Cash combat: big causes of money fights, and how to stop them

Money conflicts aren’t always the root cause of relationship breakdowns but they flare when tensions are high, and experts say there are ways to navigate around this hazard.

Money arguments are second only to infidelity as the cause of relationship breakdowns.

Arguments about money increase during tough economic times as everyday pressures pile up, but some of the key causes of financial fights have little to do with dollars and cents.

Experts say they often reflect broader relationship issues, different personal values and increasing anxiety – and money fights flare up from that.

Certified money coach Karen Eley says research has found that money is the second biggest reason for relationship breakdowns, behind infidelity.

Rising living costs in recent years have compounded problems for many.

Recent research by Compare the Market found almost 40 per cent of Australians argue about money, and for Millennials the number was above 50 per cent. It says tightening household finances have been impacting relationships everywhere.

Meanwhile, divorce rates are still above pre-pandemic levels, says Tiyce & Lawyers family law specialists associate Anita Petrovic.

She says there has been an upticks of DIY divorces, and more cases of couples living “separated under one roof”.

Money coach Karen Eley.

“There has been a distinct increase in cases of grey divorce – those separating when over 50 years old,” Petrovic says.

“The Covid pandemic was the breaking point for many relationships with the increased stress and forced proximity.”

Covid was replaced by cost-of-living stresses since inflation started climbing in 2021 and the Reserve Bank began raising interest rates in 2022.

Eley says she has noticed the severity of financial arguments between couples getting worse.

“If money was already causing challenges in a relationship, the additional financial stress causes the cracks to get bigger,” she says.

Key reasons

Eley says the biggest causes of money fights include:

• Financial infidelity, which can range from not telling your partner about a parking fine to having a secret bank account or a credit card with out-of-control debt.

• One spouse making an investment mistake, such as taking on more risk than their partner is comfortable with, then losing money.

• Disagreements over how money is allocated, especially where one partner is a saver and the other a spender.

• Disputes over income when one partner earns much money, creating power dynamics.

“Quite often what I see is the spouse who earns more of the money wants to be able to make the financial decisions about how it’s spent,” Eley says.

“Or it brings out emotions where the person who doesn’t earn as much may feel unworthy or not financially independent.

“For males, there is still so much pressure on them to be the breadwinner, and people tend to get stuck in gender roles.”

Eley says problems should be discussed early as they will only get worse over time.

Behavioural economist Phil Slade agrees that money issues should be addressed when still small.

“They don’t go away and they don’t get easier to address,” he says.

Trust issues

Slade says people “would be surprised how many conversations with accountants and financial advisers turn into couples counselling”.

“The conversation about money is often a reflection of the relationship status,” he says.

“If there is low trust or there are control issues, they will come out in the way you are managing your financial decisions.”

Slade says money is often attached to peoples’ identity and this makes it easy for conversations to escalate emotionally: “it’s not about what’s best – it becomes about winning and losing, so you can never have a rational conversation.”

People should learn how to dial down their emotions, Slade says.

“And bail out of the conversation if your emotions are getting too high,” he says.

Slade says people should aim to recognise anxieties.

“Anxiety is fear of the future, and the more present that future becomes in your mind, the more anxious you are,” he says.

“Make sure you know what you are talking about. Are you really arguing about money, or is it trust or control? Recognise the conversation you are actually having.”

How to create more harmony

• Set a time to have money conversations rather than make “drive-by comments”. Prepare for discussions.

• Make money a joint responsibility, with monthly tasks divided between partners.

• Understand your own financial triggers, and how your childhood experiences impact your fears and decisions.

• Be compassionate and curious in conversations rather than make judgments.

• Involve a third party such as a counsellor, coach or adviser if you need more support.

Source: Karen Eley from womentalkingfinance.com.au

Originally published as Cash combat: big causes of money fights, and how to stop them