The mad, mad state of Australian cricket is laid bare

Hopeless batting. Heroic bowling. Australia has skittled the West Indies for 27 on its last day of Test cricket before the Ashes. Urn-wise, what have we learned?

“Madness.”

Stark-raving … Mitchell Starc-raving … Madness.

That was captain Pat Cummins’ considered assessment of Australia’s stupefyingly quick final Test before the Ashes.

An emphatic 176-run victory over a hapless West Indies, highlighted by Starc’s ground-shaking, stump-breaking, history-making express bowling and an exultant hat-trick to the cult hero’s cult hero, Scott Boland, on a wild third day of the final Test at Kingston, Jamaica, that finished with Australia retaining the Frank Worrell Trophy in a 3-0 series triumph. Wickets were tumbling, batters were dropping like flies, heads were spinning, records were breaking, beer and bubbly was flowing, and thoughts soon drifted over the North Atlantic Ocean and arrived at the Ashes.

Urn-wise, what have we learned? Cummins’ Australians have been abroad since the World Test Championship loss to South Africa at Lord’s last month. The bowling in the Caribbean has yet again sparkled like sunset at Bob Marley Beach.

The batting remains abominable. The faltering run-gatherers were once more bailed out by the leather-flingers. From London to Kingston, the fumbling, bumbling batters have posted totals of 212, 207, 180, 310, 286, 243, 225 and 121. The average of 223 goes beyond and below average.

Full marks to Cummins, Starc, Josh Hazlewood and Boland for their matchwinning bowling, but in the same breath, sitting awkwardly in the same dressing room, there’s question marks over the positions of Usman Khawaja, Sam Konstas and Beau Webster, and how to best use Cam Green and Steve Smith, with no more Tests to be played before the Ashes begin in November. Fantastic bowling and batting flops in the same XI … that’s a mad, mad world.

Australia’s triumphant bowlers in Jamaica: Josh Hazlewood, Pat Cummins, Mitchell Starc and Scott Boland with the Frank Worrell Trophy

A photo was doing the rounds on Tuesday of the fab four fast bowlers – Cummins, Starc, Boland and Josh Hazlewood – holding the Frank Worrell Trophy. Fair enough. The batters didn’t deserve to be in the happy snap. Perhaps they’d been kicked out of the ground. Sent back to the hotel, and the naughty corner, or the nets.

Still, let’s not be too nitpickity. It’s not every day you roll a side for 27. In fact, in the 148 years of Test cricket, through all the hills and valleys of the world’s greentops and dustbowls, only the 26 by dear old New Zealand against England in 1955 has been more laughable. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, seven Windies batters, if you could call them that, registered ducks as Starc took five wickets in 15 fanciful balls (fastest ever) and Boland, nicknamed “Bolo,” as popular as your local bowlo on a Saturday night, grabbed three wickets in three balls to become the 10th Australian to claim a Test hat-trick.

“Today seemed to be playing in fast forward,” Cummins said after Australia dismissed the Windies in an hour of power.

Meanwhile, urn-wise, England was galvanised by a nailbiting, high-quality 23-run victory over India at Lord’s to lead their five-Test series 2-1. The visitors will send a crackerjack team to these shores. Their batters are having pre-Ashes nightmares about facing Australia’s venomous bowling attack; their bowlers, with Jofra Archer taking five wickets in his first Test since February 2021, will be licking their lips at the uncertainty and instability in the top order.

Just four months shy of the first Test, we’re none the wiser about which batters to keep, sack, trust or shuffle.

Don’t try to work it out. From Konstas potentially being too young to Khawaja being too old, the whole thing’s confusing enough to drive you mad.