Mercedes-AMG GLE 53 4MATIC+: Finally, an SUV I actually like

SUVs are, to the world of cars, what a petrol station pie is to the world of cuisine. So I really wasn’t expecting to enjoy my week in the Mercedes GLE...

Mercedes-AMG GLE 53 4MATIC+

The Audi Q5. The BMW X3. The Lexus UX. The Porsche Cayenne. I pretty much loathe them all. They’re just saloons in platform shoes, pointlessly tall, pointlessly heavy and, as often as not, equipped with pointless off-road abilities that will never be used. They are, to the world of cars, what a petrol station pie is to the world of cuisine.

So I really wasn’t expecting to enjoy my week in the Mercedes GLE. Especially as it arrived with AMG badging. Because here is a massive seven-seater that is trying to be something it cannot be: sporty. You can put go-faster stripes on a wellington boot but it will still be a wellington boot.

There’s more, I’m afraid. Instead of a conventional dashboard you get what airline pilots call a “glass cockpit”. I know why Mercedes has gone down this route: money. Because if you take a normal dash apart, there are thousands of pieces: needles, springs, dials, slider controls, knobs, tiny little screws, hundreds of washers and a million miles of wiring. With glass all that’s gone, and that’s a big saving.

There are two big screens, with a menu of options longer than the breakfast choices in an American diner. I found one set-up that made no sense at all – it was like staring into the warp core of the Starship Enterprise. And that’s before I started playing with the colour of the interior lighting.

I generally hate all this sort of technology, because I don’t trust it. And I have a similar view about gear levers: I reckon they should stick out of the centre console and not, as you find on the Mercedes, be operated by a stalk on the steering column. Because that suggests the gears are being controlled not mechanically but by electricity. And as anyone with a wi-fi router knows, electricity cannot be trusted. Certainly, if the wi-fi in my cottage were put in charge of the gearbox in my car, it would wait for me to pull on to the M40 then, without warning, select reverse.

Anyway, I’m sorry if I sound prejudiced about this Mercedes, because, actually, its glass screen system works very well. Once I’d selected green interior lighting and found an option that let me have a rev counter and a proper speedo, it was great. And so is the car.

You might imagine that, because it’s called a 53 4Matic+, it has a 5.3-litre engine. In fact you get a turbocharged and super-smooth 3-litre, in-line straight six that dispatches 320kW through a nine-speed gearbox to all four wheels. This is a fast car, and not just in a straight line. Perhaps because it’s lighter than you might expect (2.3 tonnes) you can actually hustle it. My only complaint – apart from the fact it would be better still if it weren’t so tall – is that on a motorway the big quad exhaust system never really stops shouting.

That aside, it’s a relaxing place to be. The seats are big and comfy, the ride is smooth, and I especially like the layout further back, where there’s lots of legroom. Right at the very back, in the boot, there are two diddy seats that can be lifted from the floor, and even when they’re raised you still get enough space for a dog, as long as it’s quite thin.

Halfway through the week, as it began to dawn on me that I was actually enjoying an SUV, I went to check on the price. And I was a bit startled to learn the version I drove costs about $170,000. Which is significantly cheaper than many Range Rovers.

I was midway through fermenting a thought that it was the better car when I had to use it for a spot of light farm work. And immediately the downside of that spirited on-road performance became clear. It’s too stiff, which means that on a track it’s too jiggly. Driving against the furrows in a field of stubble was like rollerskating over a corrugated iron roof. I’m surprised my eyes didn’t fall out.

I guess Mercedes would say it has the G-class for people who want to do estate management or shooting and that the GLE is more of a fancy school-run car, in the mould of a Volvo XC90. Which means you face a tough choice. Now, I don’t particularly like driving the Volvo, or being in it, or even looking at it, but my children were brought up in a selection of them because in the UK not a single person has died in one as a result of a collision with another car. And that, for many people, is a powerful argument that clinches the deal.

Mercedes-AMG GLE 53 4MATIC+
Engine: 3.0-litre six-cylinder turbo-petrol (320kW/520Nm)
Average fuel: 9.3L per 100km
Transmission: Nine-speed automatic all-wheel drive
Price: From $171,800
Rating: ★★★★