Breaking hound news! Amber Heard could face charges over Pistol and Boo fiasco

Amber Heard may be charged after Johnny Depp’s former employee claimed he was forced to lie under oath about her dogs’ illegal entry.

Amber Heard arrives at court in London this week. Picture: AFP

Breaking hound news! The Australian government is considering whether to charge Amber Heard with perjury over the Pistol & Boo palaver, after Johnny Depp’s former employee claimed he was forced to lie under oath about the dogs’ illegal entry into Queensland.

Pistol and Boo leaving Australia in 2015.

“The Department of Agriculture, Water and the Environment is aware of recent media reports concerning the prosecution of Ms Amber Heard in Australia in 2016 and is consulting with the CDPP (Commonwealth Department of Public Prosecution) on this issue,” a spokesperson told Strewth. After a bit of sniffing around, senior sources informed us an investigation was potentially on the cards. The maximum penalty for perjury in Queensland? Fourteen years in jail.

Happy Dog salon's Lianne and Ellie Kent with Pistol (left) and Boo who came in for some grooming. Picture: Lianne Kent

Mutt ado about nothing

How did this happen? If you haven’t been following the Pirates of the Caribbean star’s libel case against The Sun newspaper in the UK High Court, strap in. Depp’s former estate manager, Kevin Murphy, said in a witness statement that he told Heard “by email, telephone and in person that she could not take the dogs to Australia because the relevant paperwork and permits were not complete and the required 10-day quarantine arrangements had not been put in place”. Murphy continued: “Ms Heard later told the court in Australia that I had told her it was fine to bring the dogs into Australia. That is false and I never told her this.” Heard’s former assistant Kate James also told the court the actress “deliberately smuggled the dogs into Australia. As in several circumstances which I observed, it was as if she felt that she was above the law.” Heard avoided conviction in April 2016 after she pleaded guilty to giving Customs a false document. But the former couple’s real punishment was the hostage video, sorry, biosecurity apology they were forced to film. Never forget that “Australia is a wonderful island”.

American Schnauzer

“Is the defence for perjury that you have got to be able to act?” Pistol and Boo’s No 1 nemesis Barnaby Joyce said, backing the perjury investigation. “What is the point of having laws if they are not pursued?” The Nationals backbencher infamously gave the furry fiends 50 hours to “bugger off” or they would be euthanised. Depp later retaliated by saying Joyce looked “inbred with a tomato”. To which Joyce replied: “I’m pulling little strings and pulling little levers. Long after I’ve forgotten about Mr Depp, he’s remembering me. I think I’m turning into Johnny Depp’s Hannibal Lecter.” What’s the end game here — another shot at his dream side gig of public executioner?

Pup Fiction

We hope Quentin Tarantino makes a movie about this epic tale of the Hollywood couple (who later divorced), a bloodthirsty politician (who also later divorced … and was dumped as deputy prime minister … and exposed as a secret Kiwi), and two Yorkshire terriers. It would be called Au Revoir Dogs, obviously.

Did she doo-doo it?

A lowlight of the celebrity case has been the mystery poo in the bed (not to be confused with Australia’s many mystery poo joggers), which Depp blamed on “Amanda Turd”. But Heard says she didn’t doo-doo it. For the latest, we cross to Nine News’s London correspondent Sophie Walsh: “Heard tells the court she didn’t poo in the bed, it was Johnny Depp’s dog Boo which she says had trouble with her bowel after eating Depp’s bag of cannabis as a puppy.” That’s one tall tail we wish we could fur-get.

Deppendable?

Mastiff & Commander

First there was David Cameron and #PigGate (not safe for work, Google it in your own time). Now a pawsitively peculiar 2005 column by British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has resurfaced. In defence of game shooting, BoJo wrote that he “loved” hunting with dogs, in part because of the “semi-sexual relation with the horse” and the “military-style pleasure” of moving as a unit. Johnson has a lot in common with fair mane-dens: both are purebreds that love a stable economy. You know what they say — maybe she’s barn with it, maybe it’s neighbelline.

BoJo with dog Dilyn.

The Bone Collector

It’s nowhere near as brief as the one-word press release Anthony Albanese put out in happy response to news that Sydney airport boss Max Moore-Wilton was retiring (“Good”), but leader of the Victorian Reason Party (formerly the Sex Party) Fiona Patten gave it a crack: “Today in Victoria there were 484 new cases of COVID-19. That’s way too high. Please. Stay the f..k at Home.” A contender for Strewth’s Mal Meninga museum of political brevity.

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