Tough gets going

EVER wonder how Wayne Swan and Finance Minister Penny Wong share the burden of managing the nation's finances?

EVER wonder how Wayne "There Will Be a Budget Surplus" Swan and Finance Minister Penny Wong share the burden of managing the nation's finances?

When Wong was asked yesterday by Adelaide's 5AA breakfast show host Jane Reilly how her role differed from the Treasurer's, and whether there was any crossover, Wong -- while initially sounding a little uncertain -- ultimately made it sound as easy as a high school economics project.

"Well, we do cross over a fair bit. I think technically he deals with one side of the budget and I deal with the other. So he deals with revenue and I deal with expenditure, that's the traditional difference. But we work pretty closely together and, as you probably know, we talk about the same issues because we both confront the same big problems, which is how do you find the room to make the smart investments to build a fairer, stronger and smarter country."

Of course, Wong politely failed to mention that sometimes she was left to clean up some of her buddy's dirty work. With Swan comfortably ensconced in Washington for an International Monetary Fund meeting, Wong was left to do several media interviews yesterday in which she valiantly tried to sell the Treasurer's sunny news that there wouldn't be a budget surplus until revenue recovered. Sharing the load can be such fun.

Guardian angel

SUSPEND disbelief for a moment, dear reader, and imagine this. You're all alone in the middle of the night on your self-made yacht, 220km off Victoria's southeast coast. Your vessel has been dismasted, it's being swamped by 10m waves and is quickly filling with water. On the balance of probabilities, you're going to die a terrible death and your body will likely never be found -- at least not until the shark that eats you is captured and its stomach sliced open. In the midst of this terrifying scenario, what do you think about? Your three children? The afterlife? Apparently not. When Russian sailor Sergey Zhukov (pictured) found himself in this very situation last Friday, his thoughts naturally turned to actor Kevin Costner's impressive body of work. Yesterday Zhukov, 47, who activated his emergency beacon in the early hours of last Friday when it was clear his yacht was going down, recalled how he didn't fear for his life as he knew all about dangerous sea rescue operations because he once watched The Guardian, a film in which Costner stars as a decorated rescuer for the US coast guard. Zhukov's extraordinary show of faith was rewarded; he was plucked to safety by the Victoria Police helicopter several hours after he struck trouble. Strangely, Zhukov failed to mention that Costner's character dies in the film as he is winching Ashton Kutcher's character to safety. Irrespective of the curious analogy, surely this is the first time in human history that someone facing imminent death has paused to ponder the greatness of KC ahead of all other subject matter.

Good Ted goes bad

IT seems the Victorian Liberal Party can't get over the departure of Ted Baillieu as premier. It might have happened at the start of last month but Big Ted still appears on the front page of the party's website, with a gushing video of why he was so good for Victoria. If he was that good last October, when the video was shot, why dump him in March?

Too much spice

BITING another human is generally accepted to be pretty poor form, unless you are a child and have a particularly annoying sibling, in which case it is standard practice. But when highly paid athletes resort to sinking their teeth into an opponent's flesh to gain an on-field advantage, it's a clear sign that the offender -- and those who support them -- have a few roos loose in the top paddock. Which brings us to events in the English Premier League last weekend, when Liverpool star Luis Suarez bit Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic as they grappled in the goalmouth. Suarez later apologised "for my inexcusable behaviour" but, in an extraordinary defence of the act, Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard said Suarez should be forgiven because he'd played so well this season. "When you play big Premier League games against Chelsea, things are going to get spicy," Gerrard said, apparently with a straight face. So the moral of the story, kids, is that biting an opponent is bad, unless you're playing Chelsea. Gerrard's comments reminded Strewth of former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson's notorious 1997 bout against Evander Holyfield, during which Iron Mike took a sizeable nip out of his rival's ear. Years later, Tyson sought to explain his actions thus: "I bit Evander because I was undisciplined at that moment. I had nothing to lose then. I had no wife, I didn't have my kids." It was not so much an apology as a warning that single, childless blokes should be avoided.

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