Bring back primitive parenting

Parents in the old days slapped their children. That is not a misprint. And they did so with neither shame nor remorse.

Back in the olden days, before the internet, there existed a life form known as the old-style parent. You may not be familiar with the pagan rites and rituals of old-style parenting, but let me tell you, it was all the go back then. Proponents held fast to primitive ways that have long since disappeared.

Parents in those days sometimes slapped their children. That is not a misprint. And they did so in public with neither shame nor remorse. Indeed, public displays of parental discipline were rampant.

I have repressed this memory for far too long but now I am coming out as a victim of a public slapping event. It happened when I was three, and I still carry the scars. I was out with my mother when we chanced upon a toy shop, whereupon I declared - I insisted - that she must buy me a Matchbox toy car. I stamped my feet. I put on a show. I cried. My mother bent down and slapped the back of my legs with a single stroke. I have no idea if it hurt, because I was so shocked by the act. Never again did I pester my mother for things we could not afford.

Do you know what else those old-style mothers did? (Warning: the following sentence may shock some readers.) They cooked one evening meal that was consumed by all family members at the same time at the same table. There were no variations to this meal for individual family members, either in its content or in matters such as where or when it might be consumed. All family members sat in one place at one time and ate the food they were given. It could have been stew or chops or sausages with any combination of three boiled vegetables; only the cook knew what the meal would be before it arrived at the table. It did not occur to that old-style parent to ask what each child might like for dinner. The meal was not democratically elected. And yet it was served, and served without shame.

What's more, there was a very good chance that the unilaterally imposed meal, that symbol of unyielding parental authority, contained food that was not the child's favourite. I know, I know. There is an entire generation of old-style parenting victims who were forced as children to sometimes eat their non-favourite food. Who were not given the option of eating in front of the television. Who were expected to miss their favourite television show if it coincided with dinner time. How could old-style parent dictators not see the horror, the inhumanity, the sheer cruelty of their actions?

The final ignominy in this most primitive of old-style parental practices involved children, as well as teenagers - teenagers, for goodness' sake - being expected to help do the dishes after the meal.

By "do the dishes" I do not mean loading the dishwasher, because of course that machine had not yet been invented. Let me explain the concept of washing dishes without a dishwasher. You may wish to take notes. One family member would put water and detergent in the sink and wash dishes in it, and other family members would help dry the clean dishes with a tea-towel. It was a system involving intense negotiations as to who would wash and who would dry.

Thankfully, all this belongs to another era, and primitive old-style parenting practices have no place in the civilised world of today. We live in an age of enlightenment in which all family members, regardless of age, are free to shape the open and democratic operation of the household.