Why do conservatives remain so ungrateful to me?

Those even vaguely familiar with my contributions to The Australian over recent centuries will know that in becoming ancient I’ve also become mild-mannered, non-judgmental, avuncular. Listeners to my radio program have noticed a similar softening. The ABC’s oldest living broadcaster is so soothing and soporific that Radio National transmits his show late at night. No need for Stilnox or sheep-counting. Simply listen to LNL for sleep-inducing pillow talk. It’s Pavlovian. Many in the audience fall asleep during the theme. I know I do. My producers have to jolt me back to semi-consciousness with an electric whoopee cushion.

I’ve expressed to management the ambition to die at the microphone, for my career to become posthumous. And that would please many. Most recently that would include Jonathan Holmes, who’s written a little critique of the ABC for MUP. He revives the old issue of political bias, suggesting that the best way to counterbalance my malign influence would be to expunge me from the airwaves. Which brings us back to John Howard’s famous criticism of the ABC. When asked to define what he saw as the problem with the public broadcaster he posed a simple question: “Where’s the right-wing Phillip Adams?”

Over the decades a deafening reply to that Dorothy Dixer could be found in the chairmanship and on the branch-stacked board. So many ideological enemies of the ABC were elevated to its House of Lords by conservative governments. Legendary examples include Maurice Newman as chair – someone who believes the ABC is a Kremlin for unreconstructed Stalinists, if not revolutionaries from outer space. In his regular diatribes Maurice demands the joint be flogged off or sent to the scrapyard. Ex-Trotskyite-cum-rabid-right-winger Keith Windschuttle was another memorable appointment, along with that of Judith Sloan and Janet Albrechtsen. Admittedly some conservative appointments went awry – as when Howard appointed best friend Donald McDonald to the chair, only to see him go troppo and moderate his views. Despite anointing Jonathan Shier of loving memory as CEO, dear Donald became quite protective of an organisation he was meant to destroy.

Meanwhile, every effort was made to get the right people on air. A short-lived program co-starring Tim Blair and Imre Salusinszky was launched on RN, becoming a holy trinity when Tim and Imre recruited George Pell as a regular. Other right-wing versions of me followed – any number of neo- and paleo-conservatives such as Michael Duffy, Tom Switzer and Amanda Vanstone. All got programs thanks to little moi. (Please point out to Jonathan Holmes that I have been a boon to conservative broadcasters. But where’s the thanks?)

An irony. Few left in the Left would regard me as left. They’d point the finger of scorn in my direction as a sell-out, another Murdoch stooge, while scorning a program that has, over the decades, provided any number of prominent conservatives with regular gigs. Right-wing poster boy David Brooks was a long-term voice from America. Daniel McCarthy, from Spectator US and a defender of Trump, is one today. Christopher Hitchens, who’d come on the show during the invasion of Iraq boastfully calling himself “Blackhawk Hitchens”, was another.

While conservatives remain ungrateful to me, I remain grateful to them. In particular to Howard for a rhetorical question that for a time made efforts to sack me problematic. Of course, we old blokes should stick together. Soon we’ll be celebrating our 80ths. We were born within a few days of each other, in July 1939. Happy birthday, John.