Gaslighting: how to read the danger signs

The various behaviours of narcissists are part of a complex web that form a personality disorder you can never prevail against.

An excellent article on Friday by my esteemed Home Truths opposite number, Ruth Ostrow, about gaslighters and the erosion of self sent me tumbling down the rabbit hole of a living nightmare I have tried hard to forget.

It’s not something I like to talk about much these days, and I struggled with whether I should even broach the subject here, but if even one person reads this and can save themselves the heartbreak and futility of trying to make a relationship with a narcissist work, it’s worthwhile. Gaslighting, as Ruth wrote, is “a covert form of ­manipulation, intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called ‘ambient abuse’, where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and, quite often, their sanity. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction and mixing of the facts, it attempts to destabilise the victim’s beliefs.”

It’s one of the classic traits of narcissistic personality disorder, something I was vaguely aware of but didn’t realise was the defining factor in a disastrous long-term relationship until it was far too late. The various behaviours I excused away, ignored, hid from family and friends and tried in vain to fix were in fact part of a complex interwoven web that form a personality disorder you can never prevail against.

My own case was textbook, almost to the letter, and I recount it here in general terms. If any of it has the ring of the horribly familiar then I suggest you read up on this further, and if you think it’s happening to you, get out while you can.

As Shahida Arabi, author of Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse, points out, relationships with a narcissist proceed in three phases: idealisation, devaluation and discard.

The idealisation phase is the early stages of dating or a relationship that is marked with “lovebombing”. Narcissists charm their way into your life, convincing you that you’ve met your soulmate. In fact, their only interest is in making you dependent on their constant praise and attention. Narcissists lack the usual sense of empathy and view you more as an object and possession to ensure a constant flow of “narcissistic supply”.

The devaluation phase is when the rubber meets the road and when you come down to earth with a crashing thud. Suddenly you are subject to an overwhelming array of psychological warfare all calculated to keep you on the defensive, off balance, doubting yourself, all to the ends of bolstering the narcissist’s impossibly hungry ego. It’s all about building themselves up by keeping you down, and the classic tactics include pathological lying and mental gymnastics (even when confronted with undeniable proof), the aforementioned gaslighting, triangulation, false accusations, constant contradictions, manipulation and blame-shifting, interspersed with brief returns to the lovebombing phase.

During this phase, the narcissist tends to isolate their victims, doing their best to cut you off from friends and family while at the same time insidiously insinuating themselves into those same networks. This often takes the form of triangulation, which involves going behind your back to friends or family members, often telling the most outrageous lies and character slurs against you, with a view to bolstering their own ego and building up a base to mount further attacks on you. It also takes the form of manufacturing love triangles and bringing in the opinions of others to validate their point of view.

The final phase, discard, is likely to be sudden and shocking. As Arabi describes it: “The narcissist abandons his or her victim in the most horrific, demeaning way possible to convince the victim that he or she is worthless. This could range from: leaving the victim for another lover, humiliating the victim in public, being physically aggressive and a whole range of other demeaning behaviours to communicate to the victim that he or she is no longer important.”

Her advice, and mine, to victims: “Pick up the pieces, go. No contact, heal, and move forward. You were not only a victim of narcissistic abuse, but a survivor. Owning this dual status as both victim and survivor permits you to own your agency after the abuse and to live the life you were meant to lead — one filled with self-care, self-love, respect, and compassion.”