Menopause stole my waist and my confidence

The grim fact: the new me feels like failure. I hate the flicker of judgment on the faces of people not seen for a while, that cannot be hidden; that look of, ‘Gosh, she’s let herself go’.

’It feels anti-intellectual to care so much. Yet I do.’: Nikki Gemmell. Picture: Jane Dempster

“Pure self-hatred.” A “f..king disaster.” Ah, the bracing honesty of Mr Robbie Williams. A man who tells vulnerable truths about being a man with great courage and potency. This time he was talking about body image and his constant struggle with losing weight, his battle with sugar in particular.

Williams went viral last year after opening up about his battles with body dysmorphia. His wife posted a picture of his new, slimmed down torso, which looked almost gaunt compared to his younger self. It elicited comment across the globe, for and against. Williams responded: “So if a genie appeared and said, ‘You can either have your superpower be the ability to fly, or eat what you want and remain at your goal weight’? I would go for goal weight eating every day.” He continued: “I could write a book about self-loathing where my body image is concerned. Like pure self-hatred, the ugliness of feeling ugly.” Ah, the courage in the soul-baring.

“I’m body dysmorphic,” Williams continued, “and on top of [that], at times I can be 40+ pounds [18kg] overweight. So you can imagine what my mind sees. Or maybe you can’t, either way it’s a f..king disaster.” The words felt refreshing, in a complex world that desires the socially acceptable image no matter how much we preach body positivity, inclusiveness and kindness. Fitness, discipline and control are still seen as ideal. We read character in body image. Awful, but true.

Robbie Williams has been open about his battles with weight. Picture: Supplied

Singer Paloma Faith jumped in with support: “I’m exactly the same … Sometimes when I see photos of me and I’m slim I can’t believe it and assume they’ve been photoshopped because in my mind I’m ALWAYS overweight and it’s exhausting. I wish I could be body positive but alas I’m just body negative, and I’ve had two babies.”

Body negative? I’ve joined that club, in fact have always been in it, despite photos from teen years of a not unpleasant creature when all I could see were fat thighs, depressing skin and facial thickening. And now my figure is heading towards the Venus of Willendorf’s and it disgusts me; that my self-confidence is so wedded to the banality of appearance. (The Venus was from a culture 25,000 years ago that worshipped the maternal shape; it feels a lot healthier and more embracing than ours.)

I have Hashimoto’s disease and it’s a bullying tormentor in my life, for no matter what I do I can’t shed the stubborn menopausal thickening. The grim fact: the new me feels like failure. I hate the flicker of judgment on the faces of people not seen for a while, that cannot be hidden; that look of, “Gosh, she’s let herself go.”

Menopause stole my waist and this new body shape has damaged my equilibrium, my confidence. It feels anti-intellectual to care so much. Yet I do.

Model Kate Moss at London Fashion Week in 1999.

Kate Moss once declared, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” – and the world roared in horror. But I recognised, deep down, the gist of it. Darkly, guiltily. Recognised the glittery allure of skinny, the sense of power it bestows.

Yet a mate, a little older, is further and wiser along the Hashi’s path. She says her disease never lets her rest but she’s come to see it as a blessing. “You look out rather than in,” she says, “and no one sees you anymore. Which means you can be you.”

To me this woman is utterly beautiful, strong, powerful, because she has an acceptance of who she is. And with that comes a serene and grounded confidence.

Unlike Williams, whose highly anticipated biopic, Better Man, is out this summer. The singer asked in his post, “What is it that is hardwired in us, that is so calloused, that makes self-acceptance and self-love so difficult it seems impossible? If someone else recognises themselves in the words I’ve written, maybe it helps both of us.”

I suspect his honesty helps a lot of people, and thank him for it.