As ambassador to America, imagine what I could do

I’m going to be a very busy boy. There’s AUKUS – all those nuclear-powered subs to negotiate. Not to mention US bases, Pine Gap and other means of sacrificing our sovereignty in the cause of better US relations.

When the job of Australia's ambassador to the US came up, I was deemed an acceptable replacement.

By the time you read this column I will have taken up residence at the new Australian Embassy in New York’s Trump Tower and presented my credentials to the incoming US president.

I needed a job. Badly. Since being forced to retire from the ABC on grounds of “early onset” it’s been thin pickings. As you know, I missed out on becoming the new Governor-General for being insufficiently woke – and last year was passed over as head of the Reserve Bank despite being eminently qualified, given my ignorance of economics.

Both jobs went to women. Need I say more?

Oh, and although Virginia Bell (one of my predecessors at Late Night Live) got appointed to the High Court as a judge, I was deemed too dilapidated and old. This in contrast to the US Supreme Court, where octogenarians are seen as being in their prime. Just another example of how America is streets ahead.

When the job of Australia’s ambassador to the US came up, I was sad for Kevin Rudd – we’re old friends – but he’d blotted his copybook by saying rude things about Trump. I was deemed an acceptable replacement because the incoming administration mistook my award as Republican of the Year (see my Wikipedia entry) as signifying support for the Republican Party. All Canberra had to do was move our embassy from DC to Manhattan and I was in like Flynn.

Kevin Rudd blotted his copybook by saying rude things about Donald Trump.

I have of course been intensely briefed and taught to speak with an American accent. But since I’ve watched US cinema and TV all my life, this was a doddle. You’d swear I was a New Yorker or a Floridian. Mar-a-Lago here I come!

Time to thank Joe Hockey for the golf lessons. Having only played a round of mini-golf some decades ago, I needed a crash course on a full-size course. Hockey, having often played with Trump, showed me how to diplomatically lose on every hole. Onya Joe.

Its also time to thank Trumpette Gina Rinehart for lessons in presidential etiquette. (Onya Gina). And goodonyer Scott Morrison, who’s long been close to the incoming president. ScoMo found time in his busy schedule to fill me in on delicate subjects such as Pentecostalism and climate change denialism.

I’m going to be a very busy boy. There’s AUKUS – all those nuclear-powered subs to negotiate. Not to mention US bases, Pine Gap and other means of sacrificing our sovereignty in the cause of better US relations.

Talking of which, I’d like to congratulate the Labor Government for its bold decision to hand over all foreign policy to our powerful friends. This may force some redundancies in Defence, but will lead to greater efficiencies in our forthcoming war with China.

As you may know I’ve been a member of AusFlag, an organisation devoted to the cause of getting the Union Jack off our flag. It’s stuck in the corner like an effing postage stamp, so as to send patriotic thoughts back to Buck Palace. I will now be able to have this pommyfication replaced with the Stars ‘n’ Stripes – as we make the inevitable move to become the US’s 51st state. It’s a foregone conclusion. A mere formality. Top of my list.

The quid pro quo? From now on, we all get to vote in US elections.