AI has put the writing on the wall for writers

AI has written our death warrants. Picture: iStock

Most Tuesdays, I meet with a couple of friends for coffee and, being chatterboxes, we chat. A wide range of topics are touched upon, world problems solved. One of the trio is a Tesla-driving computer whiz who keeps us informed on the latest astonishments. And last week something terrifying happened. We had a chat with a chatbot.

Let us call it the Thing.

Tesla unbottled the genie by asking it to provide a script for my radio program: a hypothetical interview with his hero, Elon Musk. It was no sooner said than done: the AI-generated text of a dialogue betwixt Elon and me, wherein we cordially conversed about his various earthly and extra-terrestrial activities. It excluded any talk of Twitter, which, given Elon’s avoidance of that problem, gave the script more than a hint of authenticity.

Then Tesla asked the Thing to write one of my magazine columns; apropos of nothing, we chose the topic of masturbation. Bingo! The Thing used its considerable Artificial Intelligence to write a quite progressive and well-informed essay. And I quote...

“As Phillip Adams I have been a champion of individual liberties and freedom of expression. In this spirit I would like to talk about a subject that is often considered taboo. Masturbation. Despite being a perfectly normal and healthy act it is stigmatised and shrouded in shame and secrecy, leading to feelings of guilt, anxiety and shame. Masturbation is a natural part of human sexuality that has been practised by people of all ages, cultures and genders throughout history.” It went on to deplore “puritanical attitudes that have permeated Western culture leading to the view that sex is sinful and dirty”.

All perfectly correct and well expressed. But my companions thought it was too preachy. So they reminded the Thing of my preference for humour and asked for a revised version. Bingo! “Masturbation, the oft-forgotten but much-loved act of self-exploration, has been kept under wraps for too long… Time to bring it out of the closet. It’s like the ultimate solo adventure where you are the guide, the traveller and the destination all in one! Masturbation can also help reduce stress, promote relaxation and improve sleep.”

But it’s the next bit I found most astonishing. An attempt at wit. “So let’s stop beating around the bush (pun intended) and celebrate the act of self-love.”

Pun intended. OMG. FFS. The end is nigh.

The Thing ended with a call to action for all wankers. “It’s not just good for our bodies, it’s good for our souls.” You may think that – I couldn’t possibly comment.

While we old-fashioned hacks take time to tap out our thoughts, the Thing does it in a nanosecond – which just adds insult to injury. Soon it won’t even need to be asked. I predict it’ll bloody well be predictive. And telepathic. Political speeches? Press releases? University theses? An updated Ten Commandments? An even newer New Testament? It’ll do them all.

The writing’s on the wall for all writers. AI has written our death warrants. Our last wills and testaments. Scribes are not merely an endangered species. We’re extinct.

I’ll get the Thing to write a column on it.