Range Rover’s Velar SE D200:who could resist all that tech?

But the tech-packed Range Rover Velar completely won me over anyway.

Nerd heaven: the Range Rover Velar SE D200

I may well have a particular talent for self-delusion, but I don’t think I’m alone in resisting the idea of publicly owning up to being a nerd. I think my wife has also been trying to either deny it or furiously ignore it for years, but the evidence is as overwhelming as it is embarrassing.

Yes, there’s the Star Wars thing, although I’m not exactly Han Solo there when it comes to boys of my vintage. Sadly, it’s the deep and unnecessary love of gormless gadgets that recently led my wife to suggest that I should leave her and find a woman more in line with my own fetishistic futurism.

The Velar from the front

Ensconced in my Alexa-equipped Range Rover Velar, hiding from her wrath, I had to admit she had a point, as I sat there repeatedly using Amazon’s chirpy voice assistant to turn our front porch light on and off remotely. I really can’t explain why it makes me so happy to play with something like that (I even giggled like a toddler the first few times), but for some reason I’m blown away by even the most mundane of technologies.

The experience of having our home futurised so that it could talk to the vulpine Velar did allow me to answer the question, how many men does it take to change a smart lightbulb? The answer is at least four: two of them at different call centres and two of them at my house, hands on hips and shaking their heads a lot.

The original plan was to install at least 20 smart lights so that I would be able to drive down my street, trill “Alexa, I’m home!” and return to find the house bathed in the warm (or icy, or yellow) light of technology.

From above

Frankly, it was probably a good thing they only managed to get one porch light working because I foolishly thought it would be more amusing, and less stressful, to have this – plus an Alexa-equipped video doorbell, and various smart screens and speakers – installed on the day my wife returned to the office for the first time. The trouble is, she didn’t end up going in. As a result, it was so icy inside our house that the installation techs had to go and buy ski jackets, because my dearly beloved believes that technology is pernicious and sneaky and told me at great volume – perhaps to make sure Alexa would hear – that all of our conversations would now be recorded and could be used against us in a court of law. Presumably a divorce court.

The children were more chuffed with their new devices, until they discovered that I could make booming announcements in their rooms while I was out driving, asking Alexa to project my voice declaring that if they didn’t do their homework I would strike down upon them with great vengeance and fury.

As for the car, I must admit all this connectivity made it feel very modern, despite the fact that the Velar has actually been around since 2017. Hailed at the time as a rare beauty in a world of hulking SUVs, it has sleek lines I have always loved, although I accept that it does look a bit like a full-sized Range Rover that a giant has treated like an accordion.

It is yet another thing that my partner and I disagree on. She hates even sitting in the Velar, let alone driving it, and says that its tiny glasshouse and huge A-pillars make it feel like you’re looking out of a letterbox. Still, it’s a lovely-feeling letterbox, stuffed with classy materials, and one that rides beautifully.

From the back

I’ll admit that the Velar is a very large example of style over substance, but I’ve always been about as won over by it as I can be by any SUV (despite the fact that in this case I felt like the engine – a mere 2.0-litre turbo diesel – made some strikingly discordant noises for such a chic vehicle).

Frankly, it’s hard to get your head around a mere four-cylinder unit, with 150kW and 430Nm, being responsible for moving this much metal. It’s like watching someone very fashionably dressed being forced to go for a run, and it’s about as quick, with a 0 to 100km/h time of 8.2 seconds.

I suspect the impressive Meridian sound system, with its 19 speakers dotted around the cabin, might be more powerful than the engine, but there are, of course, sexier six-cylinder variants available if you want your go to match your show, and this SE D200 version starts at $100,248, which isn’t much for something this attractive.

And it does come with Alexa (as do all vehicles from Jaguar Land Rover these days, apparently), which I can’t recommend highly enough. Particularly if you’re a nerd.

Range Rover Velar SE D200

ENGINE: 2.0-litre turbocharged four-cylinder diesel (150kW/430Nm). Average fuel 5.4 litres per 100km

TRANSMISSION: Eight-speed automatic, all-wheel drive

PRICE: $100,248

STARS: 3.5 out of 5