Walking on the water

TODAY'S dramatic events in the waters north of Australia, not far from Christmas Island, strengthen Malcolm Turnbull's criticism of Kevin Rudd's response to so-called "asylum seekers".

The current policy on this issue is an abject failure. Instead of sending these undesirables the sort of strong signal pioneered by Howard and perfected by Ruddock, Rudd is putting out the welcome mat to extremists.

Admittedly, the story that's making huge headlines differs a little from the usual "boat people" yarn and involves a rather different sort of people smuggler. In this case we're concerned with just one asylum seeker. One person travelling alone, rather than the usual boatload. Moreover, there's no actual boat. This queue jumper was walking to Australia. Walking on the water. Or had he thrown himself overboard? Either way, there he was in broad daylight! Smuggling himself!

The Australian naval vessel came upon this person strolling casually over the waves near Ashmore Reef. While denying racial profiling, a navy spokesman says: "He carried no papers but was clearly of Middle-Eastern appearance. Identifying himself as one 'Jesus Christ', he claimed to be fishing. ('I am a fisher of men,' he told our officials.) Checks with Interpol confirm he is a dangerous radical with close connections to a terrorist cell previously comprising 12 disciples. One Mr 'Judas' had betrayed his leader for a significant reward. He identified Mr Christ, believed to be in his early 30s, to the authorities."

Interpol confirms that in Palestine, Christ did not render unto Caesar the things that were Caesar's. He was charged with fomenting trouble against money-lenders and inviting those he described as "the meek" to "inherit the Earth". The local governor, Pontius Pilate, condemned him to death and, as is the local custom, he was crucified and his corpse placed in a nearby tomb. But somehow his crazed followers smuggled him from it, claiming he "rose from the dead". While this is nonsensical, it shows how extreme extremists can be. Like followers of bin Laden, radicals calling themselves "Christians" are ignoring their leader's death.

Physically, this Jesus differs little from your average Middle- Easterner trying to enter this country illegally. Wild-eyed, heavily bearded, he speaks a language unfamiliar to Australian officials, who have brought in a translator familiar with Aramaic - a bloke who worked on a Mel Gibson blockbuster.

Clearly, we don't want this sort of people in our country, bringing their subversive politics and bizarre religions. People may accuse Australians of racism and bigotry, of being opposed to people who aren't pale of skin and blue of eye. But that is not the case. We welcome immigrants who come here legally and who can fit in - not dangerous zealots who think they're God.

Though he'd walked on Indonesian waters before walking on ours, Jakarta has refused to have him sent back. The PM says Christ will be processed on Christmas Island before Christmas, "just like any other asylum seeker". Though there is a problem. He hasn't asked for asylum. He says he's come here to save us, not to be saved himself. He'll undergo a full "psych test" in the morning.

With our vast, unprotected coastline, it is difficult to prevent Middle-Eastern terrorists just walking across the waters to land anywhere they like, from Surfers to St Kilda. That's why Turnbull is right! We must be callous to asylum seekers. They might be meek - but they're not going to inherit our Earth.