Want to flatten some nature? This is the car for you

I can report, however, that this Warrior – a muscled up, Mad Maximumed version of Nissan’s Patrol – is so clever, and tough, that it could turn even a city slick soft hander like me into an off-roading titan.

The Nissan Patrol Warrior. Picture: Supplied

It’s fortunate that I am so good at keeping my opinions to myself, because there were times, bashing through the bushier parts of Tasmania at the launch of the new and violently capable Nissan Patrol Warrior, where I had to fight the urge to scream “What in the giant truck are we doing here?”

During the briefing, for example, before we hit a gnarly off-roading section, we were told not to stray from the track (they called it a track, but it looked more like a collection of WWI trenches, latrines and boulders) because “a lot of the flora here is very precious, and it can take 1000 years to grow back”.

At this point I did not scream “So why are we trucking here at all?” But I did let out a low groan of horror when I was told that we were about to take two hours to traverse just 4km.

Noting my disturbance, a man who looked like he really enjoyed the company of pocket knives told me I was lucky we weren’t tackling a nearby route, “that one takes you two days to go 7km, you have to stop and camp overnight!”

No, what you have to do is realise that you’re wasting your life and walk home.

I can report, however, that this Warrior – a muscled up, Mad Maximumed version of Nissan’s Patrol, pimped out by a company called Premcar, which used to make a living turning Ford Falcons into ferocious FPVs – is so clever, and tough, that it could turn even a city slick soft hander like me into an off-roading titan.

The Nissan Patrol Warrior turned a city slick soft hander like me into an off-roading titan. Picture: Supplied

I watched, mystified, as my colleagues became aroused at the site of a Warrior in front of me as it wobbled onto its nose before throwing one of its rear wheels into the air, looking like a dog cocking its leg. This inspired them to take many photos and guffaw in awe.

During my ordeal, both sides of my Patrol were attacked by some hopefully less-precious flora, to the point where it looked like I’d driven the big beast through Freddy Krueger’s Car Wash. Normally, scratching all the paint off a new car gets you in trouble; here it won me knowing grunts of approval.

Fortunately, after what felt like a very long time, I was allowed to leave these sad men behind and take my Warrior away for a few days exploring Tasmania, the land that time forgot (specifically, any time after 8pm, when the whole place is shut).

Most of what you’re paying $16,000 extra over a base-model Nissan Patrol for – aside from the very eye-catching red bash plate on its under-chin – when you buy the Warrior version at $101,160 are things that make it more rugged, like different wheels with all-terrain tyres and an increased ride height (up 50mm overall). The suspension has also been toyed with to make the Warrior more goat-like off-road, but some clever fettling is also meant to make it handle better on actual roads, where I prefer to drive things.

There’s also a new and very enjoyable bi-modal exhaust system that means this Patrol behaves like a normal one, quietly burbling its V8 noises out the rear pipe, if you drive it gently, but if you plant your foot the side-exit pipes come into play and make fabulous noises; like a Nascar racer in a hurry to buy the last bottle of Jack Daniels.

The Nissan Patrol Warrior. Picture: Supplied

On the road, the steering is a little light, and the seven-speed gearbox (which Premcar weren’t allowed to play with) a touch too sleepy, but you can wake it up by choosing to shift cogs manually, which also allows you to make more fabulous V8 snorts.

Sitting as high as it does off the ground, and weighing in at 2.8 tonnes, the Warrior is obviously no sports car, which is a shame when you’re in Tasmania, a place that not only features very little traffic but some of the loveliest winding roads in the world.

Driving a gigantic SUV here is like using a garden rake to comb your hair, but my daughter did seem to enjoy sliding around the back seat while giggling. And once you adapt your driving style to the tool you’ve been given, there’s still fun to be had in this Nissan, much of it from the torquiness of its old-school 5.6-litre engine.

The one big failing is that Premcar has done its work on a Patrol that is getting quite long in the tooth, so much so that it has something called a “CD player” in the dash, and does not offer mod-cons like Apple CarPlay.

If I was the sort of person who hated my whole family and wanted to make them sit in relative comfort but absolute boredom while I smashed some precious fauna flat and cocked my car’s rear leg over some rocks, this is definitely the vehicle I would go for, mainly because I am cheap, and a $101,160 price tag for this much machine, and its heavy-duty abilities, is a relative bargain.

As for how unlikely it is that I will ever become that kind of person, I will keep my thoughts to myself.