How to date after 60: what I’ve learned after a year on the apps
Fiona Lambert is back on the dating scene for the first time since the 1980s. She gives her advice for singles over sixty.
Fiona Lambert, 62, split from her husband after 31 years of marriage at the age of 60. She’s worked hard on getting super-fit, which helped her get her confidence back as she hit her seventh decade. Despite her self-assurance, rejoining the dating pool for the first time since the 1980s has been a challenge, even for a woman with a high-powered career in the fashion industry transforming brands such as Jaeger. But now she’s dating — selectively.
“I’m not marching my way through men,” Lambert says. “I am choosy. It’s important not to settle. Some weeks I’ll meet three men who seem great, others none.”
Now, after a year “on the apps”, Lambert has written a guide for women in the same boat called S.A.S. Sixty and Single — Your Survival Guide to Dating. Here she shares her advice on how to excel at the relationship game in your 60s.
Don’t worry if chemistry isn’t instant
Even on a video call you can only sense so much about chemistry. (Another reason to meet IRL promptly.) In an ideal relationship you want connection and chemistry. If the attraction is purely chemistry, and he’s not meeting your other needs, chances are it will fizzle out. But if the chemistry isn’t instant don’t fret. If you’ve got a connection chemistry can build. For me the three-date rule is useful. You’ll see if the initial spark ignites or not and you’ll discover if there’s connection as well. If there’s something there as you get to know each other, chemistry can grow. If someone can make me laugh I find them hugely attractive.
Yes, you can have great sex in your 60s
There’s a presumption, whether because of hormones or age, that your sex life has dried up. My daughter said to me, “Surely it’s not that important at your age?” I replied, “Ye-es, it is.” But we can also fall into believing it ourselves, as sex in a lot of marriages tails off over the years. I know from dates I’ve been on that it’s a major part of why people split; that area of their life has ground to a halt. There’s a coded way of asking about this on the dating apps — “Have you still got your mojo?” Society’s expectation is that your interest in that department wanes but if you’re comfortable in your own skin and growing into your independence, even if you’ve lost your mojo in the process of your marriage break-up, you can rediscover it. Some women realise it wasn’t them, it was the tools they had to work with.
You’d be surprised how many cougar hunters there are out there
At least 10 times on the apps I experienced men in their 20s claiming they were 45 or over so they could meet older matches. (I’d put age 45-65 in my search criteria.) A typical bio went something like, “I’m here for the mature, the marvellous, and the mojitos. I am looking for that confidence in ALL matters that comes with age (and hopefully a bit of flexibility if you take your cod liver oil). Let’s skip the small talk …” Men’s photos are often bad — fuzzy, bad angles, long distance. If I’m suspicious about their age, my first question is, “Are you 45?” If the answer is, “I’m actually 29, is that a problem?”, my response is, “It is, you’re younger than my children.” But for some women, dating someone younger might be just what they need after a long relationship. Finding someone who matches your energy is what’s important.
Don’t lie about your age — and if it’s a big deal, he’s the problem
At the beginning friends told me to lie about my age, because if you put that you’re over 60, the pool becomes even smaller. A significant number of men don’t want to date anyone “wrinkly and over 60”. You’re seen as old and a lot of these guys are over 60 themselves. It’s great they’ve taken themselves out of the equation, because they’re the problem. I advise putting your real age. I don’t think it’s wise to start on a lie. I regretted not being honest. After a couple of dates, where I quickly told the guy my real age, I corrected it on my profile. It didn’t seem to be a barrier to finding prospective matches. And I felt so much better being my true self.
Get to a face-to-face fast or you can waste a lot of time
It’s common to say on apps, “I’m not looking for a pen pal”. You can waste a lot of time chatting by text. If I’m having an engaging conversation, within a day I’ll say, “Do you want to have a video call?” Most men say yes. If they don’t, that’s telling. There are so many filtered or old photos, a video call is essential to see what they actually look like, and that you have a connection and a sparkly two-way conversation. I’d arrange a date after one or two video calls, although that also depends on location. Consider how far you’re prepared to travel. I usually ask to meet at 6.30pm for an hour, “for a quick drink or coffee. Or a walking date”. An hour is long enough to establish whether or not you get on. At 7.30pm you can escape — or stay on for dinner if it’s going really well.
When to get intimate
It can feel as if there’s no right answer as to when to get intimate. It is your choice, but it’s important to know someone sufficiently well that you’ve established trust and you feel emotionally ready. There are plenty of men and women looking for hook-ups. If in hindsight you felt you jumped into bed too early don’t blame yourself — if it felt right at that moment. But reflect on what lessons you can learn. OK, that’s how it made me feel. What would I do differently next time?
How to avoid dating burnout
Dating is like going for job interviews. You want to bring your best self, you’re putting in energy and thought into the messaging, the getting ready, the dates. There’s a mix of nerves and excitement — I call it “n-excited” — and because you’re putting yourself out there, there’s a bit of living on adrenaline. There’s also dealing with rejection, wondering whether you know enough about them, spotting red flags — that’s emotionally exhausting. When it starts to feel like a chore give yourself a break. I put the apps into snooze mode, have days or weeks off to refresh myself, celebrate being single, and get the good energy back.
My three-question rule for messaging
I’ve come across a shocking number of men who do not ask one question. And apparently some women are the same. Either they’re emotionally unintelligent or self-centred. I have a three-question rule: I’ll ask about their profile, so if they’ve said they like cooking, I’ll ask what they like. One guy replied, “Indian.” So I’ll ask another question. Three one-word answers and you’re out. I put on my profile, “I’d like to meet someone interested and interesting.” Curiosity is important. I said to one guy, “You haven’t asked anything about me.” He said, “I thought you were interrogating me.”
How I handle rejection
My philosophy is, if you’re not right for them, they’re not right for you. Never go on a date thinking, “This is going to be my next relationship.” Call it a “meeting”. The word date piles on pressure. Know that if you’re dating on the apps you will have to dust yourself off and move on. Think of it as crossing someone off the list. It’s never a waste of time. You’ve had a night out. You’ve learnt something. Clichéd as it sounds, know your self-worth, so you don’t need to rely on virtual strangers for self-esteem.
Everyone moans about the apps, but don’t let it put you off
Online dating is the way of the world now, so to give yourself the best chance of meeting someone you must learn to navigate this new territory. Sometimes it’s easy — men red-flag themselves in their bio. I’ve seen inclusions such as “I am abnormally attracted to small breasts” or “Is there any fit, not fat ladies left? Not into out-of-shape weirdos with tits.” But along with the oddballs, you’ll meet great, sorted, dateable men. It makes sense to stick to the big apps with a larger pool to pick from.
What to do about unsolicited rude photos
Another red flag is men who sexualise the conversation really fast, if they haven’t on their bio. “Why waste time with pleasantries when I can just show you the goods?” is the type of thing I’ve seen. I was surprised to discover that some men sent me unsolicited dick pics — and often, the warning line is, “I am ‘blessed’ in that department”. I blocked them immediately. There’s no other way to handle this sort of thing.
Red flag: his ex features a lot in conversation
I’ve had a few dates where he’s talked about his ex a lot. A red flag is when they are derogatory about her, or other dates. They could be saying the same about you. That’s a man who’s bitter and can’t take responsibility — he’ll always blame the other person. But if his ex is simply getting a lot of airtime, he’s either carrying excess baggage from that relationship or isn’t over her. He might not even be conscious of it, but either way it’s not going to work. He’s not ready. He hasn’t done that self-awareness work post-break-up of processing how he feels and learning to love his own company. Stay away from these men.
If you’re ‘intimidating’ he’s not right
I’ve had a successful career, I’m fit and I love my single life. People have said, “It could be quite intimidating for some men.” A friend was dating a guy she met online, but she had a more affluent lifestyle and it was uncomfortable for him, and they split up. It’s an issue for some men and that means he’s not right. My dating approach is, “I want to carry on being the best version of me and whoever I meet is going to have to embrace that.”
It’s important to do stuff on your own
When you’ve been with someone for a long time you fall into a routine — who puts out the bins, does the laundry. Suddenly you’re doing it all yourself. Independence is character-building and empowering. It makes you more resilient. You can do what you like when you like. I advise doing those very things you were nervous about or presumed you couldn’t do. I did my own drilling for the first time. I put up my first shelf. It’s still on the wall. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I went on my first solo holiday; a watercolour painting break in Puglia, Italy. It was all single women over 50. I had the most amazing time and made new friends. You talk to people differently when you’re not in a couple. You’re much more present.
Beware of men hoping for threesomes/still married men
A lot of apps specialise in more adventurous matches, so men hoping for threesomes are less prevalent on the mainstream apps these days. But there are a surprising number of married men; less so on Bumble, but on Tinder many are overt: “I’m married, I’m looking for IWC” — that’s intimacy without commitment. You can filter that out. And if you start having a conversation and a man isn’t readily available for several days, or rarely in the evenings, suspect other commitments. I was chatting to one man who confessed he was married. I asked if his wife knew. “Nooo, she would kill me,” he replied. I ended our chat.
Love-bombing is a red flag — I’ve been caught out on Tinder
I got on really well with this guy I met on Tinder. He was very intense very quickly. His first words to me were, “Wow, you’re beautiful!” In hindsight, he love-bombed me, a form of manipulation used by people with narcissistic traits. He told me he was an artist and sent me lots of his incredible artwork. We were in contact all the time, I’d see him twice a week. He told me his daughter lived at home, so I respected that he didn’t invite me over. Three weeks in he told me he was being tested for, and was then diagnosed with, blood cancer. He said, “Will you see me through my chemo?”
I was just out of a 31-year marriage and wasn’t sure this would be great for either of us. And it seemed strange to be on dating sites. A friend said, “Have you ever been to his house? How do you know he’s not married?” I borrowed my dad’s car and sat outside the address he’d given, in disguise. I realised he didn’t live there. If you’re in a “relationship”, you should see where someone lives. I reverse-searched his art and none of it was his. I still don’t know whether he was a fantasist or planning to scam me. I suggest reverse-searching people on Google if you’re suspicious. I also wouldn’t invite anyone back to my house again without knowing more about them.
Don’t ghost your dates, even if it’s been done to you
As for letting others down — don’t ghost. Treat others how you’d wish to be treated. If you’re not up for a second date, have the courtesy to say, “I’ve had a really nice time, not sure the chemistry was there, but I hope you meet someone lovely.” Usually, people say, “You too.” You do get the odd instant block. And one guy’s parting comment was that I dressed like his grandma. I was wearing a blue drapey dress and heels, so I like her style.
You might never want to live with the new love of your life
Even if you meet the love of your later life you don’t have to share a home and many women don’t want to. I moved out after my divorce and it was refreshing and empowering to create a space that was exactly as I wanted. My home is a reflection of me, new beginnings, my independence and personality. Maintaining some distance and independence can keep a relationship more interesting. Also, post-50, women are less prone to compromise or people-please. I love having my own routines and lifestyle.
Get yourself into shape — but for yourself, not a new man
My personal challenge at 60 was to break down stereotypes — in my own head as much as anything — about what 60 was. I wanted to see it as strong and vibrant, not as a decline; as the start of something rather than the end of something. Being single is a similar challenge. For me, getting fitter was about being the best I can be. Don’t compare yourself to others. The discipline and routine of maintaining fitness does make you mentally strong as well as physically. The self-esteem that comes from it, the fact you’ve achieved it, means you face into the dating world with confidence.
For single sixty-somethings, friendships matter more than ever
When you split up some of your friendships change. I had to establish some new friendships and re-establish others. From my 20s to my 50s I was in a relationship and had a very busy, high-powered career in fashion, and most of my free time was invested in my husband and family. My last girls’ holiday was aged 24. I didn’t go out as much with female friends. Having built up my friendships over the last two years, since we separated, I’m not going to let that slip. I went on two holidays with girlfriends last year. My dates have to work around my female friends, who are forever. I don’t cancel appointments with friends if a date asks me out at the last minute.
Don’t only look online
Hanging around bars is not your only offline option. My experience is that it can be quite hard for men to approach women in a bar, especially if you’re in a confident group. They can worry about saying the right thing, is it intrusive, will it be taken the wrong way? Meanwhile, my closest friend met her husband at the gym. Another friend met someone hiking — she’d joined a hiking group. I was at a lunchtime street fete recently, and going into places in the daytime feels very different to the evening. You’re more relaxed and it’s easier to talk to people. Find the right environment and don’t be scared to chat.
Remember there’s nothing wrong with being single
It’s very important to feel comfortable being single. Two thirds of over-50s divorces in the UK are initiated by women, and it’s not necessarily that they want a different partner; they want a different life. I was half of a couple for over 30 years before my husband and I separated, and it took time to adapt. Learning that you don’t need a partner, that you’re a whole person, spending time on your own, learning to love your own company, is something I had to do before I started dating. Don’t start dating to become one half of a whole. Being whole in yourself is where you need to be. I feel more me than I’ve ever been.
S.A.S. Sixty and Single by Fiona Lambert (Bridge-Logos, available on Amazon).
@fionalambertofficial
As told to Anna Maxted, The Times
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