White powder
Parliament House has come a long way since the old finger-and-tongue technique was used to determine whether white powder was sugar or anthrax.
In thrust we trust
“Point of clarification to one of the big issues,” Finance Minister Simon Birmingham injected in Senate estimates. “I am advised that the Prime Minister’s office was not aware of the Top Gun music intended to be played prior to the music starting.” Avid Strewth readers will no doubt recognise this as a reference to Scott Morrison’s maverick arrival at the RAAF Williamtown base back in February, when the red carpet was literally rolled out and Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins blasted through the speakers. Birmo said the ceremonial guard and soundtrack were a captain’s call by the air base north of Newcastle. The only problem? The PM and his wing (wo) man Linda Reynolds were running late, so officers were treated to not one but two roaring renditions of the best-selling single from Top Gun (1986) — a movie in which Tom Cruise (a) wages war on the Soviet air force while (b) battling demons brought on by the death of his friend Goose, yet it has (c) somehow become best known for its homoerotic volleyball scene.
PM @ScottMorrisonMP arrives in Williamtown... Top Gun classic Danger Zone blasting through the maintenance hangar. pic.twitter.com/oUCFngpopu
— Jane Goldsmith (@janegoldnbn) February 8, 2021
Baptism of ire
Speaker Tony Smith was channelling the tyrannical energy of a Targaryen during question time on Wednesday, inviting a record 11 politicians to leave across the hour. Employment Minister Stuart Robert joined the 94a club, admonished for adding to the great wall of noise. It’s not the first time Smith has thrown a frontbencher to the wolves – if you consider an early mark and afternoon snack, or nap, a slaughter. Assistant Treasurer Michael Sukkar received the same treatment last December. The other pollies on Wednesday’s removal list were Liberal MP Tim Wilson; the Nationals’ David Gillespie; and Labor’s Chris Bowen, Mark Dreyfus, Tim Watts, Josh Burns, Madeleine King, Andrew Giles, Libby Coker and Graham Perrett (a platinum 94a club member). Showing shades of Bronwyn Bishop, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg was admonished (“If he wants to give a general character assessment of those opposite, he’ll need to find another time to do it throughout the parliamentary day, no matter how much he’s scripted it beforehand”). Greg Hunt was cut short (“I’ve now asked the Minister for Health to resume his seat for the third time. The Minister for Health can resume his seat, full stop. I’m not going to be ignored”). But the Prime Minister received the full six-pack.
Smith: “I’m asking you to return to the question.”
Morrison: “Happy to do that, Mr Speaker.”
Smith: “I don’t care whether you’re happy or not. You need to return to the question.”
WhatsApp groups were running wild with speculation about what had given Smith the hump. Does he have big plans in Melbourne this weekend? Miss out on tickets to Carlton’s clash with the Swans? Or is he also on the ManShakes? We’re told the explanation is much simpler. With the chamber finally back to its full capacity post-Covid, Smith has pulled out a rocket launcher for his independent speaker campaign.
Down in Danistan
Not everyone is commiserating over Victorian’s third wave. Fans anticipating a return of Daniel Andrews’ North Face jacket, for one. Oh, and Labor’s factional warlords are breathing a sigh of relief, as the latest Covid cluster has given them an extra 11 days to resolve the bitter preselection battle over the new seat of Hawke. “Due to changing circumstances in Victoria, the public hearing for the Victorian federal redistribution has been postponed until Monday 7 June,” the Australian Electoral Commission advised. It was originally scheduled to take place on Friday. So far, three Labor members have put their hands up for nomination in Bob Hawke’s namesake, which is expected to be a safe Labor seat in Melbourne’s northwest. There is a huge internal dispute in the Victorian Right over the Richard Marles-aligned former state secretary Sam Rae being the anointed one. Bill Shorten is pushing for a woman (and a future vote). Here at Strewth, we don’t have nearly enough column inches to provide a full breakdown of the arguments within the branchless Victorian Labor Party — we’ll leave that to the Supreme Court challenge, due to kick off on Wednesday.
Not easy being green
Things haven’t cooled down in the scallop pie state, post Peter Gutwein’s victory. The old political warriors are still going head to head, just like ye good old days. Liberal senator Eric Abetz used estimates to question the Bob Brown Foundation’s ongoing status as a registered environmental organisation. Showing shades of I Love Lucy, Abetz thinks Brown has some ‘splaining to do about his big-spending “Green your vote campaign” during the recent state election and tax-deductible of donations. “Eric is peeved that the Greens vote went up and the Liberals’ vote went down in the Tasmanian election, but it is a compliment that our vote-for-the-forests ads riveted his attention,” Brown explained to Strewth. “I think he’s worried that the public appeal of such ads might help lose his Senate seat now the Liberals have dumped him to last on their Tasmanian ticket. It’s time this failed former minister for forests hung up his out-of-date chainsaw.” How sweet!
strewth@theaustralian.com.au
Libs should be-Ware what they say about JWH
Could things get any worse for the Liberals in Hughes? Well, strap in. Diary can reveal that Liberal candidate Jenny Ware once called John Winston Howard ‘out of touch’.
Believe in your selfie, Andrew
Kevin Rudd appears to have met his selfie match in Andrew Charlton.
Parliament House has come a long way since the old finger-and-tongue technique was used to determine whether white powder was sugar or anthrax (see: November, 2017); and security guards wore disposable painting suits from Bunnings to test potentially deadly powder sent to prime minister Malcolm Turnbull (May, 2018). Strewth can exclusively reveal that the Senate mailroom was shut down for four hours on Friday after staff spotted a suspicious package creating white clouds. The area was cordoned off, surrounding offices evacuated and a cavalcade of hazmat suits called in with testing kits. In dramatic scenes that could rival the 2000 Dean Cain direct-to-video action film Militia – in which federal agent Cain must infiltrate a terrorist group to stop an anthrax attack against the US government – witnesses were waiting with bated breath to see what would happen. “The Australian Federal Police and local emergency services responded to an incident involving a suspicious substance at Parliament House on 21 May 2021,” a spokesman told Strewth. “It was determined that the substance was non-hazardous. The AFP considers the matter finalised.” Since the AFP won’t spill the tea, we happily will. It was chocolate protein powder, ordered in by one of the ripped SBS camera crew.