If BMW continues to produce cars like this - then it has a problem

BMW coupes are meant to be fast, sleek, and sexy - the paragon of ultimate-driving-machine excellence. What on Earth happened with this one?

The M440i xDrive Coupe.

For the past few months there has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth over the revamping of Jaguar’s brand, with a new logo, a new motto and the striking pink Type 00 electric concept car. And there have been bouts of spontaneous self-flagellation over the TV commercial shot to mark the moment of this transition. Because it was a festival of rampant diversity and inclusion, and there were no cars in it.

People said it was a Bud Light moment (recalling when the beer brand roped in the trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney to push its awful lager), and there have been claims that Jaguar’s management team has plainly lost its mind. It’s like McDonnell Douglas getting out of the jet fighter game and into ­scented hand creams. Reform UK leader Nigel Farage, of course, was incandescent.

Until now I haven’t commented on this ­extraordinary change of ­direction as I’ve been watching and listening and trying to collect my thoughts. But this is what I’m thinking. The Farage people who’ve been moaning about the big pink Type 00 say Jaguars are about grace, space and pace. They’ve pointed at the classic 1960s E-type and all those oily-faced men who won Le Mans. And, for sure, they have a point. But the fact is that almost all of them weren’t actually buying Jags.

In 2019 Jaguar sold 161,601 cars in the UK. In 2023 that was down to 33,320. Sure, you looked at the XJ and you thought it was handsome and quiet and fast, and then you bought a Beemer. It was the same story with the F-type. “Wow, what a machine,” you all cried. And then you bought a Mercedes. There was simply no point going on. The brand wasn’t dead but it was definitely coughing up blood. So the only possible way forward was to create a new brand. Electric, of course, because that’s the way the world is moving, and expensive, because there’s no point going toe to toe with the Chinese in the mass-market EV space.

The famous leaping cat badge had to go on the scrap heap, as it was called the “growler” and that’s not allowed any more. Of course, if you are of a Farage disposition, you may say the end result is too trans-friendly and the relentless wokeness will bring about brokeness for Jaguar. But think about it. In last year’s US election 75 million people voted for Kamala Harris, the wokest presidential candidate ever. That’s a big market. And in California especially, many of them are rich enough to afford a Jag. And when Trump’s finished they’ll be richer still, hilariously.

In short, then: I’m not going to buy one. But I’m betting Jaguar will end up selling more cars than it does now. Certainly it will be a lot more than would have been the case if it had continued to somnambulate down the path of old-man misty-eyed romanticism.

Which brings me on to BMW. For the past 50 years its coupes have been bite-the-back-of-your-hand gorgeous. The 3.0 CSL, the 6-series that followed it, the Gran Coupe and even the old 850. There may have been flaws and there was certainly a lot of depreciation, but ooh, they were lookers. And here we are now with the M440, which is a two-door version of the 3-series. And hmmm. Because while it’s a long way from ugly, it doesn’t compel you to fall into a dead faint. I think the main problem is this: BMWs always look like a giant has pulled the body, stretching it to just about cover the wheels, but with the 440 they’re a little bit lost in the arches. I never saw Mohamed Al Fayed naked but I suspect he’d look like this. Lots of body and quite spindly little legs.

Inside the BMW M440i xDrive.

The problem also extends to the ­inside, which simply isn’t snazzy enough. BMWs have never been gauche, so I wasn’t expecting ­jewels and peacock feathers, but I also wasn’t expecting a relentless swathe of grey. And that’s what I got. It was like being inside a filing cabinet. Speed? Well, it says 440 on the back, so logic dictates that it has a 4.0-litre engine. It doesn’t. A point that became apparent when I pulled out to overtake one of those dreadful Chinese MG SUVs on a road with a 100km/h limit. It was dead straight. It was dry. But our man in the MG, perhaps distracted by the lemony goodness from the air freshener affixed to his rear-view mirror, was trundling along at 60km/h. So I decided to get past.

But instead of a 4.0-litre V8, the Beemer has a 3.0-litre straight six with a spot of 48-volt hybridness that gives you a glow of eco contentedness. And bugger all else. It took a surprisingly long time to overtake our friend in the MG, who decided to signal his impatience, or probably impotence, by leaning on his horn. I think he thought I was taking my time on purpose, but I wasn’t. The 440 is a lot slower than you think.

Inside the cabin.

I also didn’t like the steering. It lacked quite a lot of feel. That said, the car was comfortable, quiet and, with four-wheel drive, steady and secure. There’s four-wheel steering, too, but I’m not a fan. Yes, it improves your lap times at Silverstone, but when you’re not at Silverstone, which let’s face it is most of the time, it just makes your passengers prone to car sickness.

By now you might think I have a bit of a downer on the 440, and you’d be right. And I haven’t even got to the most annoying feature: the ventilation system. I have exactly the same beef with Lisa’s Range Rover. There are a lot of graphics and bells and even more whistles, but what it can’t do very well is make you cold when you’re hot and hot when you’re cold.

This wouldn’t really matter if the 4 Series was bursting with BMW even-weight-distribution-ultimate-driving-machine excellence. And the famed coupe looks. But those things seem to have been cast aside and what’s left is just some car.

It’s not going to be enough. When the Chinese have fully girded their loins, car companies such as BMW will need to be at the top of their game to fight off the invading army of wheeled microwaves. And this 440 is a long way from the top of its game. A year ago I would have said that BMW will survive the coming invasion and that Jaguar won’t. But as things stand right now, I think it might be the other way round.

BMW M440i xDrive Coupe 3.0i

ENGINE: 3.0-litre, six-cylinder, twin-turbo petrol

PERFORMANCE: 0-100km/h 4.5 seconds; top speed 249km/h

PRICE: From $126,300

JEREMY’S RATING: ★★★