My old Golf is better than this knock-off Gucci bag on wheels

This gussied-up Golf is designed to fool strangers into thinking you are flash with cash and a driver of daring and dash, because it looks and feels, inside and out, like the Golf R.

The 11TSI Volkswagen Golf, R-Line. Picture: Supplied

In theory, I can’t use this column to write an extended poetic prattle about how much I love my Golf (the car, not the hobby – it’s not a “sport” if you can play it in a beanie, vest and salmon trousers), because I’m supposedly here to review new cars and mine is so old I should be embarrassed to talk about it.

But I just might be able to hide it inside a story about a newer Volkswagen Golf, the 110TSI R-Line, which is basically a knock-off Gucci handbag on wheels. Or at least a non-genuine pair of Air Jordans.

This gussied-up Golf is designed to fool strangers into thinking you are flash with cash and a driver of daring and dash, because it looks and feels, inside and out, like the Golf R, an absolutely stupendous hot hatch that costs $70,590. The Golf R is an all-wheel-drive rocket, powered by a 2.0-litre turbo engine that makes 235kW and 400Nm, smacks 100km/h in 4.8 seconds, and is so much fun to drive that it makes you wonder if you really do need to spend three times as much on a Porsche 911. It also sounds so angry you’d think it had just woken up with a wasp’s nest up its back passage.

The 110TSI R-Line is basically a knock-off Gucci handbag on wheels.

The Golf R-Line is a cleverly similar-looking vehicle, with R badges, 18-inch alloys and bucket seats (mine was even the same bold blue colour as the last proper R I drove), yet it offers half the grunt (110kW, 250Nm) and in a race to 100km/h it would be better not to embarrass yourself – it takes 8.6 seconds.

It’s hard to tell all that by looking at an R-Line as it drives past, but people with ears would surely notice that its 1.4-litre engine does not sound as raucous as its big brother.

Before we talk about the price, I should mention the existence of the legendary Golf GTI, a variant that sits between these two options and has long been the affordable sports car that I, and other wise paupers, have dared to dream of. The GTI is fast but not furious, and for a long time it was priced at around $40,000. Today, however, a Golf Mk 8 with added GTI goodness will cost you $55,990. What you can actually afford for $40k today ($42,490 to be precise) is the Golf R-Line. The good news is that you’ll be only mildly heartbroken you couldn’t take the next step up.

The R-Line is not hugely fast, and yet I drove it up a favourite mountain pass and absolutely loved it, only once finding it wanting for power, and always being most amused and involved by its playful but sharp handling attitude, pleasant steering and general sportiness. Turns out it gets the sports suspension package and progressive steering you’d find in the real R, and the GTI.

The fact that the seats feel like proper racy ones and the steering wheel is also sprinkled with sporty spice almost make up for the lack of exciting noises.

The R-Line is not hugely fast, and yet I drove it up a favourite mountain pass and absolutely loved it. Picture: Supplied

Obviously, however, it would be better if it was a manual, and six years older, like my Golf Mk 7.5. What I noticed, hopping between mine and the new one, was not only how much I’ve fallen in love with our little car, but how small, and thus chuckable, it feels compared to the newer Volkswagen.

I know humans are constantly expanding, including me, but it’s genuinely remarkable how much wider the new one feels when there are two of you in the front.

My old Golf is better not only because its manual gearbox allows me to wring its neck and enjoy the tap-dancing perfection of heel-and-toeing on down changes (a skill my teenager couldn’t be less interested in learning), nor just because I have bonded with it over time, an entirely new sensation for someone who normally only keeps cars for a week. No, it is also better because VW has cocked up the operating system and general usability of the new one by making it unnecessarily fiddly and ripping its knobs off. That’s right, there’s no volume knob for the stereo in the new Golf, not even a twiddly scroll thing on the steering wheel. You have to slap at buttons or slide your finger like someone checking if the dusting’s been done.

In every way, my Golf 7.5 is a simpler, purer and more intimate car, and it cost less than half as much. Tellingly, however, with the two parked next to each other, and even though the R-Line has an automatic gearbox, I would take the newer one every time, and not just because of the resale value.

While there might be a few issues with the brain and twiddly bits of the newer Golf, there’s no doubt they’ve done an incredible job on its body. Perhaps it needed a bit of extra heft to perfect it, but the Golf Mk 8 really is a great looking machine, and only gets better when you throw some R bits on it.

No doubt if I traded up, I’d prattle on about an R-Line, too.

VW Golf R-Line

ENGINE: 1.4-litre turbocharged four-cylinder (110kW, 250Nm)

FUEL ECONOMY: 5.8 litres per 100km

TRANSMISSION: Automatic eight-speed transmission, front-wheel drive

PRICE: $42,490