The ABC’s of enlightenment during the US election

The heavens opened above Aunty’s HQ during Antony Green’s big American dance. Foreshadowing, perhaps?

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The heavens opened above Aunty’s HQ during Antony Green’s big American dance. Foreshadowing, perhaps? “We should point out that the sun has come out,” Ellen Fanning enlightened ABC viewers during the rolling coverage. “We are beautifully lit by the sun,” solmate Stan Grant said. “Somebody has designed an atrium (in Sydney) not realising we had 9 hours of broadcasting,” Fanning reflected. “There’s almost a religious quality to this, Stan.” The gothic natural lighting change after midday made it appear as if the panel were broadcasting from behind Stonehenge. When they returned from something prepared earlier, Fanning had popped on a pair of sunglasses. “We never thought about this when we designed it,” Grant said, travelling light. “I wonder what this means,” Fanning mused. “The Sunshine State? Florida,” Grant guessed. Cut to! A few hours later when Donald Trump had sunburnt Florida red and an obnoxiously loud car could be heard on set, hooning by Harris St. “There is a job for a double-glazed window here,” Malcolm Turnbull noted. “If the ABC had a bigger budget, we would have paid for it,” Grant hit back. “I think Mr Turnbull just made a perfect argument for an objective public broadcaster,” Fanning added. Grant concluded with a giggle: “We could afford Antony, he’s standing by.”

Sun of a beach.

I Kant even

Here’s another exchange on a similar theme:

Grant: “Malcolm, if you look at America and take a snapshot post-COVID and if you took China and America, who has been the most affected?

Turnbull: “Why do you say America has been more effective on COVID?”

Grant: “No, affected from it.”

Turnbull: “Oh affected! I thought we were on another channel!”

You’re fired

Like the denizens of Plato’s cave who have spent their whole lives up until now seeing only the shadows cast by polls and “data”, pundits and prognosticators are still rubbing their eyes at the light-of-day reality that is the United States presidential election. So were the soothsayers in the animal kingdom. Strewth would be remiss not to give a shout-out to southern flying squirrel Amelia who picked a pumpkin seed marked with a T for Donald Trump. Oracle Buyan, a male brown bear in a Siberian zoo, ate a watermelon with Joe Biden’s face carved into it. His prophet neighbours Bartek, an Amur tiger, and Khan, a white Begnal tiger, both backed Trump. Certainly, past performance is no guarantee of future results. (That said, Washington-based rodent Amelia is four for four in her Super Bowl picks, and correctly called the 2016 result for Trump). But we can’t help wonder if given all this, the coverage of future election cycles will be less Nate Silver, more Dr Dolittle.

Buyan, a male brown bear at the Siberian Zoo, thinks Joe Biden will win the election based on his watermelon choice. In 2016, Buyan correctly predicted Trump's victory over Hillary Clinton 🐻🍉 pic.twitter.com/Rl7IgTruua

— NowThis (@nowthisnews) November 3, 2020

Mango MAGA

Cue Make Australia Great Again National George Christensen. The member for Mackay (or Manila, depending on who you ask) claimed victory at 3:26pm. “I’m calling it. Four more years. I could be wrong but the trend is your friend in politics, and the trend in all the so-called ‘too-close-to-call’ states is towards Donald J. Trump.”

Trump card

‘The Democrats aren’t doing as well as the pollsters expected,” Captain Obvious Turnbull said as the psephologist’s blue wave turned out to be a stagnant blue lagoon. Or as another “expert” understated it: “President Trump is overperforming what I expected.” Turnbull wasn’t impressed when Fanning reminded him of short-lived White House press secretary Sean Spicer’s nickname — “Prime Minister Trumbull”. He brushed it off without comment or facial expression and instead offered this electoral analysis: “The important thing about this election and every election is that politics is a relative business. It is like football. You may think you’re the worst team in the competition but if the people you play on Saturday are worse than you, you win. You’re only the second worst team.” Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese continued the sporting theme. “(Former QLD LNP leader) Deb Frecklington gave a good concession speech … immediately accepting the result. That’s what you do in a democracy. You accept an outcome. And it isn’t quite like a footy game where you can complain about the ref.” Meanwhile, without a hint of irony, US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo tweeted: “We are deeply concerned by reports of election irregularities, politically motivated arrests, and violence during Tanzania’s elections last week. We urge authorities to fully address concerns of irregularities and will review allegations of the use of force against civilians.”

In perhaps the biggest boost to Donald Trump's hopes, and a jinx for Joe Biden, 10 News First's Political Editor @vanOnselenP has predicted the polls would need to be the most inaccurate in 30 years for the incumbent president to win 😉 #ElectionNight #USElection pic.twitter.com/MQsrxCqeSa

— 10 News First (@10NewsFirst) November 4, 2020

Charm defensive

Miami Herald reporter Lautaro Grinspan took a shot at swinging voters. “I just spoke with 28-year-old Miamian Alex Garcia. He said he woke up today thinking he was going to vote for Trump but he changed his mind at the voting booth. He ended up picking Biden to ‘go back to normal’. ‘I just want my Instagram to be about me again, and how good I look’.” CNN reporter Bill Weir was on the ground in Madison, Wisconsin. “One veteran, a poll worker, told me the reason it’s going so well here is that they finally figured out how to use the counting machine. She said: ‘It’s like a baby boy: if you don’t know your way around it, it’ll pee all over you’. Just one more example of why Wisconsin, I think, is really the most charming of all the states.”

Such an amazing likeness of #DonaldTrump I’m sure it would look as good after an hour in the sandwich press. #USElection #AmericaDecides2020 pic.twitter.com/2Aplce59iA

— Michael Davey (@MichaelCDavey) November 4, 2020

Trip the right fantastic

Tony Abbott celebrated his 63rd birthday behind closed doors on Wednesday. Literally. The former PM is back in hotel quarantine after returning from another overseas jaunt. This trip included a Rome mass conducted by George Pell, his first since 2017, to mark 10 years since the canonisation of Mary MacKillop. Given there’s a ban on Quiet Aussies leaving the country, how does Abbott keep jumping the queue? Border Force boss Michael Outram told Budget Estimates he has an “auto exemption” granted for people on government (ours or another’s) business. But don’t fret if you’re one of the tens of thousands stuck overseas — DFAT will give you a list of homeless shelters to stay at! With Abbott in isolation, he missed the Conservative Political Action Conference in Sydney. Organisers handed out “Fake News” passes to the media who gathered to watch the US count with Liberal senators Eric Abetz, Jim Molan, Alex Antic; COVID conspiracy theorist Craig Kelly; and retired shockjock Alan Jones who told the crowd: “Apart from Trump, all western leadership is failing”. Sorry, Scott Morrison!

Just got to the Conservative Political Action Conference in Sydney and this is what they’ve given us as a press pass #USElection @SBSNews pic.twitter.com/GeZcq59C3j

— Amelia Dunn (@Amelia_Dunn1) November 4, 2020

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