The significance of the gluteus maximus in our body politic

Coat of arms: the emu and kangaroo look down on the Senate chamber. Picture: AAP

The political proverb “there’s no such thing as a safe seat” has been borne out by the election. Thus some new buttocks are to be found on the front benches. Ditto on benches back and cross on both the green of the Reps and the red of the Senate. So it is time for me to remind you of the significance of the gluteus maximus in our body politic, our geography, iconography and wildlife.

As I’ve pointed out in the past, if Italy looks like a leg and the UK a royal chess piece, Australia resembles a vast bottom squatting in the southern hemisphere – hovering over the cold toilet seat of the Antarctic. With Perth and Sydney on the hips and Adelaide as the sphincter. I apologise to Tasmania for the image, which doesn’t do much for the Apple Isle.

The theme of big bottoms is taken up by our coat of arms – which adorns all government documents and correspondence and, of course, in giant form, our Parliament House. Bottoms up to the shield flanked by kangaroo and emu.

Let’s start on the left, physically not ideologically. The kangaroo has a huge bottom. Indeed, much of its physique is in its bum – or if you’re pedantic, its haunches. The head is comparatively small, not suggestive of high intelligence. In that regard it’s a fair representation of our political representatives, many of whom have such low IQs I’ve granted them membership of DENSA, my MENSA for the unintelligent. They are obsessed with sitting. On their seats, on parliamentary sittings. They aspire to preselection for the safest seats possible. Seats, seats, seats. For every MP, a seat is a treat. Whether in the Reps or the Senate they long for one, particularly if it’s in Cabinet.

Now let’s look to the right. Behold the emu. Notoriously dim-witted, this oversized chook also has a small head – and an even more disproportionate bum than the ’roo. Please forget its absurdly long legs and neck for a moment. The emu is, in essence, a big bum upholstered in feathers.

Thus all our imagery converges on the bottom. The bum. The backside. The nether regions. The arse. Or if you prefer Latin, the gluteus maximus (from the Greek for buttock, gloutos). More than most our governments, state and federal, are bottom heavy. One Nation, for example, is full of fools who should get off their butts, eccentric bottom feeders who give us the bum’s steer on things like Covid and climate and need to be given the bum’s rush. We should fit our parliamentary benches with ejector seats like jet fighters so that when rejected at an election they can be sent flying, perhaps to crash land in the Press Gallery.

But back to coats of arms. The whopper on Parliament House Canberra is wholly appropriate. The choice of heraldic figures was inspired. Other nations have griffins and dragons while about a dozen have eagles with one or two heads. But our kangaroo and giant chook are perfect, emphasising the gravitational attraction of power over the force of intellect. In that spirit we should have a trouser of arms, not a coat.

PS. The best thing that can be said about our heraldry – evoking bums, buttocks, backsides, posteriors, rumps and fundaments – is that it anticipated recent fashion trends. Whilst confessing to not having kept up with the Kardashians, I understand that thanks to them, the titanic tush is trending.