The Hermes Cavaletti Doghouse. Picture: Goop

Hermes Cavaletti Doghouse ($3032)

For the truly pampered pooch.

The Chez Pluie Antique Escargot Picks. Picture: Goop

Chez Pluie Antique Escargot Picks ($893)

Snailed it.

The Walden Planar Studio Gong and Stand. Picture: Goop

Walden Planar Studio Gong and Stand ($3150)

According to Goop’s description, this “stunning gong” is nearly three feet in diameter.

“It’s a traditional Heng gong; it’s thick and has a deep rim. And when you hit it, it rings with a clear, deep tone like heavy thunder.”

10/10 would bang.

The Chanel Roller Skates. Picture: Goop

Chanel Rollerskates ($8073)

Wheel-y expensive.

The Paradise Row Leather Tennis Ball Holder. Picture: Goop

Paradise Row Leather Tennis Ball Holder ($551)

Handcrafted from “supple vegetable-tanned leather in an inky indigo hue and finished with tonal cross-stitching running vertically down the cylinder”, this “handsome” holder is “ideal for serving balls – and looks”.

Why keep your tennis balls in their original can when you can spend an extra $551 on this?

This article originally appeared on Page Six and was reproduced with permission

Originally published as Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop 2023 Christmas gift guide is here