There’s nothing like a Dane, eh, Mr Trump?

Trumpy is right. Of course, the land of the free should take back the Panama Canal, Canada (which was really part of the US till the soap dodgers flooded it with their even more unwashed) and Greenland (anthem: The Land of Great Length) which the septics have been trying to buy since 1867 with their last offer being just after the second big one.

Given they had been protecting the island during the war (the Second World War not the 50-year Denmark vs. Canada war which, as you know, only ended two years ago) I would have thought the Danes would have snapped up $140m or half the price of the 1955 Mercedes 300 SLR Uhlenhaut coupe, the Merc museum sold to mark the end of the Denmark vs. Canada hostilities.

Then again, the Danes may have been a bit cranky because they had just found out that the Yanks had tried to build a nuclear base in the mountains without telling them. Who knows what’s going on at Pine Gap or even the Blue Mountains where my spies tell me they often hear American accents?

Of course, Australia has its own claim to The Land of Great Length given the island is ruled by Prince Fred X and Queen Mary of Battery Point, Tasmania. Given it’s an election year, my guess is Prime Minister Albo, 61, of Camperdown, NSW, but latterly of ­Disneyland for adults in the ACT, won’t put in a bid.

Back to Tasmania in a minute. Trumpy has every right to claim the Panama Canal for Septic Land given they were the ones who built it. Look, this was a project that took longer to build the Australia’s very fast train or the very slow Melbourne to Tulla tram. Well, that’s not true. The canal took 380 years so choo fudging choo. King Chuck of Spain called for the first RFP, then the Frogs had some very unsuccessful goes at it. No wonder we wouldn’t let them build our subs.

Ferd de Lesseps (who many of you would know from his Suez Canal job) had a fair go at it but he faced a few construction issues. For instance, in the Gulf of Panama where the canal work started, the river became a raging torrent, jumping up 10m, then there were the venomous snakes, killer insects and spiders, not to mention the yellow fever, malaria and even worse diseases, which killed 22,000 workers.

Anyway, Ferd de Lesseps went belly up and Gustave (Mr Eiffel) nearly went to jail and Ted Roosevelt paid $15m for it and Woody Wilson opened it.

Apart from filling in space till the car companies and F1 get going again, all this suggests Albo should offer to buy the Greenland off the Australian coast, Tasmania (particularly now that Targa Tasmania is back on and the Denison Canal is Tassie’s version of the Panama) and formalise our relationship with Australia’s most southernmost state, particularly now Quinny’s Highlands Motorsport Park is offering a track laps breakfast with a V8 Ford Mustang and pancakes with mixed berry compote, vanilla creme fraiche and freeze dried raspberries for $49 New Zealand or $1.50 Australian. How good is this? Four laps at high speed with a bellyful of compote and creme fraiche. Let’s see what comes up.

Moving to real cars news.

Sucks to be the worker at the Kia Autoland Gwangmyeong (try saying that after a few laps of Quinny’s with a bellyful of breakfast) assembly plant who forgot to put in the seat bolts for the second and third rows in the 2024-2025 Kia EV9 electric SUVs. The good folks at Kia describe the EV9 as a “seven-seat statement, our most advanced Kia yet which invites you to the next stage in space, connectivity, comfort and sophistication”. A steal at a $100k.

The US NHTSA describes the EV9 as a car “with missing seat mounting bolts that may not properly restrain an occupant during certain collisions, thereby increasing the risk of injury (or death or worse)”. Kia’s Australian comms person says: “We are working with the factory to understand if Australian delivered vehicles are affected.” In the meantime, if you do own an EV9 can I recommend you pop down to Bunnings and buy a Craftright 4 Piece ½” Drive Torque Wrench Set for about $60 and a six pack of Pinnacle M8 x 20mm Stainless Steel Hex Head Bolts And Nuts for under $10?

The 1965 Alfa Romeo Giulia TZ.

And our mates at Stellantis sold over 78,000 dead cars in 2024. Mostly they were discontinued Dodges but quite a few were Jeeps (of course).

Dave Gooding’s auction house has announced it will sell the Ken Roath Collection at Amelia Island Auction in March. Roath, who is said to be related to Australia’s Ken Oath, started HCP, the largest healthcare real estate investment trust in the US. Ken loved Fezzers and other expensive cars so there’s an exceptional Fezzer 250 Europa GT and beautifully maintained Alfa Romeo Giulia TZ with extensive period Italian race history.

And in real racing there are four Australians in the Dakar Rally which is running, as we speak and read, around 8000km of sand hills in Saudi Arabia. The bike, car and truck rally ends next weekend in Shubaytah, the gateway to the vast desert of the Rub’ al Khali or Empty Quarter (a desert encompassing most of the southern third of the Arabian Peninsula). Three temporary Australians and a convert who has seen the light are competing this year together with two brothers in a Nissan Terrano.

Beekeeper Dan Chucky Sanders is killing the sand on his KTM bike. Toby Heferics is on another KTM, and Albury’s Andrew Houlihan will be there at the finish. Meanwhile, the world champ of temporary Australians Toby Price has seen the light and switched his bike for a Toyota HiLux Overdrive. Brothers Pete and firefighter Chris Schey are doing us proud in the classic section.

A more down-to-earth reader than we have has asked Alex Robbins from the soap dodger Telegraph, “Which car will give my very tall son added sex appeal?”. Twenty Australian readers, including my eldest son, ignore Al’s suggestion of a Toyota GT86. If you need serious help then buy the lad a Jaguar V12 E type convertible, a Riptide Blue Chev Corvette V8 Stingray, a black or red 1959 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz Convertible or a black Holden SSV8 Ute. Hullo girls and others!

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