Nice, unusual: This Merc dares to be different
This Merc dares to be different.
Around this time of year my colleagues and I sit down and try to work out which cars will be subjected to a sideways, smoking-tyres track test in the next TV series. Normally it begins with Richard Hammond saying: “Well, there’s a new 911...” This is followed by my shoulders sagging to a point just below my navel, because what can you say about a Porsche 911 that hasn’t been said a billion times already? “The engine’s in the wrong place. It drives well. No one will let you out of side turnings. The end.”
Oh, sure, Porsche will explain in great detail that the new model is 4.5 per cent stiffer than the previous one and 5.8 grams lighter because it has titanium wheel nuts, but those are not the sorts of facts that work well when you are competing for viewers with House of Cards.
It’s the same story with any new AMG Mercedes. It may be a tiny bit quicker than the previous model, but that’s overshadowed by the massive wiggly back end and the thunderous noise. Points you’ve made several thousand times. Honestly, it’s like being in Groundhog Day.
And so it was with some despair that I looked on the wall chart the other day and noted that a new Mercedes would be arriving for me to write about. Oh no, I thought. It’ll be an AMG and I’ll have to think of another simile to describe the noise it makes. “God gargling with gravel.” Done that. “Thor treading on a bit of Lego.” Done that. “Tom Jones bending over to pick up the soap in a Strangeways [prison] shower.” AA Gill did that. And it’ll never be beaten. Like when he described the wet V8 burble of a TVR as sounding like two lesbians in a bucket.
‘Mercedes has gone down this route because it fancied having a pop at BMW’s fabulous 6 Series coupe.’
As it turned out I needn’t have worried, because the car that turned up was not a thundering AMG (don’t be fooled by the “AMG Line” trim, which denotes sporty seats and floor mats with “AMG” on them, not a snorting engine souped up by Mercedes’ skunkworks department). It was something called an E 400 4Matic coupe. Which in English means that it’s a four-wheel drive, two-door version of your luxury Uber driver’s E-Class saloon.
Mercedes has gone down this route because it fancied having a pop at BMW’s fabulous 6 Series coupe. It explains, with a serious face, that its car has 14mm more rear legroom than you get in the Beemer and that it’s also available with a four-cylinder engine. And then it sits back like a smug lawyer who’s delivered his killer point.
But, I’m sorry, Mercedes is missing the point. Nobody cares two hoots about rear legroom in a coupe. If they did, they’d buy the four-door saloon. The whole point of a coupe is its looks, and on that front BMW has the market covered because, ooh, that’s a handsome car. And the E 400 isn’t. It looks as if it used to be good-looking before it found the biscuit tin.
Inside, things are much better. You get air vents that resemble the plasma drive systems from a spaceship and, in the version I tested, a giant council-house flatscreen TV that tells you where you are, where you’re going and how quickly you’ll get there. As well as how much fuel there is in the tank and everything else in between. And, yes, it does allow you to choose the colour of the interior lighting. I went for purple. Even though it clashed badly with the exterior, which was the exact same colour as a placenta.
To drive? Well, a button hidden behind the steering wheel is used to start the engine, and the gear lever sticks out of the steering column. So it doesn’t begin or get going like a normal car, and this, it turns out, is the coupe’s party piece. Because it doesn’t feel normal when you’re driving along, either. Its 3.0-litre V6 produces loads of power – and propels the car to 100km/h in 5.3 seconds – and yet somehow it makes no noise at all. Unusually for a Mercedes, then, I’m having to think of a whole new simile. It’s like a Trappist monk who’s dead in a room made entirely from kapok.
However, there are many systems on hand to stop you crashing, and they are a bit panicky. Time and time again, the car’s on-board brain decided I was on the verge of a huge accident and took control of the brakes and the steering – a heart-stopping surprise. Mercedes needs to turn the intervention down a bit, to make it gentler and less alarming. Because, as it stands, it’s a good enough reason not to buy this car. I was tempted to turn the systems off, of course. But if you do that and then crash, and you have to spend the rest of your life communicating via a head wand, you’re going to feel a right Charlie.
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FAST FACTS: MERCEDES E 400 4MATIC COUPE
Engine: 3.0-litre V6 twin-turbo petrol (245kW/480Nm)
Transmission: Seven-speed automatic, all wheel drive; average fuel 8.4 litres per 100km
Price: $145,900