Pup Fiction: Amber Heard investigated for perjury over Pistol and Boo

Budget estimates is going to the dogs. Literally. The Department of Agriculture is investigating the ex-wife of Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp and wife Amber Heard leave court in Queensland in 2016.

Budget estimates is going to the dogs. Literally. The Department of Agriculture is investigating Amber Heard — ex-wife of Barnaby Joyce’s Hollywood nemesis Johnny Depp — for possible perjury over the Pistol & Boo star-paws palaver. Hound lovers may recall that during the Pirates of the Caribbean star’s libel case against The Sun newspaper, Depp’s former employee told the court he was forced to lie under oath about the dogs’ illegal entry into Queensland. Heard’s former assistant also claimed the actor “deliberately smuggled the dogs into Australia”. Talk about High Fidolity! The 34-year-old avoided conviction in April 2016 after she pleaded guilty to giving Customs a false document. But was forced to film a hostage video, sorry, biosecurity apology. Strewth was exclusively told by an agriculture spokesman: “The department is investigating if any criminal offences under commonwealth legislation have been committed relating to the testimony provided to the High Court in London.” But: “As the matter is the subject of a current investigation the department is unable to provide any further comment at this time.” We imagine Labor won’t let sleeping dogs lie (especially yappy Yorkshire terriers) when the bovine boffins front up to give evidence on Wednesday.

Australia’s most wanted.

Mutt ado about nothing

The maximum penalty for perjury in Queensland? Fourteen years in jail. “Is the defence for perjury that you have got to be able to act?” Joyce zinged. “What is the point of having laws if they are not pursued?” Is he hoping to resurrect his role as public execution (or bone collector)?

Pyjama public service

Here’s an unexpected positive from the pandemic — there’s been less bludging off work in the Canberra Bubble™. The number of sick days taken by mandarins fell by a quarter during the first months of the great working-from-home experiment. Australian Public Service Commissioner Peter Woolcott told budget estimates that the bureaucracy improved after tens of thousands of public servants were forced out of their offices. “It’s actually led to some real improvements in terms of how we work as a public service, the concept of one enterprise, breaking down silos and working flexibility at home at scale, and the IT systems held up,” he said. But is it more efficient?

Depp once said Joyce looked ‘inbred with a tomato’. Hard to see why.

Off with their heads

What’s in a dame? It turns out, quite a bit of cash. Operation Sovereign Barons — otherwise known as Tony Abbott’s brief quest to restore imperial honours in 2014 — left behind $135,000 of now-worthless trinkets. “There’s no sword and there’s no armour, senator, you’ll be pleased to know,” the Governor-General’s secretary, Paul Singer, told estimates. “But there are multiple accoutrements as part of that set for knights and dames.” Unfort, no Australian flag shields or green and gold armour. Among the items being written off are four waist badges worth $20,000 and a neck badge worth $15,000. Or enough for two or three dames or knights to join the five Abbott anointed — Prince Philip, Peter Cosgrove, Angus Houston, Quentin Bryce and Marie Bashir. The GG’s office said the medals have not been destroyed, instead they are being kept in the portable and attractive items register … to be resurrected again by prime minister Peta Credlin?

Two future sires?

Lose focus

The ACT Young Liberals are keeping their chins up after the party’s sixth-straight election loss on Saturday. They’re charging members $15 for an in-person, two-hour “faith and politics” forum on Wednesday with Martyn Iles — the MAGA managing director of the Australian Christian Lobby, who recently called the Black Lives Matter movement a front for “queer-affirmation, abortion, destruction of the nuclear family, trans-liberation” and more. A curious choice given the last Liberal chief minister, Gary Humphries, censured the Territory’ conservative wing, saying the party needed to become more progressive or risk “endless opposition” in Canberra.

Running mates

Bob Katter is clicking his heels thatAndrew and Nicola Forrest have resoled RM Williams down under. Quoth Katter: “They say you can’t manufacture anything in Australia, well we can if wasn’t for our bloody governments who propped up the dollar to about twice its real value!” Knot again! Well, one step at a time. “If you buy a pair of RM Williams they are very expensive but you wear them maybe seven or eight years … Senior trade union officials as well as workers once wore them mustering. Even the city suits have a pair in their shoe rack.” Fun fact! “Two American presidents have worn RM Williams; George W Bush went to his inauguration in his RM Williams and Bill Clinton also wore RM Williams.” Sole mates?

Katter’s R.M’s.

The Dude abides

Arthur Sinodinos has offered his condolences to actor Jeff Bridges, star of The Big Lebowski. “As the Dude would say. New s..t has come to light. I have been diagnosed with Lymphoma. Although it is a serious disease, I feel fortunate that I have a great team of doctors and the prognosis is good. I’m starting treatment and will keep you posted,” Bridges tweeted. The Australian ambassador to the US and cancer survivor Sinodinos replied: “Good luck Jeff you will get through it, hold onto that positive prognosis and just focus on the steps to recovery day in and day out.” In another G’Day USA crossover — Twisted Sister singer Dee Snider told the Federal Court that Clive Palmer’s use of We’re Not Gonna Take It in earworm election ads was “not good for my heavy metal image”. Same.

That rug really tied the room together.

On whiteboard matters.

Brown note

Liberal MP Trent Zimmerman dropped a South Park reference while speaking against oil and gas drilling off Sydney’s coast. “We were certainly not willing to tolerate the fact that our swimmers shared the waters with — how can I put this euphemistically? — Mr Hankey, the Christmas poo. That’s probably the best way to describe it,” Zimmerman said. For the uninitiated, Mr Hankey is a non-religious Christmas icon that comes to life to comfort a Jewish kid called Kyle. The North Sydney MP continued his cartoon theme: “So, instead of seeing that pollution that once we witnessed, we now have a harbour that is home to seals and incredible marine diversity and we have a coastline today which is famous not for Mr Hankey but for the whales that migrate along the shoreline each year.” What’s next … a “they took our jerbs!” campaign about Daniel Andrews’ lockdown?

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