Star Paws, Episode VII: The (Border) Force Awakens

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (the Gold Coast), Amber Heard and Johnny Depp vanished ... and Barnaby Joyce declared war.

Alice WorkmanTHE SKETCH

2 min read

7:44PMOctober 21, 2020.

Updated 7:36AMOctober 22, 2020

Johnny Depp and his former wife Amber Heard arriving at a court in the Gold Coast in 2015. Picture: AFP

Coming soon to a cinema near you … Star Paws, Episode VII – Border Force Awakens!

A long time ago (July 2020) in a galaxy far, far away (the Gold Coast) …

Amber Heard has vanished. After evidence was presented in the UK High Court that the actor gave false evidence about her dogs’ illegal entry to Australia, Barnaby Joyce has risen from the ashes and will not rest until Pistol and Boo, the last Yorkshire terriers, have been destroyed.

Pistol and Boo.

With the support of the commonwealth (not republic), the Australian Federal Police led a brave resistance across the globe. They are desperate to find Johnny Depp’s former estate manager Kevin Murphy and gain his help in restoring peace and justice to biosecurity.

Pan across the Canberra Bubble™ to a bright moon. Sorry, that’s no moon … it’s the fluorescent lights hanging down from the committee room at budget estimates. “There was a question this morning in relation to Amber Heard,” Peta Lane (the first assistant secretary of the Department of Agriculture’s compliance division) informed the Galactic Senate. “I can confirm the department is investigating that matter.”

Pistol and Boo strike again... The Department of Agriculture and AFP are investigating if Johnny Depp's ex-wife gave false evidence, when under investigation for bringing their terriers to Australia, without quarantining. #AgEstimates pic.twitter.com/SidUiCG94Q
— Kath Sullivan (@KathSully) October 21, 2020

To quickly recap Episodes I through VI: Pistol and Boo flew to Australia via private jet on April 21, 2015. Upon arrival, Heard failed to declare the dogs on her incoming passenger card. Like so many celebrities, vanity was their ultimate downfall. A photo of the pooches was posted on the Facebook page of Happy Dogz, a Gold Coast grooming salon. Joyce gave them 50 hours to “bugger off” or threatened “to euthanise them”. On May 15, they finally flew back to the US.

Media camped outside Johnny Depps GC mansion waiting for his dogs to be destroyed or deported. @abcgoldcoast pic.twitter.com/h6xn93rgVJ
— Tom Forbes (@tomforbesGC) May 14, 2015

Depp labelled Joyce a “sweaty, big-gutted man”, saying he looked “inbred with a tomato”.

Joyce retaliated by winning the Froggatt Award from the Invasive Species Council for the hardline approach he took to Australian biosecurity, saying: “I’m pulling little strings and little levers. Long after I’ve forgotten about Mr Depp, he’s remembering me. I think I’m turning into Johnny Depp’s Hannibal Lecter.”

In April 2016, the couple faced the Southport Magistrates Court. As the Courier Mail noted: “It is the biggest celebrity court case to be heard in the Gold Coast court precinct since Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl was busted for drink-driving on a moped 16 years ago”.

Heard avoided conviction and was handed a $1000 fine (with one-month good behaviour bond) after she pleaded guilty to giving Customs a false document. The pair was also forced to film a hostage video, sorry apology video.

Forget Star Wars … Quentin Tarantino should make a movie about this epic tale of the Hollywood couple (who later divorced), a bloodthirsty politician (who also later divorced … and was dumped as deputy prime minister … and exposed as a secret Kiwi), and two Yorkshire terriers. It would be called Au Revoir Dogs, obviously. Or Pup Fiction.

Back to October 21, 2020.

Lane said the department was considering whether to charge Heard with perjury as “giving false testimony is an offence under the Crimes Act” with a maximum penalty of 14 years’ jail. The timeline of any possible prosecution is “difficult to predict (given) the persons of interest are overseas”.

And star witness Murphy? “I think we have made attempts to contact Mr Murphy but I’m not sure if we have made contact … we are liaising with the AFP who are using contacts overseas to obtain information on our behalf.”

As usual, Joyce had the last laugh. “Is the defence for perjury that you have got to be able to act? What is the point of having laws if they are not pursued?”