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Elizabeth Holmes will live in a cell, Lisa Wilkinson quits, FIFA World Cup's drunk uncle

All the news that's fit to mint.

Jenna ClarkeEditorial Director
6 min read
4:59PMNovember 18, 2022.
Updated 5:26PMNovember 21, 2022
The Oz
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All the news that's fit to mint.

What's happening in (The) Oz:

📺 Lisa Wilkinson says 'catch ya' to the critics

🤔 Kath & Kim are back, and now starring Julia Gillard

📯 Australia Post have just discovered Saturdays

👩🏻‍⚖️ Pregnant fraudster Elizabeth Holmes sentenced to jail 

🧑🏻‍💻 Medibank hackers continue to be the worst, are now probably leaking fake info

🦘 Kangaroos aren't just superior animals

🏉 Jillaroos can crack whips everywhere

🤳🏼 Elon takes pity on Donald Trump, gives him back access to his soapbox

🇨🇳 Albanese is totally chill he didn't get an invite to China. Seriously, he's fine 

⚽️ The FIFA boss just made Trump look like a Rhodes Scholar

Good morning, welcome to Monday, let's get this bread.

(Gluten free of course, because there's enough pain in the world without the added stress of IBS).

Speaking of effluent and new things, Kath & Kim made their return to the small screen last night.

Twenty years after the foxy morons quit TV, Kath & Kim: Our Effluent Life aired. It was fine.

READ MORE: There’s only one thing Kath & Kim have in common with Selena Gomez

The highlight was the running commentary spliced in between flashbacks and new scenes by a myriad of stars, including former Prime Minister Julia Gillard.

The key takeaways from her:

  • A lot of of politicians think they are better than they are at their job - basically parliament is littered with Kims.
  • Kath would make a great PM
  • Sharon would be "this country's greatest Sports Minister"
  • Prude and Trude "would not sit in my cabinet, they'd be on the opposition benches," Gillard said.

It was actually a huge night of free to air TV on Sunday.

Lisa Wilkinson called time on her time at The Project.

While saying farewell she also called out the “toxicity” of media scrutiny that she claimed she been confronted with since that Logies speech in June.

“The last six months have not been easy,” she said. “And the relentless targeted toxicity by some sections of the media has taken a toll, not just on me, but on people I love.”

But Wilkinson went on: “Don’t get me wrong: I’m not above criticism. Far from it. I’m human, and I don’t always get it right. But by God, I’ve tried. I’ve given this job everything I have. I hope you at home know that. I hope I’ve brought you stories that matter, and introduced you to people whose lives and stories otherwise might never have been told."

Australia Post enters 2022

Our national carrier has started delivering our mail and packages on a Saturday.

“With the start of the Cyber Sales last week we are already seeing a spike in parcel volumes as consumers start their Christmas shopping early by bagging a bargain in the sales. Over the next week we expect this volume to increase even further, with the Black Friday sales kicking off as early as this weekend," Australia Post's commercial executive Gary Starr said.

“We’ve been preparing all year for another big Christmas, including recruiting thousands of additional staff to ensure things run as smoothly as possible. Commencing a temporary Saturday delivery service is just another measure we have put in place to help us get parcels delivered on time this festive season.”

Weekend deliveries will remain in place up until Christmas, depending on volumes.

Well, well, well...

Introducing the new face of the 'when actions meet consequences' franchise - Elizabeth Holmes.

The Theranos founder and convicted fraudster was sentenced to more than 11 years in jail for her scam as she attempted to become Silicon Valley's first female billionaire.

Turns out ripping people off ain't the way to do it.

Brace for more CAPS

Donald Trump's time in Twitter's naughty corner is up.

Medibank continues to drip like a dodgy tap 

Those Russian cyber criminals have released the fifth tranche of stolen data in four folders from Medibank - the most recent Australian company to require a virtual incontinence pad.

The files - published on the dark web - are labelled "Sexually transmitted diseases", "HIV", "Psycho" and "Viral hep" as they escalate their assault on Australia’s biggest health insurer without a shred of irony that they're all probably virgins who can't drive.  

The release of the records is aimed at causing Medibank maximum harm after chief executive David Koczkar and chairman Mike Wilkins declared it still won't cave to the hackers’ $15 million ransom demand. 

While the names of the folders are targeted at causing mass anxiety among customers, Medibank said there were no health insurance treatment codes for sexually transmitted diseases.

The four folders contain about 1500 customer records.

Koczkar said Medibank were conducting further analysis to determine the accuracy of the data. 

“Previous files released have not matched our records,” he said. “For example, we are half way through analysing the ‘STD’ list – so far there are no codes that relate to STDs. Anyone who downloads this data from the dark web, which is more complicated than searching for information in a public internet forum and attempts to profit from it is committing a crime.

“We will continue to support all people who have been impacted by this crime through our Cyber Response Support Program.  This includes mental health and wellbeing support, identity protection and financial hardship measures.”

Some good sporting news

The Kangaroos have won a record 12th World Cup victory.

The Australian team beat Samoa on Saturday night.

Skipper James Tedesco said his teammates had left their best performance of the World Cup until last.

"We came over here six, seven weeks ago, this group of blokes and we've formed such a close bond. It's so special representing our country and putting this jersey, so it's a really proud moment," he said.

"It's killed us the last three years with COVID not being able to play for our country ... we just wanted to work hard for each other and we showed that tonight."

The Jillaroos also had a win against New Zealand, their third consecutive Women's World Cup title.

FIFA boss gives the world more reason to ignore soccer in Qatar

The other World Cup - the soccer one - is getting uglier than David Beckham's hairstyles in the mid-2000s.

On Sunday the FIFA boss when full Trump dressing down everyone from western companies to countries to minorities all around the world.

Despite all 32 teams at the World Cup being told to shut up and “focus on the football”, the league's boss Gianni Infantino went rogue over the weekend.

Nothing was off limits as the most powerful man in football vented his frustration in a 61-minute tirade that encompassed 3000 years of history, the evils of colonialism, childhood bullying and freckles. 

All totally normal areas for a sports press conference.

The build-up to the World Cup in Qatar has been dominated by years of controversy focusing on the host nation’s treatment of migrant workers and record on human rights.

But on Saturday, FIFA President Infantino forcefully pushed back against the opprobrium, insisting much of the criticism was misplaced and unfair.

Ok babes.

Meanwhile, the Socceroos camp isn't prepping so well.

It was confirmed late Sunday night Martin Boyle - a "lively right winger" - failed a fitness test on his injured knee and won't be taking the pitch.

He was one of Australia’s best player throughout the long World Cup qualification process, so Boyle’s absence is being touted as a disaster for coach Graham Arnold.

Albanese isn't on the list

Lucky we're good at sport as Australia didn't make the cut on the "come visit China" tour.

NZ PM Jacinda Ardern is heading to Beijing. Anthony Albanese is not.

Albanese said he was not concerned at not receiving an invitation to China, as New Zealand President Jacinda Ardern had.

“Jacinda Ardern, that was anticipated that that would happen. What has occurred and the context of the Australian-China relationship is very different,” Albanese said as the APEC summit wrapped up in Thailand over the weekend.

“There'd been no contact since 2016. And over the previous term of the government there hadn't been so much as a phone conversation.

“So what we're seeing is the foreign ministers meet, the defence ministers meet and now the leaders meet.”

However he did get a chance to chat to President Xi Jinping. A chinwag he labelled as "constructive", but the Chinese leader did not make any promises to address Australia’s grievances over trade sanctions and other matters.

“I think the positive statement from President Xi was that he emphasised that he wanted a better relationship with Australia,” Albanese said on Sunday.

He said he “stood up for Australia’s national interests” in the meeting, and President Xi “indicated his position” in return.

Albanese said he was hopeful there would be “positive steps forward” between China and Australia in the future, particularly concerning trade.

“So when it comes, for example, to trade, it is in Australia's interest to export our wine, our meat, our seafood, our wonderful products, our mineral resources, but it's in China's interest to receive them as well.

“It's in their interest to do it… and I'm very hopeful that what we can see now is some positive steps forward.”

Albanese said he also discussed with President Xi the fact he could influence the Ukraine war and help end the conflict given China’s relationship with Russia.

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Original URL: https://www.theaustralian.com.au/the-oz/news/elizabeth-holmes-future-in-a-tiny-cell-lisa-wilkinson-quits-fifa-world-cups-drunk-uncle/news-story/dcaca573e2b92dde7c0655b7dacbe534