The Shitbox Rally finally arrives in Darwin, having raised $1.5m for cancer research

THE Shitbox Rally has limped into Darwin after 4250 gruelling kilometres, and raising $1.5m for cancer research.

LAST night what remains of the 250 Shitbox cars that left Perth last Saturday struggled into Australia’s northernmost capital, Darwin, after 4250km of red sand, red snakes and red skin.

Of course, you’d know all this in fine detail because you have been following the lack of progress of the official Weekend Australian Motoring Team in the 2014 Shitbox Rally on this site.

The 500 entrants have faced up to the extreme challenges that only the physically and emotionally devastating conditions in the heart of Australia can throw up. We have taken on extreme challenges, such as the Meekatharra Skimpies, the Where’s Wally dress-up theme party in Broome and relaxing by the crocodile-infested Fitzroy River.

Look, I know there are people who have done it tougher than us. Explorers Burke and Wills who first tried to cross Australia come to mind. But did they have to sleep in a swag? No, they had tents, assistants and imported camels. They weren’t camping. They were glamping. Did they have dropouts on their sat phones while trying to short Rio Tinto stock while hundreds of fools dressed in red and white did their best to be a Wally? Did their pinot grigio go slightly off in the back of a 10-year-old Ford ute being driven along corrugated roads in 45C heat?

Readers, you know the truth. We gave our all, put our bodies on the line, never took a backward step, looked the enemy in the eye and never flinched to raise more than $1.5 million for the Cancer Council.

But before co-driver Simon Ford and I bid you a fond and dusty farewell, a quick report on the final two days.

BROOME ARRIVAL: Ready for a shower

Day six was spent driving from Mt Barnett Roadhouse to Victoria River Roadhouse — a total distance of 768km, 350 of which were off-road. It included a crossing of the Pentecost River, which is 60m wide and can wash cars away at this time of year, when it’s flowing strongly. It is also known to occasionally harbour crocs.

We arrived at the Victoria River Roadhouse at 2.15am, and had the mandatory red wine refreshers before slipping into the swags for a good three hours sleep.

Breakfast on the last day was the usual vegetarian one: two sausages, four bacon rashers, a small hamburger patty, two bread rolls, one slice of tomato and two cups of Nescafe Blend 43 with two sugars and a slop of milk. Ben and Dan Wallace’s SAAB convertible was officially declared dead.

MARBLE BAR: Nice day for a dusty wedding

The team was restricted to a speed of 50-70km/h for the final 686km leg to Darwin. We encountered two flat tyres, a 4m snake lying on the road, a flat battery and three code yellows.

We knew we had returned to civilisation when we saw a Macca’s sign and our first set of traffic lights in seven days.

Of course the team that started together never finished together. Simon and I made the mistake of following the normally responsible Team Facebox who, less than a kilometre from the hotel finish, got us lost.

The Weekend Australian Ford ute crossed the line dead last at 7.16pm. We had sparkling mineral water to celebrate. At the presentation we found out that mighty Team 16 had taken out the major share of prizes. Jo Millar and Deb More, the two Bangalow Honeybees, got best fundraisers ($25,000), Two Girls One is Mad got the best repair (the running gear transplant), performed by Professor Michael Cole, who won Spirit of the Rally.

Unfortunately, readers, next year Team Weekend Australian Motoring will be back! We’re Shitboxing from Canberra to Townsville via the Birdsville Track.