Eggnog to leave you agog

‘Tis the season to be miserable — at least if a certain school of holiday clickbait journalism, is to be believed.

To make a really good, sizeable batch of eggnog, you’ll need to get in a dozen eggs, sugar and good rum, bourbon and cognac.

‘Tis the season to be miserable — at least if a certain school of holiday clickbait journalism, generally propagated by health writers who’ve suddenly realised it’s Dec­ember and want to do something “topical”, is to be believed.

You know the sort of thing: ten Christmas treats that will kill you; a slice of ham is as dangerous as smoking five cigarettes while driving and texting with the windows up; you’re digging your own grave with that champagne flute.

This, friends, is not that sort of piece.

Instead, let’s have a chat about eggnog. Not the awful gluggy stuff sold in cartons in the dairy aisle. No, we’re talking about the real deal: boozy, rich, appallingly good, a cheerful one-fingered salute to the dietary pieties of the age.

And not just any eggnog either; the recipe that follows is adapted from the great and much-mourned Washington, DC, tavern Nathan’s, which once upon a time featured one of the best wine lists in town and at night pushed the tables to the side to become a nightclub. The proprietor, Howard Joynt, picked up the finer details from a White House bartender during the Reagan era and would make the stuff up by the barrel every Christmas for patrons and friends.

Thus, in the spirit of Paul Kelly’s cheerful Australian Christmas ditty How to Make Gravy, allow this column to present how to make eggnog.

To make a really good, sizeable batch, you’ll need to get in a dozen eggs, sugar and good rum, bourbon and cognac (decent stuff, but don’t use the XO here). Also, a couple of litres of milk, a litre again of cream (told you this was rich), some nutmeg, a bit of salt, vanilla and, if you really want to go all out, some premium vanilla ice cream.

A heavy-duty stand mixer, a whisk or three, and a number of bowls are helpful, as is a roll of Chux and some spray cleanser, because I defy anyone to make this and not have their kitchen wind up looking like a crime scene.

First off, combine 10 egg yolks and 2½ cups of sugar in your mixer, just to ribbon stage. Then toss in 1½ cups each of all three boozes (or adjust the proportions to your taste) and mix together.

Let those ingredients get settled together and, while they do, whip 10 egg whites to stiff peaks and, in yet another bowl, beat the cream to a medium thickness.

Fold the whites and the cream together, then add in the yolky alcohol mix, and stir the whole thing together for at least a minute, adding milk to get it to the desired consistency. Add a pinch of salt, a grating of nutmeg and the vanilla and let rest at least overnight in the fridge. Serve in a big bowl with scoops of the ice cream.

A look into the history of eggnog traces it back to medieval English monks, and popular accounts suggest it was regularly drunk on both sides of the Atlantic in the 18th century; like so many other good things developed before refrigeration, it was apparently invented as a way to preserve excess eggs and dairy. Indeed the stuff can be aged — though I defy anyone to let this recipe hang around very long — with some people saying it should be left to settle and develop flavours for as long as three weeks, and a few even keeping their eggnog around for a year.

All that sounds a bit odd, frankly, like the sort of thing people with really big beards discuss in internet chat rooms when they should be sleeping. It also smacks too much of deferred gratification when this is all about the pleasure hit. And a hit it is; this has been a tradition at our family’s Christmas table for years, particularly after it first received the blessing of my father-in-law who took one sip, went wide-eyed, and declared to the table, “I won’t be right to drive for a week!”