I created DENSA, the MENSA for fellow dills

George W Bush and Donald Trump are the patron saints of DENSA – which demonstrates that we shun any political bias. Picture: AFP

MENSA is an organisation open to those who score in the 98th percentile or higher in a standardised IQ test. I tried to join decades ago and failed. In retaliation I created DENSA, the MENSA for fellow dills. George W Bush and Donald Trump are the patron saints of DENSA – which demonstrates that we shun any political bias.

We do have an IQ test, but if you want to join it’s imperative that you fail it. Intelligent people trying to sneak in will be caught either by our old algorithm or via AI. (Why would people try to be stow-aways in DENSA, you might ask? Because it’s clearly advantageous, as dills rule the world.)

I’m proud to say our first Australian member was Pauline Hanson. She proved the gold standard for Density. Next we welcomed many leading figures from the Nats. More recently Scott Morrison was signed up, plus Mark Latham who I’m assured was once leader of the ALP. As you see, no hint of bias.

Our first Australian member was Pauline Hanson. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Martin Ollman

Every shock-jock is guaranteed membership, as are members of the Institute of Public Affairs and attendees at events organised by the Sydney Institute. My lifelong friend Gerard Henderson was one of our first Honorary Life Members.

Where MENSA struggles to keep its numbers up, DENSA is flooded with applicants who often don’t even realise they’ve applied. Most of them are too dense to fill out the forms. (We have a large team of non-talent spotters.) So many applied in 2023 that we had to close the books. But to celebrate the New Year we have resolved to welcome newbies. Nominations are welcome. We are also seeking new patrons. Philanthropists like Dick Smith and Twiggy have shown little interest. For some reason we’re unattractive to the smart money. A pity, as owing to inflation our running costs are high.

Perhaps high-ranking people in the fossil fuel industries are reading this. Please help. Climate change denialism is high on our list of DENSA policies. And that brings us to other DENSA principles. We not only oppose climate science but are proudly anti-science in general. Hence our brave stance on vaccination – yes, we’re anti-vaxxers.

Forget mind power. Life experience demonstrates the dominance of dill power. Look at the US in the run-up to the next presidential election. Donald, the doyen, doge and dean of dills, remains the front-runner despite every effort of his to destroy US democracy. Other contenders for the Republican crown are splendid examples of DENSA density, too. But like Pauline here in Australia, The Donald sets the gold standard. (No Bitcoins accepted. We’re not that stupid.) And millions in the US will demonstrate their qualifications for DENSA membership by voting for him. In the event of him losing (again) they will say the election was stolen and storm the Capitol. Book your tickets now.

At the same time, send me your nominations for DENSA. Please fill out the forms neatly in crayon. Given that human intelligence has failed the IQ test so spectacularly in the US and across the world, perhaps it’s time (It’s Time? That’d make a good campaign slogan) to hand over to AI.