Isuzu D-Max Mudmaster: Jeremy Clarkson review
This vehicle is fitted with every single mud-plugging option you could wish for – but it’s missing an engine.
There is talk that our glorious and visionary leaders are thinking of subjecting farmland to inheritance tax. And obviously this has gone down very badly in the sticks, because it would end the centuries-old practice of farmers begetting farmers. Your grandad was a farmer, so your dad was and now you are. And because your big-handed kids all wear check shirts and Schöffels, they will be too. If farms attracted inheritance tax, all this would have to stop. When your dad dies, you’ll have to sell the farm. Which will be tricky because who’d pay millions for a business that makes about 40p a year? Apart from me, obviously.
You’d imagine, of course, that our government would realise this and drop their plans immediately. But hang on a minute, you’re forgetting something; many of these guys started out as revolutionary Marxists. They believed, and in the wee small hours probably still do, that property is theft and no one should be allowed to own land.
They believe it should all belong to the state because only the state knows how to run anything. And now they’ve worked out how this might be achieved. The farmer dies, and his son or daughter can’t find a buyer. The tax therefore can’t be paid, so the government sends the bailiffs round.
Within 20 years they will have complete control of the countryside. No pesky farmers will be on hand to stop them doing what they want. And it’s easy to see what that is. We know that they are inclined to ban anything they don’t like. Smoking was first. And meat will be next. Which means all the land that used to be used for rearing cattle and sheep and pigs will be turned into wildflower meadows.
And with farmers out the way, a nationwide right to roam will be introduced so that hard-working families in the community will be allowed to wander about wherever they see fit. Naturally the badger cull will be abolished, because with no cows to worry about, tuberculosis will no longer be an issue.
Of course a state farm will be established, with folk from Kentish Town and Islington put in charge of working out what sort of kale should be planted and how it can all be grown organically and sustainably using electric tractors.
And because it’ll all be organic, there will be no need for weedkiller or insecticides. So once again our rivers and streams will glisten and tinkle with a trouty freshness. It’s perfect socialism, it really is. There will even be week-long queues for bread. And all the newsreaders will wear military uniforms.
And then we get to Ed Miliband, our Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero. At present Ed is limited to parading around under a wind turbine singing, “The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.” He actually did that. With a ukulele. It’s on YouTube and I strongly recommend you don’t watch it. I did, and some sick came into my mouth. It’s like Theresa May doing that Abba dance but worse. Anyway, Miliband is not just a socialist. He’s also a climate zealot, so when he has control of a farmer-free countryside, he will carpet-bomb the whole thing with wind turbines and there will be nobody to stop him. Anyone suspected of voting Tory will get one on their front lawn, and if they think you voted Reform you’ll get a new town as well.
Obviously in this brave new world some of the pursuits currently enjoyed by country people will have to stop. Riding horses, for example. Or shooting a pheasant for the table. And especially taking your four-wheel drive into the forest and deliberately getting it stuck so it can become muddy.
This is a thing. People do it. They fit their LandCruisers, Land Rovers and Jeeps with tough suspension, knobbly tyres and souped-up engines in the hope that they can conquer 2m-deep mud pools, scale sheer rock faces and achieve ridiculous angles while traversing a slope. But all they do when they’re out there is pray that they don’t make it so they can get into the mud and rip all their fingernails out while attaching their winch to a tree. It’s not my cup of tea but, not being a socialist, I don’t really mind if they do it. But you can bet your bottom dollar that Greta Miliband and Karl Starmer mind very much. So you can be assured it’ll be banned.
This is bad news for Isuzu, whose latest product is a pick-up truck called the Mudmaster. We know this is its name because it’s written in the sort of font you find at paintball sites in huge letters down each side. What you don’t realise is this vehicle is fitted with every single mud-plugging option you could wish for.
The last special edition Isuzu pick-up I tried was for camping trips. It even had a stove. This is for serious off-roading, so in addition to switchable two or four-wheel drive, a locking differential, a hill descent speed limiter and praiseworthy approach and departure angles, it has a snorkel so you can maintain progress even when the roof is under water. Then, behind the number plate, there’s a winch. And then you have – deep breath – wind visors on the doors, a bonnet protector, a Lazer Linear-36 Elite lightbar, steel underbody protection, Lazer Sentinel Elite lamps, an ARB base rack, custom off-road side steps, a Pedders off-road suspension kit and 20in Hurricane alloy wheels. This may be gobbledygook to you, but to an off-road enthusiast it’s porn.
Does it work? No, not really, because it feels like you’ve spent a million pounds at a discount supermarket. And underneath all the flimflam it’s powered by a four-cylinder, 1.9-litre diesel engine. That’s not big enough for a car this huge. It is by some margin the least refined engine in production, and when you couple this with a noticeable absence of acceleration and a ride that makes the average garden trampoline feel like an anvil, you end up with a car that you simply wouldn’t want to take to the countryside if it’s more than 10km away.
I commend Isuzu for making these limited edition cars, but so long as the firm continues to fit that woeful engine they’re not really going to work, except maybe in a town where the top speed you can achieve is 15km/h. Maybe that will be the next version we see. The Isuzu Town Buster. But it had better hurry because, the last I heard, private cars are going to be banned from city centres very soon.
Isuzu D-Max Mudmaster
ENGINE: 1.9-litre, four-cylinder diesel
PERFORMANCE: 0-100km/h 13 seconds, top speed 180km/h
PRICE: D-Max range from $32,700
JEREMY’S RATING:★★★