My children have stepped wholly into that world of the future, socially and intellectually, while I’ve hung back

Digital natives: “This is their world; as a parent, I cannot hold it back”

I have changed my mind. Increasingly this is happening as I age. In fact, ageing could be seen as The Getting of Doubt. All the fervid certainties of youth fall away. Why was I so… sure? Being certain stokes judgment, a narrowness of mind, a cementing of rigidity; such ugly traits. As you enter the autumnal stages of life you become looser, lighter, more open and accepting of others’ frailties – and your own. Just me? I hope not.

What have I changed my mind about? Kids and screens, an issue I’ve railed about for years, desperately wanting little bowed heads lifted to the sky and the world. Yet for the past couple of years the kids have been repeatedly marooned from normal existence, locked down and isolated and home-schooled; and screens, again and again, have got them through. They’re digital natives and this is their world; as a parent, I cannot hold it back.

The future is a foreign country, they do things differently there. My children have stepped wholly into that world of the future, socially and intellectually, while I’ve hung back, frightened and scornful of what we’ve lost. But this future way of interacting has seen them through these Covid years. For them, it’s been a blessing. The kids have managed to socialise through all their lockdowns and repeated isos, thanks to screens and TikToks and Snapchats; it is communion, their way of communion, and who am I to judge?

The 19-year-old, giggling with his mates at four in the morning as they compare Covid symptoms after they all caught it at the same time on a Byron Bay road trip. The 10-year-old, screaming with joy as he games with his posse during various Covid isos when we – or they – were all lying low. The 14-year-old’s five-hour conversations with her best friend who’s been following her around the house as our fifth child for quite some time now, dinners included. The girls snuggle in their respective beds and watch streaming series together, kilometres apart. It’s the new way of doing friendship and I’ve surrendered to it. It works.

Granted it’s a bookless, magazine-less, TV news-less world, but I’ve learnt to stop screaming inside and embrace it. Because the connections on the screens have been keeping the kids mentally balanced, connected, happy. What right do I have to denounce this medicine? We adults have inflicted so much trauma on this generation as it is. For years I’ve railed against the dehumanising aspect of screens on children, as their backs bend over the blue light and the outdoors is shunned. But during these Covid years I’ve seen the humanising aspect of those lit rectangles. Kids talking, laughing, sharing. What right do I have to take them away from all this?

So under my nose, there’s been a shift to embracing this virtual world. My resistance for so long was starting to feel ornery, calcifying. I’ve learnt that my reaction to screens created a wedge, a barrier, a conflict point through years of parenting – so many skirmishes, so much exhaustion over excessive use and device removal. More than one was hidden so effectively it was, gulp, lost to the world, and the family still blames me for losing a video game console for two and half years. (I had no idea where I’d put it.)

Who says my way was best anyway? The family was roaring ahead, into a brave new world, and I was clinging on to my old ways in horror. The caveat, of course, is that excessive screen use can be linked to depression, interrupted sleep and anxiety – but the trick is balance. I was wrong on this one and am happy to admit it, to open my heart to other rigidities too. There it is again, the getting of doubt, the softening beauty of it as we age.