Old-school lessons for dads

Being happy or at least untroubled in front of the kids is one of the greatest sacrifices a parent can make.

Being happy or at least untroubled in front of the kids is one of the greatest sacrifices a parent can make

My mother lost her father when she was 24, just over 70 years ago. Mum is still with us and in my weekly telephone calls she speaks lovingly of this man I never knew. He was a shearer, a contract labourer, who left school at the age of 12 and went on to build a family and a home moving from job to job across the western district of Victoria through the Depression and the war years. When Mum and Dad married in 1947 at the age of 21 and 22, mum’s parents helped the young couple find rental accommodation (a room in a share house) in Terang. My grandfather put dad forward for a job at the local co-op, a job he remained in for almost 40 years.

Shortly before my grandfather died he wrote letters to his four children from his hospital bed. Only one letter survives. It was to my uncle, who shared it with me just over a decade ago. And what struck me about it was the casualness of the language; he chatted about the weather, the need for rain, the prospect of a good season. He knew he was dying; this was his farewell. This was his idea of fatherhood at that time: stoicism, commitment to family and perhaps a memento, some final words, to hold on to for life.

The fact that my mother still speaks so lovingly of her father all these years later shows the impact that a caring father and a loving family can have across an entire lifetime. Sadly, I assume that the reverse also applies to those raised in less happy circumstances.

However I’m not sure that the essential role of a father is any different today even though the circumstances are very different. Today a father is less likely to be the sole income earner. He is more likely to help around the house. He may even take time out of the workforce to care for the kids. He attends the birth of his children. I am well aware that not all fathers do all of this, but many do.

There is nothing, to my way of thinking, more profound, more noble, more admirable than the sight of a young father carrying, protecting, his children in support of his partner and doing it with manly strength and unfailing good humour. No need for the stoicism of the postwar years. Simply make an engaged and committed contribution to the myriad tasks required to deliver a happy family life.

It is never easy. It is relentless. The costs, the precarious nature of modern work, the stresses of maintaining a regular income can take their toll. It can manifest in marriage breakdown, in disaffection between family members, in resentments that build later in life.

What is required to raise a family, and especially to be a father, in modern times has nothing to do with what can be given to kids. It has everything to do with the daily grind, going to work, being reliable, protecting your family, supporting your partner, doing whatever is required to make the family and household work. And doing all of this – and here is the maraschino cherry on top – in good humour.

I think most men, most fathers, are actually quite good at the daily grind bit. Give them a routine and most are happy enough to follow suit. The hard bit is to do this with an unfailingly untroubled demeanour, especially when there are worrying prospects on the horizon such as retrenchments and other changes in the workplace.

Being happy or at least untroubled in front of the kids is one of the greatest sacrifices a parent can make. And in some ways that is what I think my grandfather was doing with his hospital letters all those years ago: being stoic, showing his kids he cared, that he loved them, but without sharing the burden of his concern for his own fate.