“We tend to take ourselves for granted, but pandemics require a rethink”

Flesh and bone: we are biological machines. Picture: Istock

We tend to take ourselves for granted, but pandemics require a rethink. Suddenly our plumbing becomes problematic, requiring endless tests and puncture marks. In my case I’m way out of warranty and spare parts are no longer available. My regular maintenance requires quite a few batteries – one whopper implanted to keep a pacemaker ticking over, and some little rechargeables for hearing aids. Among other prosthetics: two artificial hips and a few pairs of specs. Over the years various organs have been surgically removed and their functions replaced by pills. My continued existence is a credit to a score of medical professionals.

But let’s talk about you. You are approximately 99 per cent comprised of six elements: hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen, carbon, calcium and phosphorus. Let’s start with the ears. Two oddly shaped orifices, one on each side, for the purposes of hearing, plus lobes for earrings. Other things come in twos, too – two eyes for looking, two cheeks for noshing and two nostrils for breathing, sneezing, sniffing and smelling. These are aligned within just one nose, also a prop for your sunnies.

But only one mouth. Talk about a busy day at the orifice. We make so many demands on the poor mouth. Leaving aside the unsanitary business of kissing, the mouth is for eating, drinking, burping, sucking, spitting and regurgitating. And vocalising! Talking is the predominant noise, punctuated by some yelling and occasional bursts of song. The mouth also produces saliva and contains a tongue and tastebuds – plus teeth for mastication and dental cavities. I think that’s got it covered. Oh, I forgot that ears, too, are useful for keeping your specs in place.

This being a family magazine, I’m reluctant to go below the waist, but it has to be admitted that what the mouth ingests, some nine metres of digestive tract processes for nutrition, ending in the deep south of the bowels, which we can take as read. Ditto the naughty bits – the silly-looking male genitalia and the more discreet female counterpart. We’ll skip all this as it involves sex, which, in the absence of birth control rightly frowned upon by the Vatican, leads to babies. But I suppose we must admit to the existence of breasts, primarily designed for lactation rather than lust.

I think that God (or evolution – that depends on you) made a serious mistake with sex, the source of some brief amusement but enormous trouble. I would have opted for the approach of sexless, single-cellular reproduction. The amoeba has much to teach us, including a form of celibacy (cellibacy?) that would have saved us so much unnecessary stress.

Have I left out anything? Sensory perceptions? Perhaps some details on lungs, liver, kidneys, veins, arteries, glands, muscles, spleens, spinal cords, and thyroids. We’re quite complicated, really. Perhaps overcomplicated – which leads to things going wrong. And I forgot skin, our version of leather upholstery. What about hair? Not enough of it to keep you warm, and in such unlikely places and tufts. Requires a lot of combing and cutting and clipping and shaving. Never quite seeing the point of hair, I welcomed the early onset of baldness. So forget follicles. And teeth are overrated. Instead of having a gobful of different ones we’d be better off with two ceramic arcs. Fewer nooks and crannies for decay.

Feet, toes, hands, fingers, thumbs, knees, elbows? Well, those are not particularly interesting – but they’re somewhat useful. Good morning.