Chanting “12 more years” in hundreds of languages, billions dancing in the streets will result in reverberations not recorded by Richter since the last big San Francisco earthquake, another disaster President Trump rightly blames on the Democrats. And more carbon dioxide will be released by popping bottles of Bollie than burning Australian coal.
Which reminds me that our Prime Minister is one of hundreds of lesser lights on hold for the Oval Office as congratulations flood in from the world’s demagogues to their demi-god – now to be upgraded to fully-fledged deity. Bolsonaro, Duterte, Putin, Lukashenko, Kim Jong-un, Boris Johnson and Dan Andrews among those first to phone.
As promised in his 2016 campaign, Trump has locked Hillary up. Guantanamo is going to be busy as she is joined by other traitors, including Biden. POTUS has also locked up his wife Melania, his prompt pardoning of Ghislaine suggesting Ms Maxwell may be Trump’s first choice as First Lady. Work is already underway to chisel President Trump’s visage into Mount Rushmore, not as an addition but replacing Lincoln’s. Ditto with Abraham’s statue in the Lincoln Memorial.
“I’ll have the whitest White House,” the President promised, referring to plans being prepared to smother 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in gold leaf in accord with the tradition on display at Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue and at Mar-a-Lago. While we await confirmation that the White House will be renamed Trump House, we learn that gilding will be applied to the President himself, real gold replacing the current orange.
Following his coronation – wittily described as “his corona-nation” by chief-of-staff Roger Stone – POTUS will take over the title of Sun King previously held by Louis XIV. The coronation will end the era of inaugurations as power shifts from the voters to the Trump dynasty. Succession planning to rank his descendants is well underway, with Prince Andrew offering royal advice. The presence of the Queen at the coronation has already been promised by PM Boris as a gesture of “the special relationship”. And all the heads of religion will attend – in streets lined with the KKK in their cleanest sheets.
The coronation of Sun King Trump will be the best news for humanity since the asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs 65 million years ago – or the birth of our Saviour, which occurred not in a manger in Bethlehem in Year Zero but on June 14, 1946. Yes, when baby Donald was born in the Jamaica Hospital in the Borough of Queens.
Breaking news... Exit polls confirm that even the dead voted for Trump – grateful for his support for their growing demographic. And Jerry Falwell Jr (freshly pardoned) confirms that God has expressed approval of the fake election results. To mark Donald’s great victory, the US dollar will henceforth be known as the Trump, and Trump Tower will be ranked as a sacred site along with the Vatican and Mecca. More breaking news... King Donald has ordered that Barack Obama be deported to his place of birth in Kenya, along with Kamala Harris.
It has been a great privilege to bring these glad tidings to you. I can now die happy.
Can BYD blow away HiLux and the Ranger with an electric ute?
There has been a lot of frothing excitement about BYD bringing this, the first-ever PHEV ute, to market. Prepare to be surprised by what this ‘quiet giant’ has to offer.
‘A part of me grieves not being able to fly like I did’
As a career dancer Kelley Abbey tread the boards on some of the world’s biggest stages but as a choreographer she has soared to greater heights. How will she tame a stage the size of a football field for this year’s Handa Opera on Sydney Harbour?
With the Electoral College more of an electoral kindergarten for a spoilt brat – and the US Postal Service failing to deliver – I’m anticipating Antony Green by calling it for Trump. And joining in the greatest worldwide celebrations since Donald led the troops in the Normandy Landing.