Forget MENSA, join Clive Palmer, Pauline Hanson and other luminaries in DENSA

Given safety in numbers, people shoal like fish. They club together on any excuse. Ex-military service, for example, or football teams and codes. Fan clubs of all sorts, even some comprising serial killer groupies. Book clubs abound; brands of car or motorcycle have avid adherents. Animal protection inspires togetherness, as do various bigotries, sexual proclivities and political beliefs. Country women join the CWA, men the Freemasons. Millions around the planet link via social media.

Then there are those who see themselves as VIPs of IQ. In 1946, at Oxford University, an Australian barrister by the name of Roland Berrill co-founded MENSA, intended to be a society for the intellectual crème de la crème – people proven, by IQ testing, to be in the top 2 per cent of braininess. Berrill wanted MENSA to be “an aristocracy of the intellect” and was reportedly displeased, in later years, that the majority of Menseans “came from humble homes”.

Seventy-two years later, another Australian (me) founded DENSA, intended to be a society for the opposite. People proven by their professed opinions to be dills, most mildly amusing but some, because of social or political prominence, dangerously stupid. Like other influential outfits – the Melbourne Club and the Qantas Chairman’s Lounge come to mind – admission is by invitation only. Mine. To set the standard, I chose Donald Trump as our patron. We await his grateful tweet.

Initial Australian invitees offered full Fools Gold Membership include party leaders past and/or present. Mark Latham, Barnaby Joyce, Pauline Hanson, Bob Katter, Cory Bernardi, Derryn Hinch, Clive Palmer and David Leyonhjelm. Associate membership has been granted to all members of Hanson’s Billy Tea Party, aka One Nation, and to the deplorables lining up with Palmer to Make Australia Great.

Where the Melbourne Club once barred its doors to Jews and Catholics, where many clubs like Tattersalls and Savage excluded women from membership (some still do), DENSA is all-inclusive. Race, religion, gender and social class don’t come into it. If you are a first-class dill, you will be welcome. DENSA is the first proud dumbocracy. A true and unapologetic de-meritocracy.

But mere stupidity is not enough. DENSA places highest value on wilful ignorance. DENSA thinks it best if you refuse to believe in science. This guarantees membership to flat-earthers, Pentacostalists who deny evolution (yes, we’re evaluating the current PM), anti-vaxers and climate change denialists. Former ABC chairman Maurice Newman is welcome to apply, as are shock-jocks Alan Jones and Ray Hadley.

MENSA currently claims more than 2000 Australian members and 134,000 worldwide. DENSA Australia already has hundreds of thousands, making us larger than all political parties combined and all other clubs, including footy clubs. We’re second only to the RSL clubs that have lots of pokies. (We’re thinking of installing pokies – ones that take your money and never pay out. Members won’t notice.)

If you’re interested in joining, send me your details. Like MENSA, DENSA has a formal exam to measure your IQ and if you fail utterly you’re in with a chance. We use the multiple-choice format like that of Millionaire Hot Seat (thanks for your help, Eddie), where all four answers are incorrect.

You may have noticed there’s been a mass exodus of MPs from the Coalition’s front bench. A lot of political refugees. We welcome their avid interest in DENSA but our tiny staff (me) is overloaded. So we’re going to use offshore processing. See you all in Nauru.