Nissan Patrol Ti-L: like a living room on wheels
No matter how thirsty it might be, I love the Patrol Ti-L’s V8 engine and its old-school ballsiness.
I have done hideous, debasing and frankly alarming things for my children, who seem to have a strange hold over me; in any other context, this would cause my friends and family to fear I am caught up in some kind of cult headed by unfeasibly cute little people. I have taken them camping, an activity I enjoy as much as falling down stairs and landing on a scorpion. I have danced Gangnam Style, sober, at a school disco, in front of adults, pretended to enjoy Thomas the Tank Engine Live on Stage, shoved pencils up my nose and eaten “food” they prepared for me.
What I have not done, or not yet, is agreed to buy them any of the family cars they have pestered me for. I’m not saying they have terrible taste, or that children should speak about cars only once they can drive (although that’s not a bad idea). I’m just saying that they tend to focus on trivial and peripheral things that bear no relation to the reasons anyone should choose a vehicle.
A case in point is the Nissan Patrol Ti-L, a vast SUV that seems to have been sucked off a road somewhere in the US in around 1988 and spat out here, today.
It has a face as American as NFL star Tom Brady and a chin that’s almost as wide. It carries an enormous 5.6-litre V8 engine that drinks fuel with Texan abandon (a colleague said it cost him $190 to fill up with its preferred premium unleaded, which inspired me to drive it as if my right foot was broken).
It is, on the whole, enormous, so much so that it comes with sidesteps to help you climb into its vast and hugely comfortable cabin, where there is room for seven people – or two adults, two children and every single thing they own in the boot.
And back there, in front of the couch-like rear seats, are two 8-inch DVD screens, which can be used for watching movies or, whisper it, playing games (I did not even mention this possibility to my little screen addicts, for fear they might never leave the Patrol again).
Sure, my children talked up the comfort levels of the big Nissan, and how they enjoyed being able to look down on bus drivers, and creation in general, and I agreed with them that the big fridge between the front seats was fabulous. But I know full well that it was the screens that made them urge me to spend $93,365 on one.
This forced me to sit them down and bore them stupid with some maths that showed them the petrol bills alone would mean they’d never be able to go to university. Or eat.
To be fair, no matter how thirsty it might be, I loved the Patrol’s V8 engine and its old-school ballsiness. Its 298kW and 560Nm certainly come in handy for getting so much vehicle, and so much living-room-like interior opulence, up hills, but on a flat bit of road there’s also enough on hand to make it feel a bit zesty.
Being a Nissan Patrol means that, if I was into that kind of thing, I could drive this behemoth through rivers, down scree-covered mountainsides and over boulders and its legendary 4x4 off-road toughness would handle it all with ease. I’m also sure that should I ever reach the age of 80 and suddenly discover a desire to tow a caravan, its torque would come in very handy.
The downside of a car that weighs more than 2.8 tonnes and is more than 5m long, almost 2m wide and 2m tall is that it is not really built for cornering. Attempt a sharp bend too fast and your rear passengers will end up sliding to the point where they’re watching each other’s movies, and that never ends well.
I found the best way to attempt any kind of rapid progress in the Patrol was to brace my legs against the transmission tunnel and the driver’s door and wait for the shouts from the back seats. But to be honest, if you drive in the patient manner suited to this kind of vehicle, it handles pretty well. And if getting from A to B without feeling like you’ve ever left your living room is what you’re after, as well as the deep satisfaction of making your children happy, the Patrol Ti-L could well be the car for you. Be warned, though: if you live in the inner city it’s quite possible that you’ll find your neighbours banging on your door with pitchforks and burning torches because they are sick of you taking up not only most of the car spaces in your street, but the entire car park at your local shopping centre.
There’s no denying the Nissan Patrol is an enormous amount of car for the money. Personally, I found it lacks the kind of driving involvement that makes me happy – but then most SUVs do. I like to sit roughly four or five metres closer to the ground than the Patrol’s elevated and commanding driver’s seat, but then I’m a bit of a weirdo.
Just ask my kids.
NISSAN PATROL Ti-L
ENGINE: 5.6-litre V8 (298kW/560Nm). Average fuel 14.4 litres (at least) per 100km TRANSMISSION: Seven-speed automatic, all-wheel drive
PRICE: $93,365
RATING: ★★★½
A Kimberley expedition – with an expertly made Negroni in hand
The land is as glorious as promised, and completely unspoilt, unlike the ship’s guests, whose every desire is satisfied. This is travel at the confluence of luxury and adventure.
The ultimate apple pie
Let this master baker teach you how to make the perfect pie, from the pastry up.