I’m all in favour of the policy keeping jerks out of the office

Are you a possibly quite unpleasant person on the road? In the supermarket queue? Boardroom? Office kitchen, or, perhaps, at a commercial TV station? This applies to you.

Bullying in the workplace istock

Are you a possibly quite unpleasant person on the road? In the supermarket queue? Boardroom? Office kitchen, or, perhaps, at a commercial TV station? Then please note the adoption, increasingly, of the quite magnificent “No Dickheads Policy”. Especially in our workplaces. It’s a statement of intent in terms of staffing, and it’s spreading across the world. It’s known in other realms as the No Jerks Policy (US) and the No Arseholes Policy (UK) but in our fair nation we gravitate to that distinctly descriptive and utterly Australian moniker, Dickhead. And in this more aware world, the NDP is increasingly flavouring recruitment choices here and elsewhere.

The Sunday Times wrote recently of that deliciously rumptious English streamer Rivals, and the rules its production company adhered to when choosing the actors. “The producers imposed a ‘no arseholes’ policy for casting, with due diligence to ensure no actor was going to be difficult, demanding or downright nasty.” This neatly sums up the current thinking around the tricky people in our midst, and whether it’s really worth bringing them into a workplace, no matter how talented they are.

The dickheadis brewed from the wounded, threatened or diminished ego.

Because, well, why bother with those who drain the energy of a company, white-anting harmony, calm and cohesion? Why bother with the heart sinkers as opposed to the heart lifters? Dickheads are a drain on the joy of life and frankly, as you get older, life’s too short.

The phrase “No Dickheads Policy” was popularised years ago in Australia by visionary Sydney Swans coach Paul Roos as he recruited new talent. The genius aim: to bring up players who weren’t only excellent at kicking goals but also great role models, which would feed into the harmony and strength of his club’s culture. Because just one or two fragile egos can disrupt the equilibrium of an entire team, with major ramifications on the oval.

It’s all about fragility, of course. The dickhead is brewed from the wounded, threatened or diminished ego. Those most comfortable in themselves, with who they are and where they are in life, are far less likely to be dickheads. At our most fragile and uncertain we’re not our best selves; the bully is deeply unhappy.

The Swans’ innovative No Dickheads Policy was explained by Rick Barham, the club’s recruiting manager at the time: “You won’t find a dickhead on our list. I won’t name the names but we’ve been laughed at sometimes for overlooking kids because they didn’t have the qualities we wanted. A few years later, the same blokes are making headlines for the wrong sort of things. They’re underperforming or getting traded. Sometimes they’re even getting offered to us.”

And now we’ve got a renewed focus on the term, not least on film sets rife with fragile egos. Actor Michael Douglas once spoke on what contributes to an optimal filming experience: “The message, for me, is really good material and working with good people. And no dickheads! Alright? No dickheads. It puts too much stress on everything. You want to work with positive, good people.”

Then there’s the rage of the menopausal woman whose entire being, quite possibly, is now predicated on a blazing championing of the No Dickheads Policy. After years of tolerating these people, being “good”, giving way; years of witnessing them get the pay rise and promotion she didn’t (when she was far more capable) and saying yes of course to them and making herself smaller and quieter and less threatening to them. But no longer. And if you’re a dickhead, a word of advice: stay out of that woman’s way. For she’s cutting loose, and cutting you loose. She sees through you, is deeply unimpressed, and is giving you no slack. Because she’s been “nice” for far too long. And the No Dickheads Policy was made for her.