of a parody of itself, mickey mouse shows up to help. Literally.
The House of Mouse cartoon and fun park company has signed a partnership with F1 and
now fans can look forward to seeing Mickey and friends in the high-speed world of
Formula 1.
Guess which F1 characters will become the stars of Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo. Here’s
the cast list: FIA President Mohammed Ahmad Sultan Ben Sulayem as Goofy; Lewis Hamilton as Eeyore; Fred Alonso as Peter Pan; Alpine boss Flavio Briatore as Cruella de Vil and, of course, Aussie Oscar Piastri as Captain Jack Sparrow.
Now featuring: Goofy governance, fantasy gridlines
Last weekend’s slow-motion conga line at Monaco was F1’s version of Disney’s 2007
classic ‘Meet the Robinsons’ which ‘has one of the most emotionally powerful moments
in Disney history, plus there’s a dinosaur involved’. Plus, it’s the Mouse House’s worst
ever movie.
The FIA, in its infinite wisdom and ever-decreasing understanding of what racing is,
introduced a compulsory two pit stop rule in Monaco – the one track on earth where
overtaking is less likely than a successful Telstra customer service call.
Instead of strategy fireworks, we got:
• No overtaking.
• No tension.
• No drama.
• The first three on the starting grid finishing in the same position
• Just 78 laps of top-level gaming-the-system.
Mad Max called it “Mario Kart without bananas”. George Russell got so sick of it he
pulled off a deliberate shortcut, overtook illegally, and basically said, “Yeah, penalise
me, whatever.” Then he gained places. We call it The Slowest Show on Earth.
Strategy? more like stalling
Racing Bulls and Williams used classic F1 team strategy — block, slow, and back the
field up to gift your teammate a clean stop. Legal? Technically. Entertaining? If you like
watching molasses race through a straw.
At one point, Russell was behind Alex Albon who was behind Liam Lawson who was behind Isack Hadjar, all driving slower than a Queensland roadworks truck. Everyone knew what was
happening. No one could stop it. And we paid for this.
Carlos Sainz said it best: “We are manipulating the race.” Not in a fun Netflix way. In a
“what even is the point of this?” way.
That’s the kind of race we’re dealing with: one where it’s smarter to break the rules than
play the game. Russell’s final position? Better than if he’d behaved. That’s not racing,
it’s a poorly managed group project with $400 million cars.
Meanwhile, the FIA is also considering raising pit lane speed limits to encourage more
stops. Because what this race needed was 1,000hp missiles tearing through the narrowest
part of the circuit even faster.
Leaping Lando and the art of zen racing
Leaping Lando Norris was fast, composed, and patient. He didn’t get suckered into Verstappen’s slowdown games. He handled the Charles Leclerc pressure with Zen-like calm. And when Max finally pit, Lando set the fastest lap of the race. For the kids watching, that’s how a proper driver wins. But don’t be suckered in to thinking that Leaping Lando is now on a winning streak.
Monaco: A beautiful relic in a Netflix world
Let’s be honest. The Monaco Grand Prix isn’t a Grand Prix anymore. It’s a photo op. A
qualifying trophy. A champagne-soaked yacht party with a side of tyre changes.
So here are the options:
1. Embrace Monaco as a sprint/qualifying hybrid.
2. Redesign the circuit.
3. Add actual bananas.
4. Cancel it and move the party to Vegas.
5. Bring back refuelling and do a few jumps over the swimming pool.
Until then, this race will remain a beautiful, useless relic. Like a Ferrari 250 GTO on a
Woolies run.
Bottom line: Does F1 need Monaco anymore?
Today all your favourite characters are at the Formula 1 Gran Premio de España now
with less flexible front wings. McLaren could be the loser this weekend. Next year we
could have Lion King 3 with a Morocco race and maybe Imola and Clogland for the
chop.
Grid to greed: This week in speed and stocks
Remember I told you Stellantis (maker of Abarth, Alfa Romeo, Chrysler, Citroën, Dodge,
DS, Fiat, Jeep, Lancia, Maserati, Opel and more) was fudged. “No John you said. Stick to
picking losers in F1.” Well last year its market cap was $97bn. Right now it’s $20bn.
Good luck Antonio Filosa – new Chief Executive Officer.
Are Nissan shares a buy? The Japanese metal maker is looking to raise $10bn to stop
going belly up. UK Treasury’s Export Finance, which guarantees credit to help fund
exporters, is part of the restructuring. I’m not saying history repeats itself, but the
previous soap dodger government was going to give a similar package to Harland &
Wolff. Of course, H & W built the Titanic.
Is sausage racing the answer to F1’s woes?
Oscar Mayer entered all six of its Sausagemobiles into last weekend’s race at the
Indianapolis Motor Speedway. What a pun fest!
Take it away Samantha Horton from WFYI public radio: “The “Wienie 500” may not
have broken speed records, but it easily won the title of most delicious spectacle in racing
at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway’s Carb Day Friday afternoon. The iconic vehicles
mustard up some speed for two laps around the 2.5-mile track, reaching top speeds of
about 40mph. In the final stretch, Slaw Dog was able to make a final pass against Chi
Dog and took the checkered flag. Afterwards, the winners headed to the ‘Wiener’s Circle’
to receive a trophy to commemorate their win.”
“I was hauling buns out there, but Slaw Dog was able to catch up and came out top dog,”
said Kaitlyn Goldstein, Corn Dog Kait, Chi Dog driver. Let’s be frank, sausage racing is
where the apex meets the appetiser. Move over Monaco — this is a real banger.
jc@jcp.com.au
Budget F1 car to hit Aussie roads
Formula One outfit Alpine has announced it will soon be selling one of its flagship cars in Australia at a price that plenty of Aussie drivers will find very affordable.
Why you don’t want to buy an Aston Martin Vantage
When it comes to this much-loved and fawned over new Aston Martin Vantage, don’t believe the hype. Believe me instead.
Just when you thought Formula 1 and its governing body the FIA couldn’t become more