I’ve decided to go out with a bang – metaphorically, lest an assassin is reading this

As you know, beloved reader, PM stands for a few things, including post meridiem, post mortem and prime minister. And this post meridiem I’d like to embrace all three and conduct a post mortem on my prime ministership.

First of all, thanks for your congratulatory messages via social media and snail mail. Usually the bulk of my tweets come from trolls and I open envelopes with considerable care, fearing at the very least death threats if not letter bombs or anthrax. But in the past two weeks? Sweetness and light. People relieved to see me in the Lodge and at Kirribilli wish me well as Australia’s 31st PM, saying “Well, you couldn’t be worse than…” (before listing off a roll call of predecessors). I’m not at all sure of that but I do hope to do better than the 18th, 20th, 25th, 28th, 29th and 30th.

No one was more surprised than me, except you and Antony Green, when Governor-General What’shisname (sorry, it’s on the tip of my tongue but I’m not alone in suffering GG amnesia) invited me to form a government. Well, not so much invited as insisted. Given the magnitude of the constitutional crisis. Apparently his choice of me was pretty random – either alphabetical order or a name pulled out of a hat. When I pointed out that I was 82 he said that didn’t matter – he wasn’t thinking of a second term. For either of us.

So here I am. And here we are. So let’s make the best of it. I’ve decided to go out with a bang – metaphorically, lest an assassin is reading this – and be very innovative.

Looking at the success of Volodymyr Zelenskyy in Ukraine, my first impulse was to appoint my entire ministry from the ranks of comedians. Too late for the great Clarkie, although with John’s political insights he’d have been my first and second choice as DPM. (Given that Barnaby Joyce was a stand-out stand-up in the role for Scomo, there’s clearly a precedent.) That leaves Mark Humphries (sadly, Barry Humphries is far too right wing for consideration). Dan Ilic for Defence? Shaun Micallef for Treasury? Both the Greenslades for something. And Roz Hammond for Womens’ Affairs.

Gina Riley a must, ditto Jane Turner, Judith Lucy, Wendy Harmer, Kitty Flanagan and Aunty Jack (note the emphasis on women in senior roles). So even if my term in office isn’t wildly successful, it’ll be a load of laughs.

Rob Sitch as Minister for Development. Jane Kennedy as Media Minister. Question Time? A riot. Hansard? A hoot. Particularly with the crème de la crème of our political cartoonists in other portfolios. What those subversives don’t know about Australian politics isn’t worth knowing.

My chief-of-staff Tim Minchin says I have to appoint a Speaker. Come on down Magda Szubanski. And Hannah Gadsby? Please stay on in the US as our Ambassador to Washington. Equally amusingly, ABC board members will be made up of people who actually like the ABC.

That’s looking pretty good so far. But there’s a lot of serious, no-joke business to look after. Thus the entire cabinet will share the Ministry for the Climate Crisis. After all, it permeates every aspect of our national – and international – life. This brings us to the Uluru Statement. My Minister for an Indigenous Voice to Parliament is, of course, Marcia Langton. Did I mention that we’re now a Republic? Sorry, captain’s choice. First president: my dear friend Lowitja O’Donoghue.