Have I seen my last ruin? Eaten my last tapa in Basque Spain? Will it ever all happen again? I do seriously wonder
The iPad keeps taunting me with photos from this day two years ago: foreign travels, a brush with fame… and a $1352 steak. Will it ever all happen again? I do seriously wonder.
Those annoying pictures keep popping up on the iPad, tagged This day two years ago. Sent to taunt us. Remember that night in Lisbon when we drank four monstrous G&Ts each in the street waiting for a table at the restaurant with the octopus on the ceiling, and funny how I can’t remember the name of the place? Remember seeing a camel’s head hanging on a hook outside a butcher’s shop in Fez? Remember that terrible tourist trap restaurant in Paris where we took your dad and I had andouillette (a strange offal sausage) that smelled like urine? Happy days.
Last week, a picture re-emerged of the trip aboard a gulet that sailed from Fethiye, in Turkey, and even though I was kinda working, hosting a group on a “food and wine tour”, it was one of the best weeks ever. And then there’s that picture of me and my two wives (Trishie, my wife Kate’s bestie, is a regular travelling companion and we make a fine on-the-road trio – calling it a “threesome” doesn’t quite sound appropriate), lounging around in the sun with a scruffy coastal village in the background.
Have I seen my last ruin? Eaten my last tapa in Basque Spain? Will it ever all happen again? I do seriously wonder.
After the gulet trip we booked a seven-night stay at a fancy resort near Marmaris that sold itself as a kind of zen retreat where open-air phone usage was restricted and the food was great and the water activities abundant. On arrival, we discovered with some alarm that the place had also taken the fancy of English soccer star Rio Ferdinand and his fiancé Kate Wright for their wedding. It was September 27, 2019, Wright was the star of a huge reality television show called The Only Way Is Essex and half the county was there. Know wot I mean?
The rest of the guests at this fancy joint seemed to be rich Lebanese celebrating with fin de siècle abandon, and oligarchs using their phones like contestants on a reality home makeover show while they walked around at breakfast in the dining room (which had a separate, first-class cheese room, btw).
Anyway, I shouldn’t complain about the celebrity wedding, but of course we did, and got a few free nights because a non-stop doof-doof party hadn’t been on our holiday wish list. (To be fair, the happy couple seemed like nice folks, but some of their guests…)
Anyway, the resort had several restaurants, including a Nusr-Et steakhouse, the global brand of Turkish celebrity chef Nusret Gökçe, aka Salt Bae. For some reason, Bae wasn’t on the pans (or dramatically tossing salt – his signature move) the night we dined, which may explain why it was so forgettable. It doesn’t explain why it was so expensive, either, although the exchange rate was in our favour.
But nothing compares to his latest outpost in London, one of 18 around the world including New York and Miami. Bae – who styles himself as a “restaurant entertainer” and cooks while wearing sunglasses (and usually a dress shirt and black bow tie, too) – has outdone himself in the Old Dart, even by his own immodest standards. A receipt from Nusr-Et Knightsbridge went viral recently, sharing a few of Bae’s prices. Ironically, it was posted by The Only Way Is Essex celeb Gemma Collins, who was almost certainly at the wedding in Turkey and who I may have spoken to on the way to the lav, you never know.
How about $1352 including a “discretionary service charge” for the Golden Giant Tomahawk, a piece of Wagyu that’s probably 30 per cent bone by weight and covered in gold leaf? Is there anybody out there who thinks putting gold leaf on a giant steak is a good idea? Apparently so.
Or maybe the similarly laminated Nusr-Et Gold Burger at $210? The prawn tempura roll? About $64, sir. Want Coke with that? $18.40, each.
Sadly, the Collins party didn’t drink wine, so we can’t enlighten you on the oenological aspects of Bae’s diner, but we do know from another receipt circulating online that a glass of Italian sauvignon blanc that retails in London at $30 a bottle is $41. For a 125ml pour!
What sort of people go to restaurants like this? The sort of people who’ll wander around a dining room talking into their phones like contestants on a home makeover show, probably. And reality TV stars. Hope they’re taking lots of pics for the happy memories.
lethleanj@theaustralian.com.au
To see John cook a tomahawk steak (without gold leaf) on his new mini-egg barbecue, go to theaustralian.com.au
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