A political drama but script’s been scrubbed of answers to medivac ‘deal or no deal’

Political life proves a headache as the medivac pressure builds for Senator Jacqui Lambie. Picture: AAP

“Is it OK if I say there’s no deal?” Mathias Cormann asked Jacqui Lambie.

The Finance Minister had sauntered over to the Tasmanian senator minutes before they were both due to address the Senate about the art of the (non) deal to repeal the medivac laws.

Sitting one seat over was Greens leader Richard Di Natale, who witnessed the entire ­exchange.

“I didn’t hear what Jacqui Lambie said,” Di Natale recalled later. “He walked back and said ‘There is no secret deal’ and then Jacqui Lambie said what she said.”

The Greens leader said he’d never seen anything like it. “We were all shaking our heads and we couldn’t believe it … I mean, someone is telling a bald-face lie … literally no one knows! It’s all smoke and mirrors, who knows what’s been negotiated.”

Penny Wong went full Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, calling it “the deal that dare not speak its name”.

Mathias Cormann and Senator Lambie have a chat. Picture: AAP

If we can’t call it a deal, what should we call it? A cloak-and-dagger contract? Esoteric entente? Camouflaged compromise? Hush-hush understanding? Private protocol? Whispered treaty? Mum pact? Stealth arrangement? Shrouded settlement? Clandestine negotiation? Remote transaction? Private engagement?

Lambie literally had her hand on her heart as she listened to ­Cormann emphatically declare “there is no deal”.

And Pauline Hanson literally gave Sarah Hanson-Young (no ­relation) a talk to the hand after the Greens senator leaned in to comment that it didn’t take long for One Nation members to become government lackies again.

Her offsider, Malcolm Roberts, received a more pleasant hand gesture, a thumbs-up from Cormann during their brief tete-a-tete.

“This Kerryn Phelps bill is ridiculous and does not address the problem,” Hanson declared. “We know that (the injuries) are self-­inflicted — like palm oil into their bloody penises.”

As the government refused to table the off-the-record agreement, Kristina Keneally claimed the Liberal and National “lemmings” on the backbench had “no idea what they’re voting on or what they’re voting for”.

Senators Cormann and Lambie after their chat. Picture: AAP

“That happens every day,” one Coalition senator replied.

As the rhetoric intensified, Tasmanian assistant minister Jonathon Duniam — known as the Hugh Grant of the Senate — took a turn by Lambie’s side, trying to lighten the mood with some chat about Burnie.

After another word from Social Services Minister Anne Ruston, Lambie walked over to her advisers at the back of the chamber. One began fiercely crossing out lines in a copy of her speech.

What would she call the arcane agreement they had reached? Lambie didn’t use the word “deal”, instead saying it was a “hard decision” with “conditions” based on a “proposal” she put to the government and “since then we have worked together really hard to ­advance that proposal”.

Was not disclosing the deal part of the deal? According to Scott “semantics” Morrison: “It means that she is happy with the government’s policies and the bill that was presented to the Senate and she voted for it.”

Sarah Hanson-Young gets a ‘talk to the hand’ from Pauline Hanson. Picture: Kym Smith

Like the Donald himself, he ducked and weaved. Question: “Prime Minister, was there any undertaking to Jackie Lambie, be it written, verbal, handshake, in order to get her vote to repeal the medivac laws?”

PM: “The only undertaking we’ve given is to implement our policies, that is it.”

Question: “Jacqui Lambie says there was a condition that she gave to you in order to get her vote to ­repeal the medivac laws. What is the condition?”

PM: “I’m not sure what you are referring to. I have her statements that are in front of me and I don’t read that in her statement at all.”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison gets a win. Picture: AAP

With a tear in her eye, Lambie said: “I’m not being coy or silly when I say I genuinely can’t say what I proposed. Every journalist asked me to discuss it because they assume that everyone who refers to national security to keep something secret is a lying, cynical bum, and they’re probably right most of the time.” As the vote drew near, the sun shone through the Senate roof on to Lambie’s face. But she left the chamber alone, with no celebration of the deal or no deal.