What happens in Kensington Palace ... doesn’t stay in Kensington Palace
After two royal weddings and a royal baby, 2018 ends with a steady drip of toxic gossip flowing out of Kensington Palace.
Until recently, the news consisted mainly of squabbling politicians, which isn’t very festive at all. Then the royal family rose magnificently to the occasion. After a year of wonderful headlines — two royal weddings and a royal baby — they seem intent on snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, with a steady drip of toxic gossip flowing out of Kensington Palace. Squabbling duchesses, stroppy princes, tears, tantrums and tiaras, it’s got it all. It’s as if someone in the royal household decided that what the peasants need is a fun distraction and a reminder of just how weird the royals all are.
Who didn’t smile at the news that a Californian TV actress threw a monumental strop about a tiara? You didn’t? You’re coming over all sanctimonious and saying you never read this stuff? You’re missing a trick. There hasn’t been so much fun to be had since the glory days of Diana and Fergie. Here’s what we’ve learnt.
* Harry and Meghan are moving to Windsor, but definitely not flouncing out of Kensington Palace because Meghan and Kate hate each other
These reports first surfaced in The Sun and the Daily Mail, so they must be true. And who wouldn’t want to swap a newly done-up palace in central London for a dump down the M4, directly under the Heathrow flight path, called Frogmore Cottage?
* Meghan and Kate don’t hate each other, “they are very different people”
This quote from a courtier translates roughly as “they prefer not to be in the same room, ever”. Even when that room is the Royal Albert Hall, where Kate was recently seated smugly next to the Queen, while Harry and Meghan were out of shot, in the back row, in a different time zone. See also the Service of Remembrance at the Cenotaph, where they were given separate balconies. To conclude: one is a gobby, divorced, sometimes-vegan actress who grafted her way to a TV career, ditching a husband, most of her friends and all of her family except her mother on the way. The other is a family girl from the home counties who has never had a proper job (yes, I know she theoretically “worked” at Jigsaw; but, no, fannying around with accessories before quitting because you need to go on holiday with your boyfriend doesn’t count as a job).
* Prince Charles tried to broker a ceasefire by suggesting William and Kate invite Harry and Meghan to Anmer Hall for the weekend
This all went swimmingly — apart from when Kate told off Meghan for the way she talked to the staff, Meghan told Harry, Harry went ballistic and William took Kate’s side. That is, if the Mail on Sunday is to be believed.
* Weddings aren’t always about the bride
If, for example, Meghan is there, then they’re about Meghan. She used the occasion of Princess Eugenie’s wedding to announce her pregnancy, perhaps because everyone was conveniently gathered in one place, or perhaps because the girl just can’t help herself.
* Kate is known as the steel marshmallow: soft on the outside, steely on the inside
Least surprising revelation ever. This is a girl who found her destiny at university and clung on for dear life until he eventually married her.
* Kate cried during a fitting for Princess Charlotte’s bridesmaid’s dress
Details of this revelation in The Daily Telegraph are scandalously thin. Who was there? What went wrong? Did Meghan give Kate a Chinese burn?
* Meghan’s a breath of fresh air for the royal family
The last female addition to the royal family to be described as a breath of fresh air was Fergie. I make no further comment.
* What Meghan wants, Meghan gets
This, apparently, was what Prince Harry shouted at a hapless courtier who was trying to explain that no, she couldn’t wear the emerald tiara because nobody knew where the emeralds came from — a problem to which we can all relate — but they might be from Russia, and given the state of relations with Russia it might not be the best idea to give them a starring role at a royal wedding.
* What Meghan wants, she doesn’t always get
And so to reports in the Daily Mail at the weekend that she wanted to spray air freshener round St George’s Chapel because it smelt “musty”. It is possible that someone pointed out to her that medieval buildings rarely, if ever, smell of Diptyque’s Feu de Bois candle. Since Meghan is Californian, it is also possible that after meditating on the situation in a darkened room she viewed it as a challenge to be overcome. She did not prevail. Royals 1, Californians 0.
* That employees tend not to like it if you speak to them rudely, bombard them with emails at five in the morning and make them cry
In the few short months since Harry put a ring on it, three of Meghan’s staff have quit, including her PA, Melissa Toubati, who left after six months in the job. Toubati’s CV included being Robbie Williams’s PA because pop stars are famously easy to deal with and have no unreasonable demands at all. Yet she couldn’t, or wouldn’t, cope with Meghan.
* Christmas is cancelled, at least for William and Kate
James Middleton said on German TV that Christmas was all about family, which was clearly a sign that William and Kate were snubbing Sandringham for Bucklebury. Alas, yesterday it turned out that there’s a three-line whip to go to Sandringham and smile. There, Meghan and Kate will joyfully embrace the need to change outfits five times a day and skip to church on Christmas morning, rejoicing in the knowledge that the day will include parlour games with Prince Andrew.
* Over in Bucklebury, here’s what they’re missing
— Carole Middleton’s Christmas
1) she has more Christmas trees than you
In pretty much every room, by the sound of it, including individual ones in the grandchildren’s bedrooms that they can decorate themselves. Because nothing teaches the importance of sharing like having your own bespoke Christmas tree to decorate.
— Carole Middleton’s Christmas 2) the importance of themes
You might consider a successful Christmas to be one where the turkey isn’t raw and nobody becomes violent. The Middletons haven’t got where they are today by not aiming higher. Christmas trees, wrapping paper, table decorations — everything in Bucklebury, Middleton ground zero, has a theme. Few of us knew that wrapping paper could have a theme, but it can. Carole starts planning her themes as soon as Hallowe’en is over, leading us to . . .
— Carole Middleton’s Christmas 3) the importance of planning
Make lists. Send out invitations. Be clear about the dress code. You don’t have a dress code? Quick, get one. Also, she advises that you don’t get hung up on perfection. Often, she says, it’s the mistakes that make things memorable, but mistakes have an order of magnitude. I’m guessing she’s not referring to anything like the time my maternal grandmother took the turkey out of the oven, dropped it and watched while it skidded across the floor and came to rest under the sink.
That in the course of an interview about how totally and completely normal she is, just exactly like you and me, nothing to see here, everyone move along now, Carole Middleton said . . .
“Make it clear on the invitation if you want people to wear black tie and long dresses.”
- When wrapping presents, “Mike gets very involved with the square shapes”
Is that code? Is Michael Middleton a secret agent and “I’m getting involved with the square shapes” is a message to his handlers to rescue him?
To be continued . . .
THE TIMES
How posture can improve your mood
Although improving a slouch may not cure a sore back, studies show it will affect your health.
Another feather in Kate’s cap
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge retrace the steps of Diana on their visit to the remote region of Chitral in northern Pakistan.