Young women: beware the fragile, controlling man

Paul Thijssen, left, and Lilie James.

“I’m so angry this is what our girls have to fear.” The text is from a girlfriend, a mum friend, who has daughters in their teens and early twenties. It was sent after the horrific murder of water polo coach Lilie James by her colleague at St Andrew’s Cathedral School in Sydney.

This mother had no connection to the school but had been following the story with horror. She was deeply rattled, upset, and yes, furious, as are so many women around me. That this is what our girls have to fear. This man, this murderer, men like him; who are raised up by the system, the culture around us all. Murderer Paul Thijssen had been a school leader, the sports captain at the elite school, lauded and awarded by the powers that be in a deeply patriarchal environment (St Andrew’s is overseen by the Sydney Anglican Diocese, the most conservative in Australia.)

Flowers left outside St Andrew's Cathedral School for teacher Lilie James, who was murdered by Paul Thijssen. Picture: Rohan Kelly

Media reports said Thijssen wouldn’t take no for an answer from James, a colleague who had recently broken off their relationship. We know that type, all too well now, through murder after murder of Australian woman who’ve said no to men known to them. The insecure Alpha. Cowardly. Emotionally fragile. Unable to cope with rejection. Raised up by the patriarchy, presented as the archetype of supreme masculinity by an enabling culture. Which leads to a sense of entitlement. An expectation that the world will say “yes” to them, always, in the natural order of things.

What do we tell our girls, our young women, to keep them safe? Beware the fragile man. The controlling man. The man not used to that most dangerous of words, when a female speaks it to him – “No.” No, I will not do what you want. No, I will not obey your unreasonable demands. No, I will not be controlled by you. These types of men do not view women as equals. Do not respect them. Do not expect to hear “no” from them and cannot handle it when they do.

How do we protect our girls? By teaching them to develop an “insecure dickhead radar”, as another girlfriend texts. Several mums express relief their daughters are lesbians, which they hope will protect them from intimate relationships involving fragile men; keep them out of the way of those males who consider females their property.

We know the pattern well enough now, the signs through so many distressing murders, the roll-call of women annihilated by dangerous men. The pattern begins with love bombing, followed by isolating and controlling and then the most dangerous point for a trapped female: when she says Enough. I want out.

We have to teach our girls to beware of the mask of the narcissist. The master controller who wants to chip away at female strength, autonomy and confidence. The controlling man is the insecure man who wants to bring a partner down to his level, to break them; and it is the great tragedy of so many womens’ lives.

Patty Kinnersly, CEO of Our Watch, a not-for-profit that helps prevent violence against women and children, explains: “Violence against women is about power, control and exclusion – but most importantly, it’s preventable.” Crucial to prevention, she says, is equality. “Everywhere we live, learn, work and socialise should be inclusive, equitable and safe, for everyone.” In schools, workplaces, homes. When you have gender inequality, you have the male expectation of being obeyed. Of hearing yes. Of being constantly affirmed. A more equal world will give pause to the entitled alpha males; will help them to understand that control over women is not their right.

We need to elevate the boys and men among us who have the confidence not to dominate and control. Elevate the secure betas, the ones comfortable in their own skin – not the men whose fragile sense of self is threatened by a woman saying that simple little word, “No.”