Nathan Lyon was told he was 12th man at Kingston. I’m 12th what?

Apropos of not much, Nathan Lyon’s sacking reminded me of being ditched by a dreamy high-school girlfriend when I didn’t even know there was a problem.

Nathan Lyon checked his calendar. Wasn’t April Fool’s Day. He examined his body. Neither bump nor bruise were located. He googled his stats. Five-hundred-and-sixty-two Test wickets at 30.14. Had these clowns forgotten? He considered whom he might have offended. Recalled no dressing-room stinks.

Tony Dodemaide must’ve been pulling his leg. Lyon was being politely informed his shuffling, tweaking, oft matchwinning, previously indispensable services weren’t required for the third Test against West Indies. It was like The Beatles telling Ringo Starr that conditions didn’t suit a drummer on this particular occasion. A penny for Lyon’s reaction.

PR departments looove a cheesy video of players being informed of their selections. We see the cheers, the tears, the calls home to mum and grandma and various other dears, and all these clips are rather wonderful and soapy, but where’s the footage of players being dumped? What I would give for one lone PR officer to be so raw, truthful and brave.

Apropos of not much, Lyon’s sacking reminded me of being ditched by a dreamy high-school girlfriend when I didn’t even know there was a problem. I’m fine now. Really, I am. Forty years later, I think I’m ready to move on. I just imagine Lyon responding to Dodemaide like I reacted to what’s-her-face. Along the lines of, you’re bloody kidding me! Oh, shoot. You’re not kidding at all. Well, thanks for letting me know. And go get ’em.

The West Indies’ Anderson Phillip takes the catch to dismiss Australia’s Travis Head on day one of the third Test at Sabina Park in Kingston. Picture: AP Photo/Ricardo Mazalan

Lyon was told he was 12th man at Kingston. He might have heard incorrectly. I’m 12th what? I’m the all-time 12th-best cricketer Australia has produced? I’m the 12th-finest player in the world right now? I’m in the top 12 international bowlers in history? He was assigned to carrying the drinks at Kingston and probably fancied a stiff one himself. Australia’s Mount Rushmore of a bowling attack – Pat Cummins as George Washington, Josh Hazlewood as Thomas Jefferson, Mitchell Starc as Teddy Roosevelt and Lyon as Abraham Lincoln – was being disbanded and demolished. Lyon was replaced by Scott Boland, who must’ve checked his calendar, too. You sure it wasn’t April 1?

And yet it made sense. Lyon hasn’t bowled a heck of a lot in recent matches and rarely bowls at all when the sky is black and the ball is pink. He delivered only eight overs in the first innings of the match that must not be named, the disastrous World Test Championship Final at Lord’s, and he bowled a mere eight overs in the first Test at Bridgetown, and a bludger’s shift of 5.3 overs in the second innings at St George’s. He was peeved to be regarded as dispensable while be sacked when fit for the first time in yonks, and he was miffed to be excluded from his great mate Mitchell Starc’s 100th Test, but it was a perfectly understandable call in a day-night fixture in which the pink ball was guaranteed to swing like Duke Ellington in the 1920s and seam like a madman.

Then again, was it not a curious decision when you consider Australia already had four swingers and seamers plus all-rounder Beau Webster? There was no drastic reason for change in a series already in the kit bag, and this is Lyon’s and Australia’s last Test before the Ashes, and who knew when he might come in handy, and he had a million brownie points in his favour, and he was part of the furniture, and to borrow from The Castle, it was the vibe of it, and the Constitution, and Mabo, and justice, and law ... it just seemed odd.

“He’s disappointed because he wants to play every game,” Dodemaide said.

“He’s a great competitor and he believes he can be effective in any conditions. But he’s a team man, as well. Understands the right thing for the team and he’ll do his best to support the guys.

“But I said it’s a one-off. It’s no reflection on performance for Nathan. It’s simply the best way we think we can win this game.”

Australia's Mitchell Starc – playing his 100th Test match – celebrates taking the wicket of the West Indies’ Kevlon Anderson on day one at Sabina Park. Picture: AP Photo/Ricardo Mazalan

Computer killed the offspinning star. Computer considered whether the 37-year-old offspinner warranted selection and computer said no. Fact: Lyon bowled one over in last year’s day-night Test in Adelaide. Fact: Lyon wasn’t called upon at all against England in the pink-ball Test at Hobart in 2022. Fact: Australia’s resident computer geek, Thomas Body, reckoned the pink Duke’s (Ellington?) ball called for pace, pace and more pace at Kingston and the selectors believed him. Mount Rushmore crumbled.

“From the limited data that we have on particularly the pink Duke’s ball ... it actually behaves a little differently to the Kookaburra one, it doesn’t go as soft,” Dodemaide said. “The Kookaburra one tends to have a trough when it doesn’t move so much in those middle overs. That’s not the case with the Duke’s.

“The history tells us that, and that’s been our lived experience when we’ve been here for the past couple of days in terms of the practice sessions that we’ve had.

“There’s longer nights here, the night sessions are genuinely night sessions, and when those conditions kick in, we know that’s very difficult for the batters.

“So, based on all of that, we thought that spin would not really have a significant part in the game. We’ve got a terrific analyst. Tom is a genius, he’s a brilliant analyst, and that was quite compelling.”

Meanwhile, Sam Konstas left himself with one innings to shore up his Ashes spot. He should have been caught in slips on one. Was dismissed for a laborious 17. In his fifth Test, he’s averaging 18. That’s so comically bad it deserves the theme music to Benny Hill. He needs to make a hundred in his second dig or the Position Vacant sign goes up.

Note to self. As ever, yarns about the early rounds of the next Sheffield Shield season must include the words “Bat-Off”. All Test cricketers perform or perish.