One man’s refusal to accept rejection cost Lilie her life

Lilie James was well educated, had a good group of friends and held solid relationships. She was happy, healthy and kind. But she was not safe.

Lilie James, 22, was bludgeoned to death by Paul Thijssen – a boy she dated for only a handful of weeks.

Peta James thought her daughter, Lilie, was safe.

She was educated at a good school and was studying at a university in the middle of Sydney. She was working as a sports coach, as many students do, and played water polo in a women’s team.

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She had a good group of friends and held solid relationships. She was happy, healthy and kind.

Lilie James, 21, worked as a sports coach.

And yet, of all the places in the world, in the female bathroom of an inner-city private school, she was bludgeoned to death by Paul Thijssen – a boy she dated for only a handful of weeks.

Lilie was not safe. She was being stalked and coerced by someone who had exhibited a pattern of obsessive behaviour that eventually led to both of their deaths.

One man’s refusal to accept rejection meant a beautiful, intelligent young woman’s life was dramatically cut short, and a family has been left questioning whether there was anything they could have done to stop it.

“As parents, if we’re not teaching our sons to believe in and respect a woman’s opinion and learn how to accept rejection, then we could be setting our daughters up for failure – in our case, a moment in time we will never recover from,” Peta James said at the coronial inquest into the deaths of Lilie James and Thijssen.

Lilie James’s family has been left questioning whether there was anything they could have done to stop her death. Picture: NewsWire/Simon Bullard

She wept as she spoke but did not pause once. Her husband, Jamie James, held her hand throughout the eulogy.

“Lilie, sweetpea, I am so sorry that we couldn’t protect you from what happened that night. The guilt will stay with us forever,” Peta James said.

The material published by the inquest this week was nothing short of terrifying. In one video, Thijssen is seen in a Mitre 10 store buying an $18.90 roll of duct tape and a hammer. Twice, he makes practice swings.

Cameras at a south Sydney train station near Lilie’s house captured him in a silver hire car, waiting for her on her way home.

Other footage showed Thijssen practising barging down the door of the bathroom in which he would eventually kill Lilie.

A single chilling image pictured Thijssen holding a hammer out of view of the camera, standing outside the toilet door. Inside, Lilie was changing into her swimming costume – the final thing she would ever do.

When the news first broke of Lilie’s death in 2023, many reduced Thijssen’s actions – while obviously horrific – as a brain snap. An act of passion by a normal boy who loved a girl more than she loved him.

The incident was made out to be just one case of a man who had no recorded or noted mental disability or criminal record. No further action necessary, just a tragic, isolated event.

But the inquest’s evidence painted an entirely different – and much more sinister – story.

Thijssen had form. He had stalked his last girlfriend, once arriving at her kitchen window unannounced at 6am. He tracked Lilie through SnapChat’s Snap Map feature. He became upset and agitated when he learned she was speaking with her ex-boyfriend.

He was jealous, controlling and could not handle humiliation.

As forensic psychiatrist Kate Seidler said, Thijssen worried about what people thought of him, and the impact Lilie’s rejection of him would have on his reputation.

“He neutralised a threat to that by murdering another person in a way that is just utterly unacceptable,” she said.

Monash Gender and Family Violence Prevention Centre director Kate Fitz-Gibbon said these feelings were aggravated by Thijssen’s use of social media. “This is where one of the challenges lies,” she said. “Young people are increasingly living their lives and sharing their lives online.”

Sharing location in a relationship might be consensual, Fitz-Gibbon said, but in Thijssen’s case it exacerbated the “jealous and possessive” behaviours that were motivating him.

No one is suggesting Lilie’s death was preventable. Once Thijssen began plotting the murder, he was unstoppable.

But there are lessons to be learned here, which I’m sure will be made clear in the recommendations of the inquest.

Maybe lessons about how young men wish to exert control over their female partners, and how society could shape someone like Thijssen into believing he had a right to hold such power over his ex-girlfriend.

With role models such as Andrew Tate who claim women are inferior and celebrate the alpha male, it makes sense how young men may fail to stabilise their emotions or understand how to cope with embarrassment.

Perhaps there should be an interrogation about how social media should or shouldn’t be used by adolescents, and how it adds to these behaviours. I can’t be the only one who thinks location tracking between young friends is creepy and has got out of hand.

NSW Coroner Teresa O’Sullivan told Peta and Jamie James on Thursday that their testimony may have saved lives. Their story should go a long way in ensuring young women like Lilie are kept safe.