Holden v Ford: a permanent form of road rage

Australia’s own car: well, sort of. Picture: Getty Images

The Great Divide in this country is not only a mountain range. Equally divisive are issues of race: the atrocities that were consequential to the lie of Terra nullius, the bigotries of the White Australia Policy and our continuing mistreatment of refugees. Then came religion – the great divide between Catholics and Proddies that tore our politics apart for generations. And finally there were cars. The great divide between Ford and Holden.

Forget football codes. The war between the two auto brands seemed a permanent form of road rage, like Northern Ireland on wheels. When Australians chose sides, their automotive allegiances were often passed down from generation to generation, their loyalties as intense as patriotism. But while one was sold as “Australia’s own car”, we were actually choosing between two American brands, General Motors having acquired Holden in the 1930s.

Now Holden, like the White Australia Policy, is gone. Removed from Australian culture by a decision made in Detroit. The Holden lion, once as Aussie Aussie Aussie as the Qantas kangaroo, is road kill. Nowadays the only motorised vehicles manufactured here are motor mowers, a bit slow for the daily commute. But other forms of automotive apartheid live on. Rear wheel versus front wheel versus 4WD. Ute versus sedan versus SUV. And petrol versus diesel versus electric. Each with its passionate devotees.

There have been attempts to power cars by solar – even long-distance racing between vehicles looking crustacean with their carapaces of rooftop panels. But this is now marginalised by the likes of Musk. Which is a paradox, given solar’s triumph on the rooftops of our suburban homes. Given our sunburnt country will be increasingly sunburnt by climate change, I’d have hoped the CSIRO would be fighting for the sun as motive power.

My old cobber Karl Kruszelnicki came up with a great idea yonks ago. Pointing out how hot our black asphalt roads get in summer, he said why not make our highways and motorways into a vast solar power grid? Karl didn’t elaborate on this idea, so I will. Don’t electrify our cars. Electrify our roads! Like trams, cars could just charge around without recharging. Electric Elon wouldn’t like it, of course – but that’s a powerful argument in its favour. Anything to reduce the menace of Musk. And KK and PA could share the Nobel Prize for Physics. Or Common Sense.

Nikola Tesla fought a long battle with Thomas Edison – his erstwhile employer – over the merits of AC versus DC. Nikola favoured Alternating Current over Thomas’s Direct Current; the argument led to some bizarre and grisly demonstrations, including the execution of an elephant by electrocution. Lacking an iota of electrical literacy, I’ll leave the final decision on that to Karl. But for all my ignorance, I’m convinced that electrifying Australia’s hot roads is the answer.

I expect to be mocked. That is the destiny of any true visionary. They mocked my mentor Joh Bjelke-Petersen too. Remember when Joh backed the Horvath hydrogen car? That was powered by water! Goodonyer Joh – who’s laughing now?

I am entirely confident that a new car industry will rise from the ruins of Detroit – that GM executives reading this column will reopen rusty plants across Australia. Ditto Ford. And soon, once again, we will be choosing between Ford and Holden and give Musk a kick in the bum. The world’s richest man no more. Elon will be humbled, reduced to thumbing a ride beside the electrified Hume Highway. Next? Solar submarines.