Stealthing: what’s really going on here?

The anonymous man admitted to stealthing “most of the time”. When asked why, he replied, “It feels better.” When asked if this attitude was shared by most of his social circle: “Yeah, I’d say so.” Picture: iStock

Gentlemen, I need your help. I write to understand and this, well, I just do not. The topic under discussion is stealthing. That charming practice we’ve been hearing about more and more recently, particularly among sexually active young adults and teens. It involves the removal of a condom, by a male, in the middle of the sexual act. Why, I ask, just why? Can someone please enlighten me in terms of the psychology behind this?

Is it a desire to control? An abuse of power? A selfish and irresponsible pursuit of pleasure at any cost and bugger the consequences for their partner? Is this a hate crime, or just thoughtless, reckless, carelessness? Learnt behaviour from porn?

Stealthing can lead to sexually transmitted diseases. Unwanted pregnancies. Psychological trauma. Ruined lives. And why is it so prevalent, suddenly; what is it about this era in particular? A 2018 Monash University study of more than 2000 people found one in three women had experienced it.

Stealthing is assault. Sexual assault. Violation. It is bordering on a criminal erosion of civility, respect and generosity. The language around the practice is ugly and diminishing, hate-filled. When I was a young adult such a heinous manoeuvre did not exist as far as I know, in any widespread or mainstream way. I came of age sexually in the era of HIV/AIDS and the removal of a condom, mid intercourse, could result in a death sentence; it just wasn’t done unless requested.

So I need to understand the recent impetus behind the stealthing phenomenon. It reminds me that a victim of domestic violence is never in more danger than the moment she decides to leave the abusive relationship; when the man’s grip on control over another is diminished and threatened. As women gain more power and equality in so many arenas around us, it feels like we’ve never been more the focus of hate-filled anger, and have never been in such danger. Stealthing seems to belong to the murky world of the incel. It’s supremely selfish and self-centred.

Admirably, the ACT’s Liberal opposition leader, Elizabeth Lee, is trying to do something about it. “Anecdotally, stealthing was something that felt yuck, confusing, violating and wrong,” she has said, “…but victims of it didn’t even know it had a name, let alone that it negated their consent.” Lee is leading a Canberra Liberals’ proposal in the ACT legislative assembly to get the practice criminalised. New Zealand has already beaten them to it. A new legal precedent for that country was set a few months ago when a man was jailed for three years and nine months for rape after he removed a condom during sex without the woman’s consent.

Stealthing is not about love or tenderness or thoughtful intimacy in any way, but about power and the abuse of it, surely. It feels like yet another iteration of gaslighting. Leaving your mark. Destroying a life. For the victim, it can result in a distressing loss of ownership over their own bodies. Sex is when we’re at our most vulnerable. It demands trust and respect - as a basic human right. “Stealthing is an appalling thing to do to any woman; any man; any person,” Lee said earlier this year. “It completely erodes the trust that a person can put in someone… It is a violation of dignity and autonomy.”

Perhaps an anonymous caller on Triple J’s Hack program several years ago explained the prevalence of the phenomenon best. The anonymous man admitted to stealthing “most of the time”. When asked why, he replied, “It feels better.” When asked if this attitude was shared by most of his social circle: “Yeah, I’d say so.” He didn’t think it was a crime.

Appalling. Dispiriting. Bewildering. Why?