Let us bow our heads

Our phones have become the new religion.

Sydney Airport, which on a good day is hell on Earth. And this is not a good day. Air traffic control’s radar system has crashed and, to avoid planes doing likewise, umpteen flights have been cancelled. By now I’d expected to be enjoying the sonic censorship of noise-cancelling headphones and sleeping at 30,000 feet, halfway to Melbourne where Barry Jones is scheduled to cut the ribbon on my new/old book. New because it’s just out. Old because it’s largely recycled columns from this august publication. Instead I’m sitting in a lounge being transfused with coffee while staring at my iPhone – as are my fellow (non) travellers. Our heads are bowed as if in prayer – which is pretty much the truth of it.

Outside, the muttering, mutinous throng queuing at security are staring at theirs, cursing the heavens that are denied them, staring at their little screens and stabbing at tiny alphabets with thick thumbs. Ditto for countless millions around the planet – Facebooking, texting and Donald Trumping in a religious ritual that transcends all other dogmas. And I suddenly recall seeing throngs of saffron-robed monks in Phnom Penh who, traffic-jamming the streets, have begging bowls in one hand and iPhones in the other. Praying and tweeting at the same time. And from Buddhists to the burqa – women in Cairo communicating with the outside world while hiding from it in their oppressive clothing.

“Ah, the prayers of the millions,” John Steinbeck one mused. “How they must fight and destroy each other on their way to the throne of God.” Now our tweets fight and destroy each other on their way to the phone of God. There’s been a lot of anger (and Trump tweets) about black athletes kneeling during the US national anthem. I believe we should kneel while composing our 140 characters or Facebook entries. The smartphone is, after all, our faith, our altar, our confessional. Even the Pope tweets.

The Tibetans have prayer wheels. We have our phones. The Gregorians have their chants. Islam has its memorised passages from the Koran. We have our phones. The Mormons had their golden plates. We have our phones. And so do the Tibetans, the Gregorians, the Mormons and the Muslims. We are divided by our theologies but united in our technologies. Even atheists cannot escape this new catholicism.

Catholic? In essence it means the holos, diversity, broad based. Which links to broadband. With the new Apple headquarters the digital Vatican, the messianic Steve Jobs the latter-day St Peter. Or was St Steve the Messiah? His return to Apple the Second Coming?

We’ve got lousy internet at the farm. The NBN is NBG, DOA, RIP. So my iPhone is mostly iPhucked. And to see “no service” in the corner of your tiny screen is to be cast into outer darkness. To have a flat battery? That’s to find yourself in purgatory – not long after the Vatican closed the place down. (Or was that limbo? Or both?)

The algorithm is thy shepherd, thou shalt not want. Not while you’ve got Amazon, Facebook and Google, while Uber is alles. And Amazon, Facebook, Google and Uber have you. We are dual citizens – of Australia and the internet. Vote Yes for SMS.

God didn’t exist, doesn’t exist but clearly is coming into existence via this ever-expanding universe of IT and AI. This vast all-knowing consciousness. And we now have life after death if we want it or not – because our messages and mega-data are eternal, no matter how much we might like to erase them. Amen.