Pirates of the Antipodean: Curse of the sunburnt country

All the times Australia has been mentioned in the Johnny vs Amber trial.

All the times Australia has been mentioned in the Johnny vs Amber trial.

Amber Heard and Johnny Depp have a, uhm, complicated relationship with Australia.

An island of devastatingly beautiful landscapes. A continent responsible for Kylie Minogue, Hugh Jackman and the Hembrows. A nation that’s girt by sea (Hey Siri, define ‘girt’).

Some might say Australia is the third member of the outstanding defamation case over an article Heard penned in the Washington Post alleging domestic violence. Depp is suing her for US$50m, because he reckons the article was about him. Heard is counter-suing for $100m.

But for now, we’re not digging into the ins-and-outs of the case. 

Instead we’re flipping through a highlight reel of the love-hate relationship between our stunning country and this problematic pair.

The House of Pain

The setting for Depp and Heard's Australian adventures is a multi-million dollar mansion that sits atop a hill on Queensland's Gold Coast. 

The luxurious slice of Australian real-estate heaven has an exterior of complete opulence, cloaked with golden concrete and towering columns. But behind its facade have been scenes of complete and utter horror. 

It has been the site of severed fingers. Of smashed vodka bottles. Of smuggled dogs. And it's on the market.

Boasting 10 luxurious bedrooms and 10 bathrooms, the riverfront property known as Diamond Head is expected to sell for at least AU$40m. 

Located on the Coomera River, the property is sprawled across 16 hectares, with coastline views, a luxury pool, tennis courts, elevators, go-carts and dirt bikes.

A built-in cinema stems off the main bedroom and the property has its own helicopter hangar.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reportedly stayed in the mansion during the filming of Jolie’s 2013 movie Unbroken in 2013, and P!nk and her motocross-racer husband Carey Hart have also resided there.

The severed finger

But we ain't looking to buy it anytime soon, and not just because we in no way have the money to. 

Depp's severed finger was alleged sliced off by Heard within the mansion when she threw a vodka bottle at him, according to the house manager, Ben King. 

Depp's bloodied finger. Picture: Fairfax County Court.

On March 8 2015, King testified to arriving at the residence to Heard's "hysterical sobbing". He then witnessed Depp's personal doctor David Kipper fishing around for the finger tip in a bin. 

Eventually, Mr King discovered the fingertip "directly below the bar" where he noticed a paper towel with "lots of blood around it" on the floor. 

“[They] were keen to get it to the hospital quickly to see if it could be reattached,” he told the court.

Depp also testified to the blazing row. 

"She then grabbed that bottle and threw it at me," he said. "I felt heat and as if something was dripping down my hand."

"I was looking directly at my bone sticking out." 

Pistol and Boo

The Yorkshire terriers that were illegally smuggled into Australia and threatened with euthanisation. 

Back in 2015 when the couple were just married, they took a trip to Australia where Depp was filming Pirates of the Caribbean 5 (that’s right, there’s five of them.) 

Young pups Pistol and Boo were taken along for the ride, but hadn’t been granted a visa. That is, Heard had illegally smuggled the dogs into Queensland via private jet.

Australia is governed by strict quarantine regulations to prevent diseases such as rabies from spreading to its shores. Bringing pets into the country means applying for a permit and 10 days of quarantine on arrival. 

Pistol and Boo :(

Barnaby Joyce, serving as Agriculture Minister at the time, gave Heard an ultimatum: get rid of the dogs or they would be euthanised within 72 hours. 

“If we start letting movie stars – even though they’ve been the sexiest man alive twice – to come into our nation (with pets), then why don’t we just break the laws for everybody?” Joyce said. 

“It’s time that Pistol and Boo buggered off back to the United States.”

Amber Heard with either Pistol or Boo.

A Department of Agriculture officer escorted the dogs from the couple’s mansion on the Gold Coast to the airport, where they were put on a flight to the US just hours before the deadline.

The Oz reached out to Barnaby Joyce to get comment on the current trial, but he never returned the call.

Heard pleaded guilty to falsifying immigration documents, and was placed on a one-month good behaviour bond. 

As part of the settlement, the duo were forced to record this hostage-y video which is giving major when-your-mum-forces-you-to-apologise-to-your-sister-for-giving-her-a-wedgie-but-you-don't-really-mean-it vibes.